It seems that, without fail, when I start talking to someone about how I’m applying to grad school, the conversation always end up turning in this direction:
Them: So where are you thinking of going?
Me: Well, (university nearby) is the only school I would be able to commute to, unfortunately, the others are all at least an hour and a half away. The farthest is 4 hrs. So it really depends where I get in.
Them: Ohhhhh but what about your boyfriend?
To which, I normally respond, what ABOUT my boyfriend? No, I don’t want to leave him. In fact, I have moments where I think about going away and get scared if we are still together this could fuck everything up. But what exactly am I suppose to do? I NEED to go to the school that a) accepts me and b) will give me an assistantship that covers my tuition. If it’s the school nearby, then great! I would be happy to go there. And if it’s not, well… we will just have to make it work.
Because I have to do what I have to do. And we only have barely 2 months under our belt, what if we aren’t even together in a year? There’s a lot that could happen and while I truly hope things continue to be great, who knows. I just don’t see why I should be expected to plan my future around my relationship. Well, at least not in this case. I only have one option nearby. And I don’t think I should limit myself to that one program. If the roles were reversed, while I would HATE for him to leave me to go to grad school, I would understand if he had to and I would support him.
I don’t really like to dwell on this aspect of it because I don’t know whats going to happen with the whole application process. I don’t know where I”ll be accepted. So why start worrying now about long distance and such when I could very well end up going to the university nearby? But people seem to keep making me think about it… even make me feel guilty – like how in the world could I even consider moving a couple hours away, to go after the career I want. And I just don’t get it. Its not like I’m trying to leave him for no reason.
And while I know my boyfriend would love for me to go to the school as close to him as possible, he also reinforces that I need to do what I need to do. That I need to find the program that’s right for me. He is completely supportive, even if the idea of being hours away isn’t quite appealing to him. Which I know it isn’t, but he does not give me a guilt trip for. However, other people are doing a good job.
All this even made me have a dream the other day that he was secretly mad at me for thinking about leaving. Maybe I do feel guilty, but this plan was in motion before I met him, and I just can’t rationalize changing this particular plan for a guy, even if I am crazy about him.