Category Archives: My Crazy Thoughts

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

For me, 2009 was a year of self reflection, taking chances, opening myself up and letting go.

It turned out to be a pretty big year, but in a quiet way, maybe that’s why I didn’t realize it while I was going through it.  Nothing huge and dramatic really happened but somehow through new friends, a lot of self reflection and decisions, things are changing – I’m changing, life is changing, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time.  But don’t you think that is when the best things happen?  That exciting and scary feeling?  I think it’s a good sign.

I started off the year at a hotel party with a group of my best friends dancing my little heart out.  I didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight but I was really okay with that.  Actually, I was more than okay with it because the year before I had The Ex to kiss at midnight and THAT night went on to be my worst NYE thus far in life (thanks to a giant fight w/ him, the jerkface!).  So I learned, having someone to kiss at midnight does not a great New Years Eve make.   But back to last year’s New Year’s Eve, right after the ball dropped “Walking on Sunshine” came on, which just so happens to be my theme song at work.  I couldn’t help but think that it might be a sign from The Universe that this year might just be awesome.

And looking back?  Well, it kind of was.  Of course, there was hard stuff…. there’s ALWAYS going to be hard stuff.  But there was lots & lots of really good stuff too and that’s really the stuff I remember the most.  I went on two awesome vacations with my best friends and had countless fun nights out.  I tried snowboarding for the first time and finally took some jewelry making classes!  But this year was less about what I did and more about what I learned.

The beginning of this year was filled with some…. interesting dating experiences, to say the least (you know, like the guy who whipped it out, Work Spouse, Meantime Man & of course, the last of The Ex) and as awkward/upsetting/ UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE as some of those experiences were, I still wouldn’t take them back.  Because I learned from each bad date, from each disappointment, from each dating disaster and I filed away new information about what I do and DON’T want out of a relationship and a boyfriend.  Plus, let’s be honest – it made for some good blog fodder. 😉

But something that defined this year the most for me happened in the summer.  I reconnected with an old friend from high school, who I spent hours and hours getting to know again through conversations online.  He’s a deep, intellectual and introspective person and somehow through our conversations, I got to thinking a lot about my own life, my own thoughts and opinions, dreams and goals.  I started questioning things and ideas and beliefs I had my whole life and began to wonder if I’d been going through life with too many of my Mom’s opinions shaping the way I was living.  So, I vowed to make changes and to live life on my own terms.  I realized that if I kept living my life through my Mom’s eyes I would never be happy.  So, I made a big decision to apply to grad schools and to take a RISK!  Something I really feel like I haven’t done enough of in my life, mostly because my Mom tends to stress taking the safe route.  But I’m going after what I want and need to do right now.  I’m going after a new career path, one I feel passionate about and I’m giving it a try.  It is a risk – I know this but one that I feel is worth taking.

And then amidst all this decision making, self reflecting, growing and embracing who I am, something even more amazing happened.  I found myself talking to this sweet boy on OK Cupid and although I was pretty over the whole online dating thing, I felt like I should meet up with him.  At this point, my expectations were low and dating had really taken a back burner to the bigger ideas I had swirling around my head.  But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made because four months later, I sometimes forget what my life was like without him.  And I don’t mean that in a bad, my relationship is my whole life kind of way… more like, he fits into my world so perfectly and he fills in these little gaps I didn’t even know existed and just makes my life that much sweeter.  He is not my everything or my only happiness BUT he is who I get to share my life, my happiness WITH – which is what I think I’ve been looking for all along.

I have a feeling that I will always look back on 2009 very fondly.  Something about the little moments, the little revelations, the little ideas, that ended up having a big impact on me. 

Love & best wishes to you all in 2010.

xoxo

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Filed under Here Comes the Sap, Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Reminiscing, The Good Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, Warm Fuzzy Feelings

A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.  🙂  I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over – full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck. 🙂

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Over Analyzing, Past loves, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

Why?

Why does my heart still want someone who is completely wrong for me?  Someone who does not treat me how I deserve?

Why does my heart still think he will change?  Why does it think he can change and be the type of man I want to be with?  

Why does my heart always seem to win in a battle versus my head?

Why is it still hard to ignore his text messages?

Why does my stomache turn to knots when I think about him with another girl?  Why do I still feel sucker punched when I see a girl flirting with him through facebook?

Why can’t I cut him out of my life? 

Why do we have to have mutual friends? 

Why does he need to be at every happy event surrounding my best friend’s wedding in the next two years?

Why can’t the last bit of me thats holding on, finally let go?

Why can’t this story be over?

