I have so much going on in my head today, I don’t even know where to start.
I read an entired blog (Hi, My Name is Steve and I’m a Sex Addict) in a weekend. It was like a good book I couldn’t put down. I was completely hooked on his life. At times, I even forgot it was real. When he started the blog he was 33, having a relationship with a 17 yr old and fucking just about every hot girl he came in contact with. If you cut to today, about 4 years later, he is happily married. I was so mesmerized by his writing, his life, his decisions. His blog really made me think about things- love, relationships, dating, men, life.
It made me realize how much I love reading blogs of annonymous writers. The honesty in their posts, from the details of their sex lives to their inner most thoughts. It’s voyerism, I feel like I’m spying on their life. I get to know the details that you normally don’t hear about. I love it.
But today, after reading his blog and with all the information that I found out from being in this man’s head, I feel confused and sad today. I know it sounds so odd that his blog made me sad and I’ve spent all day trying to figure out what it was that is bothering me. I’m still not sure. Maybe its the fact that he fucked around so much.. he broke so many hearts.. and yes he got his broken a time or two but he ended up happily ever after. It makes me look at the men in my past and how many bruises to the heart they’ve given me. Then I get to see them go off and end up HAPPY. And here I am, bruised, scared to open up but scared to be alone, with no happy ending in sight. It feels unfair. I don’t mean to say that Steve doesn’t DESERVE a happy ending. It just seems so easy for him to fuck around, not get hurt, and then end up happy with mild bruising along the way.
One of the things I thought about most was his more serious relationships and when he fell in love; I began wondering if I will ever find that. I wondered if any guy will ever look at me and think I’m the most beautiful girl they’ve ever see. I wonder if some guy will be able to think they could spend forever with me. I wonder if a guy would actually want to be a better person because of… me.
I found it so interesting how he handled his breakups. He’s a typical man in that he doesn’t dwell on a breakup. He was in love with Lila- his 17 yr old. He cut her out and was onto the next within a WEEK. He never really even dealt with it. She, on the other hand, was devastated. She didn’t understand how he could move on so fast… and he tells her “he’s a guy… it’s what guys do.”
Me- I’m the typical girl. I need to learn from what I’ve been through. I need to learn lessons to heal the pain. I can’t even get into all the things I learned from being with The Ex… I should start a running list.
I know this is just a ton of rambling and jumbled thoughts but thats how it feels in my head. One minute I’m thinking one thing and then the next minute I’ve completely changed gears. Hopefully I will start writing more often and maybe the thoughts will get clearer.