I love dusk, when the sky turns different shades of beautiful. I love summer nights and looking at the stars. I love a hot cup of coffee shared with my girlfriends and good conversation. I love being in the arms of a man who makes me feel safe. I love lazy days spent indoors watching a movie. I love being snowed in with good company. I love a margarita on the rocks with mexican food. I love laughing until my stomache hurts and there are tears in my eyes. I love that I find happiness in the little things in life.
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I love a lot of things, but ask me if I’ve ever been in love and that’s a different story. When I was fifteen, my boyfriend of 1 month told me he loved me and I would answer with a “love ya too.” I knew I wasn’t in love with him. My boyfriend at 17 told me he loved me and I thought I loved him too. I thought I loved him because I stayed with him through so many lies and betrayals but that wasn’t love, I tell myself in hindsight, it was insecurity. When I was 21, I fell in like with my best guy friend. I fell so hard but I didn’t fall in love, I tell myself. That takes two people, doesn’t it? And at 22, I met The Ex. We never said I love you. Our relationship was complicated and still I feel like I can’t admit I was in love with him. I think I may have been, I think he may just be my first love but I can’t say it. It’s funny how easily I can say I love other things.
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I can say I love sand between my toes and the smell of salt water. I love long soft kisses and a man’s hands playing with my hair. I love my family and our craziness. I love playing in the snow. I love the sound of laughter and children giggling. I love learning new things and finding new hobbies. I love staying in my pajama’s all day on a Sunday.
* * * * *
Maybe I can say I love him, maybe I was in love with him but maybe, just maybe, I love the thought of a greater love even more.
10 Comments
November 10, 2008 at 9:48 pm
How, I can’t tell you, but when you are IN LOVE, you just know it. And it is amazing.
November 11, 2008 at 10:14 am
I do believe that you hit the nail on the head. For the longest time I was in love with the idea of love and never actually fell in love. I have loved two other men in my life (High school boyfriend and college boyfriend) but I don’t believe I fell in love with them. I learned to differentiate between what was “intense like,” from what I thought was love. Agreed with the Dutchess… you’ll know when you fall in love. I certainly did. It’s a completely different feeling. (And sorry for writing a book on your comment wall here!)
November 11, 2008 at 11:28 am
Dutchess is right- you just know.
November 11, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I love everything you listed in the third paragraph! (and your blog header, as well!)
November 11, 2008 at 6:11 pm
In response to your comment on my blog, I agree! We should most definitely be bloggy friends
November 11, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Love is complicated and I think you’re right in not saying it or tricking yourself think you feel it. Because when you do fall in love, for real, you can’t help but say it and you can’t feel anything else. Espcially in the beginning…
November 12, 2008 at 12:06 pm
oh, i love THIS!
and also your new header, by the way.
but it is, so easy sometimes to put our finger on certain things we love, isn’t it? but not as easy is saying those three words to someone else…
November 12, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Love, pfffft.
I probably shouldn’t be commenting on posts like this right now, should I? LOL
November 13, 2008 at 4:00 pm
When its real…you will feel it and there will be NO doubt. And when you have no doubt, you have no trouble saying it. Not only will you say it, but you will want to shout it from the roof tops!
June 3, 2009 at 10:43 pm
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