Category Archives: Honest to blog

Just Breathe…

Sometimes, I have to remind myself of this simple fact.  Sometimes, I let the little stresses of life consume me.  I feel my chest get tight and realize I am in fact barely breathing. 

I had the interview days at one of my top choices for grad school on Thursday and Friday of last week.  It went pretty well, I think.  I’m not the best at interviewing but I don’t think I completely bombed it.  I know I should feel relieved that the hard part is over.  And I do.  However, I also can’t kick the anxiety of analyzing everything I said and didn’t say during my SEVEN interviews over two days.   I should find out by the end of the week if I will be offered an internship/formal invitation to join the program so on the up side, at least I don’t have to torture myself for too much longer.

However, it has been frustrating me that I have been having such a hard time unwinding from the stress of the interview days.  I should feel satisfied that I accomplished what I set out to do – which was to try my very best.  I did that, and to be honest, I even surprised myself a little.  After the first interview, my nerves calmed down and the rest of the day seemed so much easier.  I guess the reason I feel like I’m bad at interviewing is that I get myself too worked up and then I can’t think straight.

Anyways, I guess I just felt like I couldn’t shut my mind off, even during my relaxing weekend.  All I could think about were the two days of interviews and learning about the program.  Obsessing.  I was definitely obsessing – and I wasn’t happy about it.  I just can’t seem to fully kick that annoying hint of anxiety and nervousness. 

I just keep trying to remind myself that it’s out of my hands.  I’ve done my part, I tried my hardest and now all I can do is hope for the best.  If I’m meant to go to this school it will work out.  If I don’t get in, it will be okay too.  And I just need to find peace in the fact that I went for it and did the best I could.

Inhale.  Exhale.

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy, Over Analyzing, The Quarter Life Crisis

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

For me, 2009 was a year of self reflection, taking chances, opening myself up and letting go.

It turned out to be a pretty big year, but in a quiet way, maybe that’s why I didn’t realize it while I was going through it.  Nothing huge and dramatic really happened but somehow through new friends, a lot of self reflection and decisions, things are changing – I’m changing, life is changing, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time.  But don’t you think that is when the best things happen?  That exciting and scary feeling?  I think it’s a good sign.

I started off the year at a hotel party with a group of my best friends dancing my little heart out.  I didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight but I was really okay with that.  Actually, I was more than okay with it because the year before I had The Ex to kiss at midnight and THAT night went on to be my worst NYE thus far in life (thanks to a giant fight w/ him, the jerkface!).  So I learned, having someone to kiss at midnight does not a great New Years Eve make.   But back to last year’s New Year’s Eve, right after the ball dropped “Walking on Sunshine” came on, which just so happens to be my theme song at work.  I couldn’t help but think that it might be a sign from The Universe that this year might just be awesome.

And looking back?  Well, it kind of was.  Of course, there was hard stuff…. there’s ALWAYS going to be hard stuff.  But there was lots & lots of really good stuff too and that’s really the stuff I remember the most.  I went on two awesome vacations with my best friends and had countless fun nights out.  I tried snowboarding for the first time and finally took some jewelry making classes!  But this year was less about what I did and more about what I learned.

The beginning of this year was filled with some…. interesting dating experiences, to say the least (you know, like the guy who whipped it out, Work Spouse, Meantime Man & of course, the last of The Ex) and as awkward/upsetting/ UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE as some of those experiences were, I still wouldn’t take them back.  Because I learned from each bad date, from each disappointment, from each dating disaster and I filed away new information about what I do and DON’T want out of a relationship and a boyfriend.  Plus, let’s be honest – it made for some good blog fodder. 😉

But something that defined this year the most for me happened in the summer.  I reconnected with an old friend from high school, who I spent hours and hours getting to know again through conversations online.  He’s a deep, intellectual and introspective person and somehow through our conversations, I got to thinking a lot about my own life, my own thoughts and opinions, dreams and goals.  I started questioning things and ideas and beliefs I had my whole life and began to wonder if I’d been going through life with too many of my Mom’s opinions shaping the way I was living.  So, I vowed to make changes and to live life on my own terms.  I realized that if I kept living my life through my Mom’s eyes I would never be happy.  So, I made a big decision to apply to grad schools and to take a RISK!  Something I really feel like I haven’t done enough of in my life, mostly because my Mom tends to stress taking the safe route.  But I’m going after what I want and need to do right now.  I’m going after a new career path, one I feel passionate about and I’m giving it a try.  It is a risk – I know this but one that I feel is worth taking.

And then amidst all this decision making, self reflecting, growing and embracing who I am, something even more amazing happened.  I found myself talking to this sweet boy on OK Cupid and although I was pretty over the whole online dating thing, I felt like I should meet up with him.  At this point, my expectations were low and dating had really taken a back burner to the bigger ideas I had swirling around my head.  But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made because four months later, I sometimes forget what my life was like without him.  And I don’t mean that in a bad, my relationship is my whole life kind of way… more like, he fits into my world so perfectly and he fills in these little gaps I didn’t even know existed and just makes my life that much sweeter.  He is not my everything or my only happiness BUT he is who I get to share my life, my happiness WITH – which is what I think I’ve been looking for all along.

