Category Archives: Love

Friday Smiles!

I GOT IN!!  I got into the grad program I wanted AND got the internship I was crossing my fingers & toes for!  I just found out. 🙂  I’m so happy! 

Also?  I’m going to see my girl Tay Tay in concert tonight in Philly!

Also?  I’m going snowboarding tomorrow!

Also? I got my nails did yesterday and I love them.

Also? I love you &  I’m too excited to write any more!

Happy Friday, blog tarts!!!! 

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Filed under Love, Warm Fuzzy Feelings

Late Night Revelation

The last few days I have been struggling to come to terms with something…  the notion that The Ex is in love with his new g/f. I mean, we were on and off for two years and it was always, I really like you or I really care about you. Never the L bomb. At least not on his end. And not that I ever vocalized either.

But now here he is, a mere two or three months in with a new girl and they are “in love”. And I see him doing all those things that he refused to do for me. All the commitment he could never give to me. He’s IN IT with her, you know.  As opposed to always having one foot out the door with me.

But I knew what was bothering me was bigger than that. It wasn’t just about him, I knew it went deeper than that. On the way home from my boyfriend’s tonight I was thinking of how I’ve been slightly more on edge with him than usual, almost looking for reasons to get mad.  Looking at it know, its actually quite characteristic of myself when I’m feeling insecure – that’s when it hit me.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks… the bigger picture, the real thought taunting me:

I’m afraid I’m un-lovable.

The Ex couldn’t love me and I realized that although I know my boyfriend really LIKES me, I’m scared he’ll never be able to love me either.  And I drove home feeling broken.  Sometimes I think I’ve grown so much, like I have it all together but in that moment I felt small and lost… and really sad.  Sad because I guess I still don’t believe that I’m deserving of love.  Sad because can I really be in a healthy relationship with such an unhealthy line of thinking?  I don’t know.  Maybe this is just temporary.  All I know is I needed to get this out and that’s as far as my analyzing has gone as of 1am this morning.

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Filed under Honest to blog, Love, Relationships

Some Odds & Ends

Loveys, I have been exhuasted lately.  I can’t even form any full thoughts today so instead I’m just sharing a few odds & ends.  First, an interesting arcticle I read the other day:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/29/o.finding.lasting.love/index.html

I liked the idea behind this article.  That we should look for “relationships of shared virtue” or those people who bring out the very best in us.  Lately, I have been thinking about how The Ex brought out this nasty, crazy girl in me I didn’t like.  In contrast, The Boy makes me actually want to be a better person and at the same time, also makes me love the person I already am.  I think that right there puts a lot in perspective.

Next, a quote I read on this lovely lady’s blog:

If the picture doesn’t load, the quote is “Be with someone who knows what they have, when they have you.” Le love.

Lastly, a couple things that are making me all sorts of happy these Fall days:

Sam Adam’s Octoberfest & the fact that it’s getting cold enough out to wear my Uggs! 🙂

Do you have any odds or ends to share?!

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Filed under Blogs I Heart, Love, Random Thoughts, Relationships, Warm Fuzzy Feelings

Sexiversary…

This morning I could only remember little bits and pieces of that day. My defense mechanism during break ups is to push the happy times out of my head. So today when I thought back to my favorite date of ours from one year ago, I really had to pull it out of the vault where I’d stored it away for safe keeping. But once I cracked it open just a little, the flood gates opened and it poured out…

*     *     *     *     *

When he first told me that I was all his Dec 8th-9th and that what we were doing was a surprise, I didn’t really know what to expect.

“I like surprises,” I told him.

But I liked being a little detective even more. Eventually, he gave me one hint…

“It will put us in the Christmas spirit… I didn’t know what we should do at first but when I found this, I kind of thought it was perfect…”

I had told him a few days before that I was so excited for Christmas and he had listened. Eventually, he ended up giving me the time “it” started. So like a good little detective, I Googled everything and anything I could think of until I found it – A Christmas Carol.

“Perfect, indeed” I thought to myself.

*     *     *     *     *

I got into the car the day of our date, and we took off…

“Don’t you want to know where we are going?”

