Insanity: Doing the Same Thing Over and Over, Expecting Different Results

“So… I have a confession to make…” I admited to Molly as we sat on her couches, mid Office marathon.  “…I was suppose to hang out with The Ex last night.. but I ended up cancelling.”

“Oh god.. what were you suppose to do?”

“It’s probably gonna make you nauseous but we were suppose to go to the beach, drink wine, yada yada… Remember we had that planned a year ago and never made it?  Well… okay, really, it all started on Saturday night…”  I gave her a quick rundown of Saturday-Monday’s events.

“Oh good girl for cancelling! But what made you change your mind?”

“You know, honestly, I just woke up on Wednesday and thought to myself… I can’t go.  I can’t do this.  Nothing has changed, he hasn’t grown up and we still want different things.  Why am I going to put myself through this again?  I can’t start going backwards.. I can’t go back to how things were.  I didn’t even give him an excuse.  I simply said, ‘I don’t think we should hang out.  I want to but I can’t.’ And I mean… it’s not like we were even going to be hanging out as friends.  Clearly, this was a date.. and he wanted it to be romantic and really, I kept asking myself, ‘What’s the point?'”

“Ah, yes!  I’m so happy you realized that.”

“I mean, it wasn’t easy… I was actually pretty upset about it.  Even though I knew I made the right decision..”

“Yea.. it’s like your a smoker, okay?  And it’s like you went and bought the pack of cigarettes, picked them up, realized they were no good for you and decided to throw them out.  That’s not easy… I’m really proud of you!”

“haha.. I love the analogy Mol..”

“Ya like that right?  But seriously… next time don’t even bother wasting your money buying the pack.”

*     *     *    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     * 

So… there you have it. 

I couldn’t go through with the date.  Something about writing the previous post… Seeing the story staring back at me, made me wake up on Wednesday morning with a slightly clearer head.  I don’t even know where the strength came from but suddenly, I knew that I could not go.  I actually got all teary eyed in my cube when I cancelled.  Becaue I really did want to go… I really did want to see him but I knew I couldn’t.  I knew that in the end I would end up regretting it.  And out of nowhere, to my great surprise, my head ended up winning after all. 

I can tell you exactly how it would have gone if I went.  We would have had a great night.  We would have had so much fun together, making each other laugh, cuddling, kissing and never running out of things to talk about.  I would have had butterflies and put those rose colored glasses back on. I would have been that much more attached again.  I’m sure that this would have probably led to hanging out again… and then again.  I’m sure that before I knew it we’d be dating again but I’m also damn sure, all the same issues would still be there

In high school, I had a school counselor I used to talk to.  He had a poster hung on his wall that read “Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”  I couldn’t help but think of that quote yesterday.  I mean, clearly, I’m acting insane because I keep expecting different results with The Ex even though nothing truly has changed.  I do love being around him but he can’t give me what I want.  He can’t fully commit to me and I really would be settling if I started seeing him again.  I deserve more that that.

Molly always called him my “bad habit” “my addiction.”  In a way, she’s right.  I am addicted to the situation, to the rollercoaster ride of it all.  We’re up and then we’re down.  We’re fighting and the next minute we’re laughing.  One second I’m on cloud nine and the next, I’m crying.  One second I love him, the next I hate him.

But it’s toxic this addiction.. and now I’m trying to kick it, cold turkey.

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8 Comments

Filed under Over Analyzing, Relationships, single life, The Ex

8 responses to “Insanity: Doing the Same Thing Over and Over, Expecting Different Results

  1. laylou

    This man sounds like someone I once dated who did the exact same thing. I sincerely hope he hasn’t moved to your city!

    Good for you… I know how very hard it is, but the best part is that once your head wins over your heart in a situation like this, you win, you get strong, you survive.

