On Friday night, I was in Maryland visiting College Roomie and we were at her favorite bar in town. We were sitting at the bar, deep in conversation about our boy drama when Guy Without a Clue walks up, stands behind us and turns out this gem: “Hi.. so, I’m going to hit on you both right now because you’re both attractive.. equally attractive and I like you both…”
Cue the crickets.
“Um.. well… that’s.. an..interesting.. approach.” I finally spit out trying not to laugh. I mean that is just one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. And it was really too early in the night for him to be so drunk he thought that would be a good approach.
So he just stands there.. apparently, he thought SAYING he was going to hit on us, covered the actually hitting on us part. Now CR and I are not ones to straight up be bitches to guys who talk to us. I mean, a couple girls I’m friends with have zero tolerance for being hit on. They will try to ignore them for a minute and then they go into full on bitch mode. One night after a guy had worn out his welcome Cubie laid down the law and said, “OK! Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m staying here with my girls and YOU are going to go back over there with your little friend. OK?” I kid you not, the guy looked at her and then looked back at me and my other friend and finally says, “Ok. I’m gonna listen to you… but ONLY because you’re just so hot.” He smiled and walked back to his friend.
But back to Friday night. So he is just standing behind us, saying.. nothing. So finally we get back to our conversation, thinking OK, he’ll get the point. Next thing I know he manages to wiggle his way between me and CR.. I mean, literally fits himself between our bar stools. He attempts to do some flirty butt dancing manuveur on me which is making me fall over the barstool but he does NOT stop. He doesn’t even stop when I’m yelling that I’m about to face plant on the floor. I would have fallen off if the 50 year old man on the other side of me was not there to hold me up… If I was in Jersey, whoever was next to me probably would have let me fall on my face.
So now, I am annoyed. He then proceeds to ask for a kiss on the cheek. “Um, no.. you almost sent me flying onto the floor, I’m not giving you a kiss.” So he starts doing the butt thing that almost sends me flying off the stool. I start yelling for him to stop and then he tells me it’s either a kiss on the cheek or else he’s not stopping. Now, I am really flippin annoyed. He says “FINE! I was going to hit on YOU because I think you’re pretty but NOW I’m gonna hit on your friend.” Aw, shucks..
So he’s trying to talk to CR but she is running out of patience,
CR: “Excuse me, but my friend came all the way from NJ to see me and we’re trying to catch up.”
He scoots away from her a tad and sits in his chair. I go back to telling the story about Bestest and her b/f breaking up.
When GWaC leans onto CR and slurs, “OHHH, I know what she’s talkin about.”
CR: “What? No you don’t? Get back in your seat!”
GWaC: “Yes, she’s talking about the guy she’s rooting for.”
CR: “What? The guy she’s rooting for in life or in the football game?”
GWaC: “In life. Yea, she wanted him to get a touchdown but it was intercepted.”
CR: “Wait, your just repeating what’s happening on the TV. I thought she was rooting for the guy she wanted in LIFE.”
GWaC: “She is.”
Me: “Wait, so how was my touchdown intercepted?!”
GWaC: “Ugh, it just was.. you like this guy but it was intecepted. ”
GWaC: “YOU LIKE THIS GUY BUT..”
GWaC: “IT WAS INTERCEPTED!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Cue CR hysterically laughing and then whispering “OMG, you’re just trying to piss him off now aren’t you?!” And now we’re both laughing, the kind of giggling that you just cannot stop. So GWaC is pissed and hating his life. You would THINK that he would leave us alone now right? Yes, you would think. He doesn’t. It takes the bartenders help and a few other new friends we made to form a barracade between us and GWaC.
But my favorite line of the night goes to CR’s favorite bartender:
CR: “Hey so how was last night?”
Fave Bartender: “Good.. took a couple bong hits, went out for a little, went home and crashed…”
CR shakes head in disapproval.
Fave Bartenader looks at me: “She hates when I talk about taking bong hits… but I think it’s just because she wants the peen.”