My Heart’s Greatest Weakness

It was Sunday night when an all too familiar feeling of disappointment swept over me.  I had almost forgotten this feeling.  You know when you can actually physically feel your heart hurt?  That’s what it feels like when he disappoints me.  And all the sudden the questions were back:

“Why doesn’t he care?  Why doesn’t he miss me?  Why doesn’t want to see me?  Why did he ever say those things if they weren’t true?!”

I was curled up in bed when the tears came.  I was not hysterical… the tears just needed to escape for a minute.

I had asked him to let me know if he could make it to the party on Saturday.  He said if he didn’t have to work he would definitely go.  I believed him… because he said he missed me and he said he really wanted to see me and you know what?  I WANTED to believe those things were true. 

But he did not go.  He did not call.  He just did nothing.  And worst of all, he seemed to think that was okay.

In my wine induced state of drunkenness on Saturday night, I had sent an angry text or two – I can never hold back when it comes to him.  Then later on, I had sent a couple more taking back half of what I had said… yea, basically I took the express train to Crazytown.  Thankfully his phone was dead and the next day, he was unphased by my crazy behavior:

“What happened?” He asked.

“I was just really bothered by the fact that you didn’t come last night and you didn’t even let me know like you said you would.  I am sorry for acting crazy last night… I just really don’t want to talk about it.”

“No problem… so did you have fun?”

“Yea, it was a good time.. What did you end up doing?”

“I just went to a party with Mark.”

“See, this is why I was upset.  You chose to go to a party with a guy you see everyday over seeing me.  I mean, it’s fine, at least I know the truth now.”

“Nooo.. come on, it’s not like that jerk.”

“Listen, it’s okay.  Obviously, you don’t miss me or want to see me becuase if you really did, you would have taken the opportunity to see me.”

“Really, it’s not like that.  I will take my next opportunity!”

“It’s really okay.  It’s better that I know the truth.”

“But it’s not the truth.  I do miss you.  I do want to see you.”

“I just wish you could understand how it looks/feels from my perspective.”

“I’m sorry sweetie..”

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

I woke up on Monday in a bit of a mood.  My head was saying, “See! I told you soooo.  You should always listen to me, you silly girl.”  Frankly, my heart was too tired to argue.  “I’m done,” I thought.  “I’m done… I need to keep moving forward.”

And then he texted me.

“Hey you..”

I just stared at my phone.  I really didn’t expect to hear from him so soon.  Sometimes, I feel like guys have this radar that detects when a girl is ready to move on.  It’s almost like they can hear you thinking “I’m done” and they know they need to step up or they will lose you…

We make small talk for a couple minutes but I’m not myself.  I’m still hurt and I don’t really feel like joking around.

“I really want to take you out tomorrow night.  I want to go to the beach.”

It was about a year ago when we initially tried to go to the beach at night for a date.  It ended up raining that night and then it was too cold out to go.  When I saw him a couple months ago I had said that I was disappointed we never made it there.  He said we still could but I said no.

“I’m sure Mark would like to go with you.”

“No, I want it to be romantic.  I want to go with you.  How about I bring a blanket and some red wine… Will you go with me?”

I knew I should say no… I really knew it… but I could feel my head losing the battle.

“Well, tomorrow is no good for me anyways…” I reply.

“Okay so Wed?”

I don’t answer.

“Or Thursday? Come on, I’m trying!”

I don’t answer.

“I’m sorry about the other night… Please let me make it up to you…”

With every text he sent it was getting harder to say no.  I knew deep down that I really did want to go.  My head was losing out to my heart.  I felt like I couldn’t help it, my heart just had the stronger pull… and I guess I wasn’t really “done.” 

“Well, tomorrow is no good.. but… I guess Wed or Thurs could work.”

“Okay, Wednesday night… It’s a date. :)”

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11 Comments

Filed under Boys are Dumb, My Crazy, Past loves, Relationships, The Ex

11 responses to “My Heart’s Greatest Weakness

  1. Oh good god… I WAS so that guy. (stress on the word ‘was’)

    Would it be a fair assumption – from the way you talk about him, I imagine you know him pretty well – that he’s fairly insecure?

    He is totally playing on your insecurities, and playing to his own needs of needing power over someone. By constantly keeping you at arms length, he is allowing himself the power to know that if he wants you, he can have you. Sorry, I know that’s a little harsh-sounding, but in this case its true. That doesn’t make you a weak person, but by the sounds of it, he’s messed you around before, and you want him to like you, ultimately.

    This is a person that makes a date with you, gets your hopes up, and then doesn’t even call to break the date. And his phone died? How convenient for him.

    In England, we would call this guy a class A Wanker. I don’t want to sound overly harsh here, I really don’t, but I am incensed that you’re here pouring your heart out of someone who doesn’t give a shit.

    he knows all he has to say is that he misses you, or wants you, and he feels like thats enough to cover being a complete asshole to you just a couple of days earlier.

    I know this is easier said than done, but you need to be shot of someone like that, and fast. Otherwise you’ll be on here forever, going ‘what did I do?’ and blaming yourself forever.

    Anyway, I like your happy posts.

    David
    x

  2. mysoundingboard123

    Exactly my sentiments dear… S always says he misses me ,enjoys talking ot me ,wants to meeting me and all that jazz… But when we have a fight he just breaks my heart so bad… I dont know what to believe… And like you said … its so hard to move on too…
    Take care

    mysoundingboard123.wordpress.com

  3. cindydating

    Guys can be dense at times, but they definitely have the radar you mentioned. They always KNOW when you are DONE with them. Some guys go and crawl under the nearest rock at this point and other guys do what you described.

    Have you read the book He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys? It’s a fun read and tells us (women) in every way possible that if a guy is REALLY into us, his behavior will show it (every day, not just when it’s convenient for them).

  4. Oh this one hit hard for me today. I just (literally, just) had to write an email to The Pizza Boy telling him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. An ex who’s a “friend” – that never goes well. He and I have been doing it for seven years and I’ve finally had enough.

    I hate to be preachy (really, I swear) but if you’re feeling jerked around and disappointed all of the time, that’s not going to change. There will be phases, ups and downs. That’s what had me “trapped” with TPB. I kept rationalizing, kept clinging to the ups when I was feeling the hurt of a down.

    Some relationships are just toxic and, though it hurts like hell, sometimes it’s best to just let them go. Think about it. Would you accept this kind of behavior from any other friend?

  5. laylou

    Well it’s Wednesday. I’m curious to see how it turns out if you go.

    Thanks for reading my blog; I’m adding you to my list of daily reads. It seems I have been where you have been many a time before… I’m going to do some reading on your other posts to catch up.

    Hugs and good luck this evening,
    Nora

  6. chloetheingenue

    Aww sweetie I know the feeling.. Hope everything went well tonight !

  7. I think every girl has dated a guy like this at least once in their lives! It’s Wednesday, so I’m hoping things went well.

  8. cindydating

    The last few comments made me realize something I left out…

    Your “community” supports you in whatever decisions you make. We’ve all been there more times than we’d like to admit 🙂

    I look forward to hearing more about what’s going on with you!

  9. arcadefire10

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been in a tumultuous relationship with this one girl off and on, but if she ever said she wanted to give it another go, I don’t think I could resist.

  10. longredcape

    Oh God, BrownEyes does that, too. Just when I think, “Well I guess I am not going to hear from him again. Time to move on.”, he calls me. Well, I’m not calling him anymore. He has pissed me off and now I just have a bad taste in my mouth about him.

  11. Pingback: Men Have Radar That Detects When a Girl is Ready to Move On « Cindy, Dating

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