But What About Your Boyfriend?

It seems that, without fail, when I start talking to someone about how I’m applying to grad school, the conversation always end up turning in this direction:

Them: So where are you thinking of going?

Me: Well, (university nearby) is the only school I would be able to commute to, unfortunately, the others are all at least an hour and a half away.  The farthest is 4 hrs.  So it really depends where I get in.

Them: Ohhhhh but what about your boyfriend?

To which, I normally respond, what ABOUT my boyfriend?  No, I don’t want to leave him.  In fact, I have moments where I think about going away and get scared if we are still together this could fuck everything up.  But what exactly am I suppose to do?  I NEED to go to the school that a) accepts me and b) will give me an assistantship that covers my tuition.  If it’s the school nearby, then great! I would be happy to go there.  And if it’s not, well… we will just have to make it work.

Because I have to do what I have to do.  And we only have barely 2 months under our belt, what if we aren’t even together in a year?  There’s a lot that could happen and while I truly hope things continue to be great, who knows.  I just don’t see why I should be expected to plan my future around my relationship.  Well, at least not in this case.  I only have one option nearby.  And I don’t think I should limit myself to that one program.  If the roles were reversed, while I would HATE for him to leave me to go to grad school, I would understand if he had to and I would support him.

I don’t really like to dwell on this aspect of it because I don’t know whats going to happen with the whole application process.  I don’t know where I”ll be accepted.  So why start worrying now about long distance and such when I could very well end up going to the university nearby?  But people seem to keep making me think about it… even make me feel guilty – like how in the world could I even consider moving a couple hours away, to go after the career I want.  And I just don’t get it.  Its not like I’m trying to leave him for no reason.

And while I know my boyfriend would love for me to go to the school as close to him as possible, he also reinforces that I need to do what I need to do.   That I need to find the program that’s right for me.  He is completely supportive, even if the idea of being hours away isn’t quite appealing to him.  Which I know it isn’t, but he does not give me a guilt trip for.  However, other people are doing a good job.

All this even made me have a dream the other day that he was secretly mad at me for thinking about leaving.  Maybe I do feel guilty, but this plan was in motion before I met him, and I just can’t rationalize changing this particular plan for a guy, even if I am crazy about him. 



Filed under Honest to blog, New Beginnings, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis

5 responses to “But What About Your Boyfriend?

  1. My thoughts are this: it’s not often enough that women do what they need to do, what’s right for them, and good for their lives so KUDOS to you. We need to drop the 1950s mentality that the woman must always stand right next to her man in all aspects of life because quite frankly, that’s unrealistic. Do we care about how you feel about possibly leaving your boyfriend? Of course, but that doesn’t mean that I think you should abandon what you want to do.

    Some people are so silly.

    If you wind up a few hours away, you’ll make it work. If you wind up close, hooray! And like you said, no sense altering your life plan for a man you’ve been dating for two months. Do you what little miss obsessive needs to do. It’s your life. Love it and live it! =)

  2. Lauren

    Here’s my little story. I started dating a boy at the end of my senior year of college. He was always going to be moving to New York. And so I decided to move to Cambodia. So, I lived in SE Asia and he lived in New York for a year. Our relationship was fantastic. The distance sucked sometimes but didn’t hinder our relationship/love in any way.

    Then I moved to NYC and lived with him. All was well. Until I decided I needed to go to grad school. And well, the programs I wanted were in Seattle, Minneapolis or Ann Arbor. He stayed in NYC. I moved to Minneapolis.

    And well, we’re still in love and going strong 2 1/2 years later.

    Your relationship was survive the distance if it is meant to work out. In my opinion, distance doesn’t break relationships. There are certainly days when it won’t be EASY but that doesn’t mean you don’t do it.

    Tell everyone else to butt out and live their own lives and make their own decisions.

  3. Maybe I am crazy and too optimistic but what is meant to be will be. Good for you for sticking to your guns and going for what is best for you. That is always the best path!

  4. I have a similar story….

    When my boyfriend and I started dating I was still in college and he had just graduated. We were together for 6 months when he joined the military. It was extrememly tough. Especially since I still had a year and a half of school left and he was going to be stationed about 3 hours away.

    4 years later and we are still together and I have to say the distance really worked well for us. It helped us build or communication and appreciate the time we had together. Plus I could spend the week doing my own thing and he could do his own thing and we would meet up on the weekends.

    Do what you have to for yourself.

  5. J

    I’m married to the guy that I spent the first 3 years being away from!

    At first he was about 1500 miles away for the first 1 1/2 years and THEN he got shipped to Iraq for 15 months. Then he returned to the States to be still 1500 miles away for another two months.

    We’ve been married for 3+ years. It can be done. I agree with whomever said distance doesn’t break relationships!

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