“Oh, yes! Where?!”

He pulls out the tickets and I am right, we are going to the play. I squeal like a girl and tell him how excited I am.

“See, you can too plan dates… this is just perfect. Thank you!”

I never did tell him that I figured it out beforehand.

The show was amazing and the town was even better. White lights decorated the streets and filled the air with Christmas spirit. We found a nice little Italian restaurant to have lunch in, complete with a bottle of wine. We held hands across the table and I remember being deliriously happy. I remember thinking – I’ve never, ever felt so much like myself with another guy.

*     *     *     *     *

As we drove to the hotel, he made a silly joke and I let out a laugh straight from the soul. He grabbed my hand and said,

“You know… I think you get my sense of humor more than anyone I’ve ever known…”

And he isn’t the type of guy to just say things like that so it really hit me straight in the heart. I didn’t say anything, just smiled.

When we started getting close to the hotel, I got quiet and my bouncing, jittery leg gave away my nervousness without me realizing it.

He looked over at me and laughed,

“Sweetie, relax, we’re just going to a hotel to spend the night (ed note: this part of the date was not a surprise he sprung on me.. we talked about this beforehand) .. don’t be nervous… It doesn’t mean anything has to happen.”

But I was a little nervous… and a little excited.  I  don’t know exactly what point that day I decided for sure I wanted to have sex with him but I knew it by that point.  But I was nervous… I mean you hold onto something tight for 22 years and of course it’s scary to let go.  But I couldn’t deny how I felt about him and what was I waiting for anyways?

*     *     *     *     *

The seven months of dating leading up to this point had been tumultuous and equally full of fights and laughs.  I think I liked that he could push my buttons, and I could push his.  I guess I always knew I’d end up hurt, but I just didn’t care.  There were many nights to come that I would question my choice to sleep with him but now, a year later, I can say for sure I don’t regret it.  Because I got those butterflies again just by writing this entry.  And I cared about him… well, I still do care about him very deeply.  Even after everything we’ve been through.  In a perfect world, I wanted to be in love my first time… but I feel like it ended up happening exactly how it was meant to and that feels good.

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Filed under Dating Stories, Let's talk about sex baybee, Love, Reminiscing, The Ex, This is my life

On Love.

I love dusk, when the sky turns different shades of beautiful.  I love summer nights and looking at the stars.  I love a hot cup of coffee shared with my girlfriends and good conversation.  I love being in the arms of a man who makes me feel safe.  I love lazy days spent indoors watching a movie.  I love being snowed in with good company.  I love a margarita on the rocks with mexican food.  I love laughing until my stomache hurts and there are tears in my eyes.  I love that I find happiness in the little things in life. 

*     *     *     *     *

I love a lot of things, but ask me if I’ve ever been in love and that’s a different story.  When I was fifteen, my boyfriend of 1 month told me he loved me and I would answer with a “love ya too.”  I knew I wasn’t in love with him.  My boyfriend at 17 told me he loved me and I thought I loved him too.  I thought I loved him because I stayed with him through so many lies and betrayals but that wasn’t love, I tell myself in hindsight, it was insecurity.  When I was 21, I fell in like with my best guy friend.  I fell so hard but I didn’t fall in love, I tell myself.  That takes two people, doesn’t it?   And at 22, I met The Ex.  We never said I love you.  Our relationship was complicated and still I feel like I can’t admit I was in love with him.  I think I may have been, I think he may just be my first love but I can’t say it.  It’s funny how easily I can say I love other things.

*     *     *     *     *

I can say I love sand between my toes and the smell of salt water.  I love long soft kisses and a man’s hands playing with my hair.  I love my family and our craziness.  I love playing in the snow.  I love the sound of laughter and children giggling.  I love learning new things and finding new hobbies.  I love staying in my pajama’s all day on a Sunday.

*     *     *     *     *

Maybe I can say I love him, maybe I was in love with him but maybe, just maybe, I love the thought of a greater love even more.

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Filed under Love, My Crazy, Relationships, The Ex, This is my life