I have a feeling that I will always look back on 2009 very fondly.  Something about the little moments, the little revelations, the little ideas, that ended up having a big impact on me. 

Love & best wishes to you all in 2010.

xoxo

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Filed under Here Comes the Sap, Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Reminiscing, The Good Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, Warm Fuzzy Feelings

Because I need to get this off my chest…

You know that scene in Elf, the one where he is all “I’m in love, I’m in LOVE! and I don’t care who knows it!”

That’s kind of how I feel on the inside – because I’m waiting for my boyfriend to say it first and now, it’s slowly starting to drive me crazy, heh.  I’m being patient, these things can’t be rushed but I’m starting to feel like if I don’t say it soon, I’ll just explode!

So, instead I’ll just tell you people. 🙂

(le love)

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Filed under Honest to blog, Relationships, The Good Stuff, Warm Fuzzy Feelings

Because I Think This Should Be Documented

Saturday night found me at my best friend’s engagement party.  I was there with my boyfriend.  The Ex was there with his 33 yr old woman friend. 

And I was okay.

Nope, I was great.

In fact, I found myself to be so deliriously happy with my boyfriend that I could not and would not let The Ex bring me down in the least.

And that my friends, is pretty fucking fantastic.

Because I didn’t know if I ever would get here.

And yet, here I am.

The End.

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Filed under Honest to blog, Relationships, The Ex

A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.  🙂  I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over – full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck. 🙂

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Over Analyzing, Past loves, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

Late Night Revelation

The last few days I have been struggling to come to terms with something…  the notion that The Ex is in love with his new g/f. I mean, we were on and off for two years and it was always, I really like you or I really care about you. Never the L bomb. At least not on his end. And not that I ever vocalized either.

But now here he is, a mere two or three months in with a new girl and they are “in love”. And I see him doing all those things that he refused to do for me. All the commitment he could never give to me. He’s IN IT with her, you know.  As opposed to always having one foot out the door with me.

But I knew what was bothering me was bigger than that. It wasn’t just about him, I knew it went deeper than that. On the way home from my boyfriend’s tonight I was thinking of how I’ve been slightly more on edge with him than usual, almost looking for reasons to get mad.  Looking at it know, its actually quite characteristic of myself when I’m feeling insecure – that’s when it hit me.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks… the bigger picture, the real thought taunting me:

I’m afraid I’m un-lovable.

The Ex couldn’t love me and I realized that although I know my boyfriend really LIKES me, I’m scared he’ll never be able to love me either.  And I drove home feeling broken.  Sometimes I think I’ve grown so much, like I have it all together but in that moment I felt small and lost… and really sad.  Sad because I guess I still don’t believe that I’m deserving of love.  Sad because can I really be in a healthy relationship with such an unhealthy line of thinking?  I don’t know.  Maybe this is just temporary.  All I know is I needed to get this out and that’s as far as my analyzing has gone as of 1am this morning.

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Filed under Honest to blog, Love, Relationships

But What About Your Boyfriend?

It seems that, without fail, when I start talking to someone about how I’m applying to grad school, the conversation always end up turning in this direction:

Them: So where are you thinking of going?

Me: Well, (university nearby) is the only school I would be able to commute to, unfortunately, the others are all at least an hour and a half away.  The farthest is 4 hrs.  So it really depends where I get in.

Them: Ohhhhh but what about your boyfriend?

To which, I normally respond, what ABOUT my boyfriend?  No, I don’t want to leave him.  In fact, I have moments where I think about going away and get scared if we are still together this could fuck everything up.  But what exactly am I suppose to do?  I NEED to go to the school that a) accepts me and b) will give me an assistantship that covers my tuition.  If it’s the school nearby, then great! I would be happy to go there.  And if it’s not, well… we will just have to make it work.

Because I have to do what I have to do.  And we only have barely 2 months under our belt, what if we aren’t even together in a year?  There’s a lot that could happen and while I truly hope things continue to be great, who knows.  I just don’t see why I should be expected to plan my future around my relationship.  Well, at least not in this case.  I only have one option nearby.  And I don’t think I should limit myself to that one program.  If the roles were reversed, while I would HATE for him to leave me to go to grad school, I would understand if he had to and I would support him.

I don’t really like to dwell on this aspect of it because I don’t know whats going to happen with the whole application process.  I don’t know where I”ll be accepted.  So why start worrying now about long distance and such when I could very well end up going to the university nearby?  But people seem to keep making me think about it… even make me feel guilty – like how in the world could I even consider moving a couple hours away, to go after the career I want.  And I just don’t get it.  Its not like I’m trying to leave him for no reason.

And while I know my boyfriend would love for me to go to the school as close to him as possible, he also reinforces that I need to do what I need to do.   That I need to find the program that’s right for me.  He is completely supportive, even if the idea of being hours away isn’t quite appealing to him.  Which I know it isn’t, but he does not give me a guilt trip for.  However, other people are doing a good job.

All this even made me have a dream the other day that he was secretly mad at me for thinking about leaving.  Maybe I do feel guilty, but this plan was in motion before I met him, and I just can’t rationalize changing this particular plan for a guy, even if I am crazy about him. 

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Filed under Honest to blog, New Beginnings, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis