So, I’ve been talking to The Ex (yes, i changed his name again, formerly, FirstLove and K, I promise this one is sticking) a lot lately. You know, the one that makes me feel like this sometimes. Shortly after I wrote that entry I saw him at a mutual friends party and we talked for hours, about everything. We talked about what happened between us, the mistakes we both made and why we just couldn’t work out. There was some kissing, I gave into the kissing but nothing more. I know I’ve never written the whole backstory yet but I will soon. That night he tells me that he still cares about me, he still really likes me, he still has feelings for me. That was never the problem, the problem is that he just can’t commit… to anything really. He thinks I’m amazing but he just can’t give me what I want and deserve right now. I deserve more, that’s what he said. I knew he couldn’t or wouldn’t commit from the start. That’s why my mistake was sticking around and thinking he would change. I thought that night had finally brought me the closure I so desperately wanted but really it ended up opening the door to us again.
After that night, we went back to talking every so often, some texting here and there. And then a few weeks ago, we started talking a lot. Now, it’s become almost everyday. Mostly texting, once and awhile a phone call. And then he says..
I really want to see you soon.
My heart really wants to see him too. But my head knows better. See, my head knows nothing has changed. My head knows that if we hang out once we probably will hang out again… and then again… and then again. And although he calls us “friends” we aren’t JUST friends, we never have been. We will cuddle, we will kiss, I will have butterflies and oh, the trouble. And then I will be EXACTLY where I was a year ago. See, my head knows this, my head understands this.
But then theres my heart. Oh, my heart gets excited at the prospect of seeing him again. He makes me laugh and I’m completely myself around him. He loves who I am, craziness and all. My heart loves the butterflies I get when he plays with my hair and gives me that look when he thinks I just did something really cute. My heart just really wants him.
See, my head know better but my heart does not hear the logic… it just feels the butterflies.