It was Sunday night when an all too familiar feeling of disappointment swept over me. I had almost forgotten this feeling. You know when you can actually physically feel your heart hurt? That’s what it feels like when he disappoints me. And all the sudden the questions were back:
“Why doesn’t he care? Why doesn’t he miss me? Why doesn’t want to see me? Why did he ever say those things if they weren’t true?!”
I was curled up in bed when the tears came. I was not hysterical… the tears just needed to escape for a minute.
I had asked him to let me know if he could make it to the party on Saturday. He said if he didn’t have to work he would definitely go. I believed him… because he said he missed me and he said he really wanted to see me and you know what? I WANTED to believe those things were true.
But he did not go. He did not call. He just did nothing. And worst of all, he seemed to think that was okay.
In my wine induced state of drunkenness on Saturday night, I had sent an angry text or two – I can never hold back when it comes to him. Then later on, I had sent a couple more taking back half of what I had said… yea, basically I took the express train to Crazytown. Thankfully his phone was dead and the next day, he was unphased by my crazy behavior:
“What happened?” He asked.
“I was just really bothered by the fact that you didn’t come last night and you didn’t even let me know like you said you would. I am sorry for acting crazy last night… I just really don’t want to talk about it.”
“No problem… so did you have fun?”
“Yea, it was a good time.. What did you end up doing?”
“I just went to a party with Mark.”
“See, this is why I was upset. You chose to go to a party with a guy you see everyday over seeing me. I mean, it’s fine, at least I know the truth now.”
“Nooo.. come on, it’s not like that jerk.”
“Listen, it’s okay. Obviously, you don’t miss me or want to see me becuase if you really did, you would have taken the opportunity to see me.”
“Really, it’s not like that. I will take my next opportunity!”
“It’s really okay. It’s better that I know the truth.”
“But it’s not the truth. I do miss you. I do want to see you.”
“I just wish you could understand how it looks/feels from my perspective.”
“I’m sorry sweetie..”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I woke up on Monday in a bit of a mood. My head was saying, “See! I told you soooo. You should always listen to me, you silly girl.” Frankly, my heart was too tired to argue. “I’m done,” I thought. “I’m done… I need to keep moving forward.”
And then he texted me.
I just stared at my phone. I really didn’t expect to hear from him so soon. Sometimes, I feel like guys have this radar that detects when a girl is ready to move on. It’s almost like they can hear you thinking “I’m done” and they know they need to step up or they will lose you…
We make small talk for a couple minutes but I’m not myself. I’m still hurt and I don’t really feel like joking around.
“I really want to take you out tomorrow night. I want to go to the beach.”
It was about a year ago when we initially tried to go to the beach at night for a date. It ended up raining that night and then it was too cold out to go. When I saw him a couple months ago I had said that I was disappointed we never made it there. He said we still could but I said no.
“I’m sure Mark would like to go with you.”
“No, I want it to be romantic. I want to go with you. How about I bring a blanket and some red wine… Will you go with me?”
I knew I should say no… I really knew it… but I could feel my head losing the battle.
“Well, tomorrow is no good for me anyways…” I reply.
“Okay so Wed?”
I don’t answer.
“Or Thursday? Come on, I’m trying!”
I don’t answer.
“I’m sorry about the other night… Please let me make it up to you…”
With every text he sent it was getting harder to say no. I knew deep down that I really did want to go. My head was losing out to my heart. I felt like I couldn’t help it, my heart just had the stronger pull… and I guess I wasn’t really “done.”
“Well, tomorrow is no good.. but… I guess Wed or Thurs could work.”
“Okay, Wednesday night… It’s a date. :)”