Monthly Archives: June 2008

My Boys

I was suppose to go out tonight but I got tired of waiting for my friends and decided I’d rather continue watching the My Boys marathon on TBS and stay in. Let me just say, I freakin love this show. Maybe I find it so fascinating because I don’t really have that many guy friends. I’ve always just had more girlfriends. Actually, correction, I do have guy friends but they are almost all gay, or at least very in touch with their feminine side. I guess I’m quite the girly girl. I love my pop culture gossip, chick lit, chick flicks, manicures and shopping. Haha, see with a list like that I guess its obvious why I get along better with females and the gays. However, I also enjoy sporting events (however, I can’t handle full out sports debate), mosh pits, playing tennis, working out… I mean, its not like I can’t relate to guys at all. Its just usually if I find a guy I connect with it turns out to be romantic but anyways…

I have a date tomorrow with the guy from work, M. Here’s why I am so cautious of this situation. He dated a girl for 6 months, got engaged, they lived together for about 4 months and now they are done. And I mean it ended very recently, within the last month. This is red flag #1. Next, we work very closely together. It’s not like we are in different departments, we interact on a daily basis. So, if the shit hits the fan (which with my track record is what will most likely happen) then it could make for a very awkward work situation. However, it is just one date and he just asked me so cutely. AND he wanted to cook me dinner. Oh, AND he makes me laugh… so I felt like I had to at least go and see what happens. I’m nervous.. but also excited.

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Filed under Cubicle Life, Dating Tales, Life as a Couch Potato

Workin It at Work

I think I may have found a new addiction- working out. Seriously, I feel like I’m on a high when I get back from the gym. I mean, I always remembered Elle saying in Legally Blonde, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t. ” Well, Elle, you are a very wise girl. I took my first kickboxing class tonight. It was fun and a great workout. It took me a few minutes for my coordination to kick in but I got the hang of it and I’ll be going again.

Speaking of working out, me and B came up with a fabulous idea at work today. We are going to come up with a whole workout that can be done while we are bored sitting in our cubes (yes, this is how we spend our days). Actually, we spent more time laughing about how we were going to make a DVD called “Workin it at Work” and record an infomercial. And how we would have them reconstruct our cube. Well, we don’t quite know all the exercises that will be included but of course abs, butt, arms, legs, and we figured we should throw in the kegal exercises too. 😉

Other than that, PP did NOT text me again, thankfully. He must have come to his senses.

In other boy news, there is some flirtation going on with a guy at work.. however, the situation is quite complicated. I will save the explanation for another night.

Oh wait, one more random thought of the day. Are there any So You Think You Can Dance Fans out there?? I have to say, I LOVED Chelsie and Mark’s “Bleeding Love” dance. I love when I can feel the emotion pouring out of dancers bodies. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovjAuBuepVA

And if you want, check out my favorite dance from last season here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEguAROS4tw

Let me know if your a fellow fan of the show!

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Filed under Cubicle Life, So You Think You Can Dance, working out

Some Big Cahones

I dated this guy brieftly a couple years ago… let’s call him Peter Pan (cuz he surely isn’t growing up anytime soon) Okay now, PP ended up pursuing me only to realize that he was in love with one of my friends. Nice, right? Just another little snippet of why I am so cynical at the ripe age of 23. Anyways, we were friends for awhile and then eventually just grew apart. I’ve talked to him maybe a handful of times in the last two years. So imagine my surprise when I get a text from him at 12:30am on Sunday night:

“What are you doing?”

“um, hi stranger.. just in bed you?”

“Bored.. how you been?”

We catch up for a few minutes and then he drops this on me..

“So, how about you send me a pic.” somehow I don’t think he’s talking about my face..

“Uh.. how about I don’t.. are you crazy?”

“Come on.. it would be fun..”

“Ha, fun for who? Don’t you have some pics of your g/f you can look at?”

“No… so come on, just do it.”

“Seriously, you MUST be smoking crack if you think I would do that”

“Why not?”

“Those kind of pics are reserved for boyfriends, so unfortunately, you do not qualify.. better luck next time.”

“Whatever.”

“Seriously, don’t you know some stupid girls who would actually do that for you?”

“Yes, and they already did but I deleted them.”

“Classy.”

“What’s the problem, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

I shut the phone and ignore him.  And continue to ignore him the next two nights when he requests the same thing.  Boys, really.. what’s wrong with some of you?

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Filed under Boys are Dumb

My Obsession with a Sex Addict

I have so much going on in my head today, I don’t even know where to start.

I read an entired blog (Hi, My Name is Steve and I’m a Sex Addict) in a weekend. It was like a good book I couldn’t put down. I was completely hooked on his life. At times, I even forgot it was real. When he started the blog he was 33, having a relationship with a 17 yr old and fucking just about every hot girl he came in contact with. If you cut to today, about 4 years later, he is happily married. I was so mesmerized by his writing, his life, his decisions. His blog really made me think about things- love, relationships, dating, men, life.

It made me realize how much I love reading blogs of annonymous writers. The honesty in their posts, from the details of their sex lives to their inner most thoughts. It’s voyerism, I feel like I’m spying on their life. I get to know the details that you normally don’t hear about. I love it.

