“So… I have a confession to make…” I admited to Molly as we sat on her couches, mid Office marathon. “…I was suppose to hang out with The Ex last night.. but I ended up cancelling.”
“Oh god.. what were you suppose to do?”
“It’s probably gonna make you nauseous but we were suppose to go to the beach, drink wine, yada yada… Remember we had that planned a year ago and never made it? Well… okay, really, it all started on Saturday night…” I gave her a quick rundown of Saturday-Monday’s events.
“Oh good girl for cancelling! But what made you change your mind?”
“You know, honestly, I just woke up on Wednesday and thought to myself… I can’t go. I can’t do this. Nothing has changed, he hasn’t grown up and we still want different things. Why am I going to put myself through this again? I can’t start going backwards.. I can’t go back to how things were. I didn’t even give him an excuse. I simply said, ‘I don’t think we should hang out. I want to but I can’t.’ And I mean… it’s not like we were even going to be hanging out as friends. Clearly, this was a date.. and he wanted it to be romantic and really, I kept asking myself, ‘What’s the point?'”
“Ah, yes! I’m so happy you realized that.”
“I mean, it wasn’t easy… I was actually pretty upset about it. Even though I knew I made the right decision..”
“Yea.. it’s like your a smoker, okay? And it’s like you went and bought the pack of cigarettes, picked them up, realized they were no good for you and decided to throw them out. That’s not easy… I’m really proud of you!”
“haha.. I love the analogy Mol..”
“Ya like that right? But seriously… next time don’t even bother wasting your money buying the pack.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
So… there you have it.
I couldn’t go through with the date. Something about writing the previous post… Seeing the story staring back at me, made me wake up on Wednesday morning with a slightly clearer head. I don’t even know where the strength came from but suddenly, I knew that I could not go. I actually got all teary eyed in my cube when I cancelled. Becaue I really did want to go… I really did want to see him but I knew I couldn’t. I knew that in the end I would end up regretting it. And out of nowhere, to my great surprise, my head ended up winning after all.
I can tell you exactly how it would have gone if I went. We would have had a great night. We would have had so much fun together, making each other laugh, cuddling, kissing and never running out of things to talk about. I would have had butterflies and put those rose colored glasses back on. I would have been that much more attached again. I’m sure that this would have probably led to hanging out again… and then again. I’m sure that before I knew it we’d be dating again but I’m also damn sure, all the same issues would still be there.
In high school, I had a school counselor I used to talk to. He had a poster hung on his wall that read “Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” I couldn’t help but think of that quote yesterday. I mean, clearly, I’m acting insane because I keep expecting different results with The Ex even though nothing truly has changed. I do love being around him but he can’t give me what I want. He can’t fully commit to me and I really would be settling if I started seeing him again. I deserve more that that.
Molly always called him my “bad habit” “my addiction.” In a way, she’s right. I am addicted to the situation, to the rollercoaster ride of it all. We’re up and then we’re down. We’re fighting and the next minute we’re laughing. One second I’m on cloud nine and the next, I’m crying. One second I love him, the next I hate him.
But it’s toxic this addiction.. and now I’m trying to kick it, cold turkey.