Why can’t the lingering stop?

Why can’t I just be stronger?

Why?

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Filed under Boys are Dumb, Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Relationships, The Ex

My Quarter Life Crisis is a Nagging Biatch

Lately, I’ve been consumed with thoughts of change.  It all started innocently enough.  Passing thoughts of changing my appereance or learning something new.

Dye your hair strawberry blonde. Get a tattoo. Pierce something.

It’s not unusual for me to think about change but lately the thoughts have been growing louder and more persistant. 

Start running.  Learn to make jewelry.
Figure out what you want to do with your life.

And I can’t seem to drown them out as hard as I try.

Take a big risk. Pack up your life and move across country.  Do something that scares you.  Just take a risk.

It’s not that these thoughts are bad to think about.  But when they start screaming all at once, my chest gets tight and its hard to breathe.

Go back to school.  Get a new job.  Leave this one you don’t even like.  What exactly are you doing?

I guess life has been pretty stagnant for awhile.  I’m sort of stuck in a bubble of safety living at home, hanging out with my best friends from high school, all still living here in my hometown.  Not having to really step outside my comfort zone for two years now.  Just moving along.. going with the flow… standing still when I should be moving forward.

How about you start dating again?  Take a chance with that. 

Or maybe, move away even if everyone else is staying. 

Update your resume.  Send it out.  Look in all different places.  You’ll never leave without a reason.

And these thoughts, they just don’t stop.  I can’t make them stop.

Hi, this is your quarter life crisis talking and I’m here to stay.

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Filed under My Crazy Thoughts, Random Thoughts, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

Tidbit Tuesday

Another Tuesday is upon us and you know what that means.. you get a few new tidbits about moi! 

  • I once taught myself to juggle using clementines just because I was bored.  I think I was a freshman in high school and I was grounded for bad grades.  I was bored after school with nothing to do so I grabbed three clementines and decided I was going to learn to juggle.  I practiced a couple hours and I eventually got the hang of it and I can still do it today.  Booyah.
  • I believe in a little thing I like to call “clothes kharma.”  I have a shirt that brings me good luck with guys everytime I wear it and I actually don’t even think its that great of a shirt!  But everytime I’d go out in it I’d meet a nice guy or find a cute makeout partner for the evening.   Now, that I think about it, I should wear that shirt sometime soon. 
  • I have a dress I only wore once and will never wear again because it’s what I was wearing when The Ex and I broke up.  Normally, I like to give an article of clothing the whole “three strikes your out” rule but not with this one.
  • I can’t walk by a penny (heads up) and not pick it up.  The rhyme ALWAYS pops in my head, “find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck.”  I don’t even find it to be true but I just never want to tempt the fates.
  • I’m superstitious.  Oh wait, you mean you knew that already?

Happy Tuesday lova’s 🙂

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Filed under About Me, All Things Listy, My Crazy Thoughts, Random Thoughts, Tidbit Tuesday

If You Never Try, You’ll Never Know Just What You’re Worth

So, I haven’t written in over a month.  You see, it’s not that I didnt’ have anything to write about.  I have many stories to tell from the summer; shoes were thrown, white water was conquered, boys were kissed.  Lots of thoughts to share, both silly and serious.  Plenty of topics I’ve obsessed over, yet I never wrote.  And yesterday, while I sat at my cube at work reading Hope Dies Last, I started thinking about what has kept me from writing.  And I realized exactly what it was…

I fear I can’t measure up to my favorite bloggers and the way they engage me in their stories and the way they can articulate their thoughts.  It’s funny that I’m insecure even though I only have two readers. (yea, I’m talking about you Nat and Monkey Girl.. thanks for reading!)

So I thought about it some more.  This is one of my major weaknesses – low self esteem/ insecurity.  I started thinking about how much this stops me from doing.  I want to write a book one day.  I have always had that dream since I was a little girl reading Nancy Drew and The Babysitter Club books.  I wanted to be an author.  And now, I feel like I could write a book but I don’t think it will be creative enough, or funny enough, or original enough.

My insecurity stops me from going after what I want.  I’m not too forward with guys because I’m scared to feel rejected.  I delay going back to school to become a counselor because I’m scared I will not be good at it.  I’m shy when I meet people because I’m scared they will not like me.

Then I realized that I will never get better at writing if I don’t start.  I will never get better at dating if I keep myself closed off because I’m scared of being rejected.  I will never get better at anything if I’m too scared of failing.  So it’s time to wake up and start writing, start dating, start living and stop being so damn insecure.

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Filed under About Blogging, Blogs I Heart, My Crazy Thoughts