I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words. 🙂 I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that. Your words mean a lot to me! But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180.
But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would. In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities. I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over – full force. I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together.
I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.”
It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us. I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me? But where would that get me? A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.
So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer? It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time) It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now. I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable. Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible. Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped. I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me. But that was not the case and you know? Its okay. Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides. So he moved onto someone else and so did I. It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.
The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying. I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down. And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough. That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough. But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore. And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.
So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down? Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace. Good luck. 🙂