But today, after reading his blog and with all the information that I found out from being in this man’s head, I feel confused and sad today. I know it sounds so odd that his blog made me sad and I’ve spent all day trying to figure out what it was that is bothering me. I’m still not sure. Maybe its the fact that he fucked around so much.. he broke so many hearts.. and yes he got his broken a time or two but he ended up happily ever after. It makes me look at the men in my past and how many bruises to the heart they’ve given me. Then I get to see them go off and end up HAPPY. And here I am, bruised, scared to open up but scared to be alone, with no happy ending in sight. It feels unfair. I don’t mean to say that Steve doesn’t DESERVE a happy ending. It just seems so easy for him to fuck around, not get hurt, and then end up happy with mild bruising along the way.

One of the things I thought about most was his more serious relationships and when he fell in love; I began wondering if I will ever find that. I wondered if any guy will ever look at me and think I’m the most beautiful girl they’ve ever see. I wonder if some guy will be able to think they could spend forever with me. I wonder if a guy would actually want to be a better person because of… me.

I found it so interesting how he handled his breakups. He’s a typical man in that he doesn’t dwell on a breakup. He was in love with Lila- his 17 yr old. He cut her out and was onto the next within a WEEK. He never really even dealt with it. She, on the other hand, was devastated. She didn’t understand how he could move on so fast… and he tells her “he’s a guy… it’s what guys do.”

Me- I’m the typical girl. I need to learn from what I’ve been through. I need to learn lessons to heal the pain. I can’t even get into all the things I learned from being with The Ex… I should start a running list.

I know this is just a ton of rambling and jumbled thoughts but thats how it feels in my head. One minute I’m thinking one thing and then the next minute I’ve completely changed gears. Hopefully I will start writing more often and maybe the thoughts will get clearer.

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Filed under Blogs I Heart, Over Analyzing, Relationships, The Ex

Sunday Blues

My heart aches a little today. I was involved with a guy, let’s call him The Ex, for about a year and it ended for good two months ago. In the last two weeks I’ve felt that I’m truly moving on and actually feel HAPPY again. See, he was no good for me. He did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated. However, last night I got drunk and I decided to confess to him that no matter how much I move on I still keep thinking about how I want to have sex with him. Just talking to him today threw me for a loop.

The thing that makes my heart ache is how he cares so little about me and i care so much about him. Even though I know he’s wrong for me, I lost my virginity to him and that gives him a special place in my heart. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him… but I can’t.

I’m sick of letting him have this hold on me. I don’t have that hold on him and it just tears me up. Why was I not enough? Why doesn’t he miss me? How could he just stop caring about me? Did he ever really care about me?

When I let it get me down, these are the questions I ask myself. This is why I can’t talk to him or see him. Because this is how I feel afterwards. I deleted his number completely from my phone today. I need to not see him, not talk to him, and I wish so badly that I could just stop thinking about him.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I can’t torture myself like this anymore, I just need to move on. It’s hard because we have mutual friends so I know I will have to see him but I want to be done with him. I want to stop asking why I wasn’t enough. I want to not care if he’s seeing other girls. I just want to be happy and not think about him.

I would have done anything for him. I put my whole heart on the line, i trusted him when he said he’d be around and he took my heart and he stomped on it, a number of times. Why do I still care? He doesn’t deserve me to ever speak to him again. Like I said.. i really wish I could hate him…

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Filed under Boys are Dumb, Past loves, The Ex

Oh Let’s Go Back to the Start…

I remember… how it all started with innocent flirting on our college graduation trip to Mexico. High school flirting like dunking me in the pool and realizing how ticklish I am. I still remember the first night we were there, we ended up sharing the pull out sofa together and we stayed up laughing at everything and nothing. I was amazed at how easily I could be myself around you. You even walked outside to the bar to get me a cup of water at 2 in the morning just because I was thirsty.

I remember… how fickle I was about you at first. When you gave me too much attention it was too easy and I was bored but when I had to fight for your attention it annoyed me. But everything about the way you acted was intriguing and kept me on my toes and I secretly loved it all.

I remember… our first kiss. We were sitting at the table with another friend who in his drunkeness decided to call us out on the sexual tension between us. It had been four days of flirting and he was right. He walked away and I still remember right before we kissed my stomach started doing little flips in anticipation. And when we did kiss, it was amazing; more amazing then i could have ever imagined.

I remember… how we couldn’t stop kissing after that. We ended up on one of the pool lounge chairs, making out like teenagers while the hotel employees were trying to clean up for the night but we were lost in our own world.

I remember… how we argued even back then. You have a tendency of saying the wrongs things and I have a tendency of being too emotional. Even our first week knowing each other we would fight, the way couples do. No, thats probably not normal, but nothing about us ever was.

I remember… how I convinced myself that you were completely wrong for me and I had no interest in dating you once we got home. But when you failed to ask me for my number when we said goodbye, you managed to spark my interest.

I remember… how one year ago, it all started with a hello and a smile as you sat in the back of the SUV on the way to the airport. I never could have planned how much impact you would have on my life and emotions over the next year.. and to think it all started with a little innocent flirting…

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Filed under Past loves, Reminiscing, The Ex, Vacation

Beautiful

After a recent heart break.. and frankly, too many heart breaks in the past. I dedicate this song to my new blog and also a new beginning in my life. Raising my standards and realizing that I deserve to find someone who will love me just as I am and that anyone who makes me think any differently does not deserve my time.

Here’s to all the single girls out there who each deserve a man who will tell them who they are is quite enough. 🙂

BETHANY DILLON LYRICS
“Beautiful”

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it’s killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I’m dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

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Filed under Boys are Dumb, Music, New Beginnings