This morning I could only remember little bits and pieces of that day. My defense mechanism during break ups is to push the happy times out of my head. So today when I thought back to my favorite date of ours from one year ago, I really had to pull it out of the vault where I’d stored it away for safe keeping. But once I cracked it open just a little, the flood gates opened and it poured out…
* * * * *
When he first told me that I was all his Dec 8th-9th and that what we were doing was a surprise, I didn’t really know what to expect.
“I like surprises,” I told him.
But I liked being a little detective even more. Eventually, he gave me one hint…
“It will put us in the Christmas spirit… I didn’t know what we should do at first but when I found this, I kind of thought it was perfect…”
I had told him a few days before that I was so excited for Christmas and he had listened. Eventually, he ended up giving me the time “it” started. So like a good little detective, I Googled everything and anything I could think of until I found it – A Christmas Carol.
“Perfect, indeed” I thought to myself.
* * * * *
I got into the car the day of our date, and we took off…
“Don’t you want to know where we are going?”
“Oh, yes! Where?!”
He pulls out the tickets and I am right, we are going to the play. I squeal like a girl and tell him how excited I am.
“See, you can too plan dates… this is just perfect. Thank you!”
I never did tell him that I figured it out beforehand.
The show was amazing and the town was even better. White lights decorated the streets and filled the air with Christmas spirit. We found a nice little Italian restaurant to have lunch in, complete with a bottle of wine. We held hands across the table and I remember being deliriously happy. I remember thinking – I’ve never, ever felt so much like myself with another guy.
* * * * *
As we drove to the hotel, he made a silly joke and I let out a laugh straight from the soul. He grabbed my hand and said,
“You know… I think you get my sense of humor more than anyone I’ve ever known…”
And he isn’t the type of guy to just say things like that so it really hit me straight in the heart. I didn’t say anything, just smiled.
When we started getting close to the hotel, I got quiet and my bouncing, jittery leg gave away my nervousness without me realizing it.
He looked over at me and laughed,
“Sweetie, relax, we’re just going to a hotel to spend the night (ed note: this part of the date was not a surprise he sprung on me.. we talked about this beforehand) .. don’t be nervous… It doesn’t mean anything has to happen.”
But I was a little nervous… and a little excited. I don’t know exactly what point that day I decided for sure I wanted to have sex with him but I knew it by that point. But I was nervous… I mean you hold onto something tight for 22 years and of course it’s scary to let go. But I couldn’t deny how I felt about him and what was I waiting for anyways?
* * * * *
The seven months of dating leading up to this point had been tumultuous and equally full of fights and laughs. I think I liked that he could push my buttons, and I could push his. I guess I always knew I’d end up hurt, but I just didn’t care. There were many nights to come that I would question my choice to sleep with him but now, a year later, I can say for sure I don’t regret it. Because I got those butterflies again just by writing this entry. And I cared about him… well, I still do care about him very deeply. Even after everything we’ve been through. In a perfect world, I wanted to be in love my first time… but I feel like it ended up happening exactly how it was meant to and that feels good.