Late Night Revelation

The last few days I have been struggling to come to terms with something…  the notion that The Ex is in love with his new g/f. I mean, we were on and off for two years and it was always, I really like you or I really care about you. Never the L bomb. At least not on his end. And not that I ever vocalized either.

But now here he is, a mere two or three months in with a new girl and they are “in love”. And I see him doing all those things that he refused to do for me. All the commitment he could never give to me. He’s IN IT with her, you know.  As opposed to always having one foot out the door with me.

But I knew what was bothering me was bigger than that. It wasn’t just about him, I knew it went deeper than that. On the way home from my boyfriend’s tonight I was thinking of how I’ve been slightly more on edge with him than usual, almost looking for reasons to get mad.  Looking at it know, its actually quite characteristic of myself when I’m feeling insecure – that’s when it hit me.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks… the bigger picture, the real thought taunting me:

I’m afraid I’m un-lovable.

The Ex couldn’t love me and I realized that although I know my boyfriend really LIKES me, I’m scared he’ll never be able to love me either.  And I drove home feeling broken.  Sometimes I think I’ve grown so much, like I have it all together but in that moment I felt small and lost… and really sad.  Sad because I guess I still don’t believe that I’m deserving of love.  Sad because can I really be in a healthy relationship with such an unhealthy line of thinking?  I don’t know.  Maybe this is just temporary.  All I know is I needed to get this out and that’s as far as my analyzing has gone as of 1am this morning.

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10 Comments

Filed under Honest to blog, Love, Relationships

10 responses to “Late Night Revelation

  1. cuteellaisbold

    Aw. Hugs from a stranger! I often wonder the same thing but realize that I have been loved, I prob. am loved, and will be loved in the future.

    I’m sure the same is true for you. Everyone is lovable…you just have to meet the right person.

  2. As annoying as it is, sometimes it takes a break up for a guy to realize what he did wrong in the last one. And they can’t always go back and fix the last one because of their fear of inadequacy.

    I know that you are lovable and I know deep down you know it too.

    It’s hard to convince yourself otherwise (trust me, I know) but someone will love you and it will be fabulous. (I also guarantee that someone already loves you and you just don’t know it yet. Could be the boyfriend. Could be another guy who pines for you. It’s true. Someone loves you!)

    Sending you hugs. Feel free to email me if you need/want to chat. xoxox

  3. You are not unlovable! Take that back right now, missy!

    I know it must be hard right now, but dwelling on it won’t help. There’s probably a reason you two didn’t end up together- just keep thinking about that. Plus, who says you won’t meet someone better who is ready to say I love you?

  4. I am so sorry you feel like that!! Big hugs. I definitely agree that it will just take the right guy. I really don’t understand why, but Exes in new relationships are sooo tough…even when you are perfectly happy elsewhere. And you don’t always know whats going on in his new relationship…its easy to make things appear to be “great”. However it is that you know this information about your ex, is it possible to remove it from your life? It seems like you are torturing yourself by finding out this stuff about him. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.

  5. From the guy’s perspective: remember, we don’t always express ourselves the way that the female mind does. Of course you’re loveable, but the signs of it may be more subtle than you think.

    Trust me, as someone who’s un-worthy of so much as a second date, you’re ‘doin okay. 🙂

  6. Oh, HELL to the no. Hon, you know it’s not you! It’s just a matter of finding the right person… and you WILL. xoxo

  7. Agree with what Lilu said. I’m sure you’re lovable, everybody is. And the more you freak yourself out, the harder it is for other people to show you they actually love you. As for the ex, he’s just not for you, girlie.

  8. Walking on Sunshine

    You are not unloveable, you just haven’t met the right guy and when you do it’ll be the best feeling in the world (or at least that’s what everyone tells me)!

  9. I doubt you’re unlovable, but I can relate to how you’re feeling. My ex was so slow about everything with me — even asking me to be his girlfriend. He would’ve NEVER told me he was in love with me…I truly believe that. He says otherwise, but his actions made me feel unlovable. I always felt like he was ashamed of me…I’m black and he’s white…and the fact that he’d never take me out in public or introduce me to his friends was hard for me. Finally, I ended it. Now I see him on Facebook and it looks like he’s a lot happier with his new (white) girlfriend. He never posted pictures of us up, but he does with her. So at first, that definitely hurt.

    But thankfully, I have a boyfriend who tells me everyday that he loves me. And although my ex told me how much he liked me, my boyfriend not only tells me, but he shows me. I hope you experience that kind of confident love soon…maybe even with this new guy in your life. Don’t lose heart. You are, indeed, lovable.

  10. By the way, my boyfriend is white. No shame here!

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