    Hugs and Happy Friday,
    Nora

  2. oh my friend… my heart goes out to you. seriously, this situation right here? this rollercoaster of a relationship with your ex? sounds so very similar to what i had with my ex. and you know, i just wrote the other day, how after 1.5 years, i still ache in my heart over it all. you my dear, are not insane. sometimes our heart just tricks us. and as i wrote, those rose colored glasses sometimes fog things up. nostalgia kicks in and makes us remember mostly only the good and hardly any of the bad (and oh, there were lots of bad). as hard as the decision was to cancel your date, i think you made the right decision. feel proud of yourself an empowered for doing that. you deserve to be treated like gold. you deserve to be with someone who you dont have a past history of angst and upset with. and you are going to find that one day, i just know it. keep on keeping on- keep your head up. in time, it’s going to get easier.
    email me if you ever want to chat about it all. 🙂

  3. I am so so so happy to read this post. So proud of you! I KNOW how much strength that takes.

    And it’s hard. Of course. Every moment since I’ve told TPB that I can’t have him in my life right now, I’ve felt a twinge. Not really regret, but just a feeling of sadness. I have a great time with him, I care about him, we can be great together. But when it’s toxic (and been that way for years), your mind has to take over at some point. Cold turkey is the way to go. Believe it or not, it makes it easier.

    Good luck with sticking to it! You can do it! And, if ever you feel your resolve weakening, re-read your post. This is rational, un-bedazzled you talking. And she’s one smart cookie 🙂

  4. mysoundingboard123

    Hey dear… I TOTALLY understand what you must be going through….Its the same problem that i face with S … I know he doesnt love me like I do … He is possibly the best guy around .. But after all these many months.. I still ache for him.. His laughter ,his touch ,his smile .. everything.. Its very difficult to wean oneself away from the one we hold a strong attraction for.. Even though we know its eventually for the best…
    All the best for your future …
    Lots of love 🙂
    mysoundingboard123@wordpress.com

  5. butterflyliz32

    Congrats on your strength!!! If I had those thoughts back in the day, I wouldn’t be writing a fabulous blog about the road to divorce!! Watch out for those red flags – on fire… in the dark. They are there for a reason! 🙂

    http://www.butterflyliz32.wordpress.com
    http://www.adivorcestory.wordpress.com

  6. a0m0y7

    Ok, I found your blog from butterflyliz32’s blog. I enjoyed it and even added it to my blogroll just so I can keep up with your dating adventures. It fun to find other single girls who know better, but can’t resist that certain boy… why do they have to be so charming?

  7. J.

    I was just looking on the internet and I found this. I was hoping you might offer some advice. I have been off and on with “the love of my life” for almost 5 years and I keep going over and over the same issues. This should tell me something. He is the sweet, most lovable person I know…but he is not wholly loving. In short, I have fallen helplessly for a narcissist and someone who lacks the insight to know the pain he causes with his avoidance, defensiveness, and emotional absence. I know that love requires acceptance, but this is a deal breaker. The lack of communication and disregard for my feelings is what precipitates the…love, then hate…cycle I go through. I realize I probably have already decided…well, I know what the truth of the matter is. Somehow, I keep refusing to accept that I can’t make it work. There is only so much I can do. It is strange to think how my childhood and the way I was raised helped me gravitate toward someone like this. I have always been the overly conscientious, caring, and sympathetic one who bends to the will and needs of others…he was coddled, but criticized at every turn. I know his parents and I understand the depth of the coldness and deficiency they directed. Really, it’s not a deficiency…it just is when it comes to what I need. I wish love were enough, but it’s sad to say that it’s not. Unconditionally, I guess I will always love him…but romantically, it just cannot be. I just wish I could know how or what to do to get over him. I have convinced myself that there isn’t any better out there. On large part, being with him has meant happiness to me. I would and I have traded my needs to stay with him. I do not want to think of life without him. For some reason, I value him so much…I guess that’s what I need to figure out. The why…so I can move past this. Sorry for venting with this post. I just thought you should know you’re entry really helped me. It’s inspiring and lends well as you said to your courage and strength. I hope everything worked out well for you.

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