Sunday Blues

My heart aches a little today. I was involved with a guy, let’s call him The Ex, for about a year and it ended for good two months ago. In the last two weeks I’ve felt that I’m truly moving on and actually feel HAPPY again. See, he was no good for me. He did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated. However, last night I got drunk and I decided to confess to him that no matter how much I move on I still keep thinking about how I want to have sex with him. Just talking to him today threw me for a loop.

The thing that makes my heart ache is how he cares so little about me and i care so much about him. Even though I know he’s wrong for me, I lost my virginity to him and that gives him a special place in my heart. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him… but I can’t.

I’m sick of letting him have this hold on me. I don’t have that hold on him and it just tears me up. Why was I not enough? Why doesn’t he miss me? How could he just stop caring about me? Did he ever really care about me?

When I let it get me down, these are the questions I ask myself. This is why I can’t talk to him or see him. Because this is how I feel afterwards. I deleted his number completely from my phone today. I need to not see him, not talk to him, and I wish so badly that I could just stop thinking about him.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I can’t torture myself like this anymore, I just need to move on. It’s hard because we have mutual friends so I know I will have to see him but I want to be done with him. I want to stop asking why I wasn’t enough. I want to not care if he’s seeing other girls. I just want to be happy and not think about him.

I would have done anything for him. I put my whole heart on the line, i trusted him when he said he’d be around and he took my heart and he stomped on it, a number of times. Why do I still care? He doesn’t deserve me to ever speak to him again. Like I said.. i really wish I could hate him…

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3 Comments

Filed under Boys are Dumb, Past loves, The Ex

3 responses to “Sunday Blues

  1. Since you’ve been ever-so-kind as to leave commentary over on The Craic, I’ve been reading through your archives.

    This one hit me with particular force. I’m sure you understand why. And you’re right, it is so so much easier when you can just hate. But when you need to the most – that’s when it’s so impossible.

    Great writing, by the way. I’m so glad you commented so I could stumble over here!

  2. Pingback: Heart Meet Head, Head Meet Heart… Why Can’t You Two Just Get Along? « Little Miss Obsessive

  3. oh this so sounds like something i wrote about my ex back a couple years ago. and you know, you DO deserve to be with someone who treats you good ALL of the time, and doesn’t still cause you this angst and heartache, still.

    hang in there, you will find someone deserving of you!

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