The last few days I have been struggling to come to terms with something… the notion that The Ex is in love with his new g/f. I mean, we were on and off for two years and it was always, I really like you or I really care about you. Never the L bomb. At least not on his end. And not that I ever vocalized either.
But now here he is, a mere two or three months in with a new girl and they are “in love”. And I see him doing all those things that he refused to do for me. All the commitment he could never give to me. He’s IN IT with her, you know. As opposed to always having one foot out the door with me.
But I knew what was bothering me was bigger than that. It wasn’t just about him, I knew it went deeper than that. On the way home from my boyfriend’s tonight I was thinking of how I’ve been slightly more on edge with him than usual, almost looking for reasons to get mad. Looking at it know, its actually quite characteristic of myself when I’m feeling insecure – that’s when it hit me.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks… the bigger picture, the real thought taunting me:
I’m afraid I’m un-lovable.
The Ex couldn’t love me and I realized that although I know my boyfriend really LIKES me, I’m scared he’ll never be able to love me either. And I drove home feeling broken. Sometimes I think I’ve grown so much, like I have it all together but in that moment I felt small and lost… and really sad. Sad because I guess I still don’t believe that I’m deserving of love. Sad because can I really be in a healthy relationship with such an unhealthy line of thinking? I don’t know. Maybe this is just temporary. All I know is I needed to get this out and that’s as far as my analyzing has gone as of 1am this morning.