Category Archives: My Crazy

Just Breathe…

Sometimes, I have to remind myself of this simple fact.  Sometimes, I let the little stresses of life consume me.  I feel my chest get tight and realize I am in fact barely breathing. 

I had the interview days at one of my top choices for grad school on Thursday and Friday of last week.  It went pretty well, I think.  I’m not the best at interviewing but I don’t think I completely bombed it.  I know I should feel relieved that the hard part is over.  And I do.  However, I also can’t kick the anxiety of analyzing everything I said and didn’t say during my SEVEN interviews over two days.   I should find out by the end of the week if I will be offered an internship/formal invitation to join the program so on the up side, at least I don’t have to torture myself for too much longer.

However, it has been frustrating me that I have been having such a hard time unwinding from the stress of the interview days.  I should feel satisfied that I accomplished what I set out to do – which was to try my very best.  I did that, and to be honest, I even surprised myself a little.  After the first interview, my nerves calmed down and the rest of the day seemed so much easier.  I guess the reason I feel like I’m bad at interviewing is that I get myself too worked up and then I can’t think straight.

Anyways, I guess I just felt like I couldn’t shut my mind off, even during my relaxing weekend.  All I could think about were the two days of interviews and learning about the program.  Obsessing.  I was definitely obsessing – and I wasn’t happy about it.  I just can’t seem to fully kick that annoying hint of anxiety and nervousness. 

I just keep trying to remind myself that it’s out of my hands.  I’ve done my part, I tried my hardest and now all I can do is hope for the best.  If I’m meant to go to this school it will work out.  If I don’t get in, it will be okay too.  And I just need to find peace in the fact that I went for it and did the best I could.

Inhale.  Exhale.

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy, Over Analyzing, The Quarter Life Crisis

Please Hold, While I Have a Fucking Moment

God, Facebook is the Devil sometimes.

I hate it.

Hate, hate, hate it.

I was having a really good day.  I was ready to come on here tonight and tell you guys how date #3 went really well.  In fact, at the end of the night, I didn’t even want to leave.  I was perfectly content all wrapped up in his arms.

Then tonight, I went on Facebook and decided to torture myself by looking at The Ex’s page (I have him hidden from my newsfeed which really does nothing except cause me to actually go to his profile in order to stalk him out, which I do practically every day, sad I know).  It had been a couple days though but lately there’s been this girl.  This girl leaving comments on every status update… inside jokes and comments that led me to believe they were dating.

Tonight, I have decided it’s definite.  And I hate that I care.  We’ve been over for a long time… well, we did have another fling in May which maybe is why I still care.  But either way, I KNOW deep down he is NOT the guy for me.  I gave so much to someone who gave so little.  He does not deserve me, even he would try to convince me of this.

But back to the moment I had, after I saw the comments, I felt sucker punched.  I got nauseous and shaky.  I closed the window and tried to compose myself by thinking of all his flaws and the mean things he’s said and done to me.  Somehow my attention shifted to the New Boy.  And all of the sudden I was all Negative Nancy about it.  All FORGET IT! I’m better off alone, without ANYONE!! Fuck guys!! Being all super dramatic in my head.  Cursing all guys ever born.

I’ve calmed down now… I’m feeling slightly better.  I know that he can’t make me happy but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.  Knowing maybe he could be the guy I imagined he was for some other girl.  But the truth is, he will probably treat her the same shitty way.  Only thinking of himself, only doing the things that benefit him, calling all the shots.  I don’t want that.  I don’t and I know it.

But still, if I need to actually see this in the near future at a party, well, I’m just not ready for that yet.

P.S. I have the best bloggy buds ever, thanks so much for the feedback on the last post!  🙂

8 Comments

Filed under Boys are Dumb, Dating Stories, Honest to blog, My Crazy, The Ex is a douchebag.. the end, When the CraZy takes over

LOST, LOST, LOST… Oh and an Update on WorkSpouse

I think it’s a bullet post kind of day… partially because I’m posting from work and partially because my head is filled with so many thoughts of LOST I can barely function. 🙂

  • Right now, I can hardly contain my excitement for the LOST finale tonight.  I really think it’s going to be amazing.  From what I’ve been hearing from interviews with the producers and castmates, there are two big shockers at the end and one will leave us wondering how the show will even go on! 
  • Also, any guesses for who the major death is going to be?  It’s supposedly going to be as sad as when Charlie died.  I don’t know if I’m prepared for this.  Last week, I kept having a nagging feeling that it would be Sawyer but I really don’t think they would do that with the whole love triangle going on.  Perhaps, Jin or Sun?  That would be so sad.  I guess we’ll see.  Make sure you have the Kleenex handy!
  • I have a mini work event in the middle of the day today which is also bringing me happiness.  I get a 90 min break plus free food.  Saweet.
  • The day after I wrote the post about WorkSpouse I decided to ask him what was going on with the crazy girl he is seeing.  WELL, they are basically in a relationship… apparently, he made her break up with her boyfriend a couple states away.  I don’t know if I was just emotional from rehashing the whole thing on here or if it’s because my Girl Time is coming but I lost it.  I was mad and upset and I basically told him that we are not friends anymore.  My exact words were: “I just can’t look at you the same anymore.  You treated me like every other jerk I talk to and thats not okay.  I want to still be good friends but we aren’t… and I blame you for that.”  I felt lied to and mistreated and I don’t want to be friends.  Maybe that is immature but I was a really great friend to him and I feel like he does not deserve my friendship anymore. 
  • To end this on a happier note, because I really am in a great mood despite the stupid boy drama, this weekend my seester graduates college!  I’ll be out of town for a few days and probably won’t be posting.  I get to see some of my family I don’t see often and I’m super excited.  I’m so proud of my sis and can’t wait until she uses her new degree in dental hygiene to benefit me with some free teeth whitening. 🙂

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Filed under All Things Listy, Boys are Dumb, Cubicle Life, Life as a Couch Potato, My Crazy, single life

Warning! Handle with Care

Nora at Walking Through the Rain  did an interview with me that you can find here!  Thanks for featuring me girl! 🙂

One of my favorite posts I read today was from the lovely Miss Musing, who wrote about wishing that people came with warning labels. Her post really got me thinking about the guys I’ve dated and the heartbreak I might have saved myself if I got a look at the warning label first. But then I realized that The Ex really did wear his warning label – WARNING! CANNOT COMMIT!… he told me, he wore it, I just ignored it. It’s like reading that your favorite sweater is dry clean only and then throwing it in the dryer. Or in other words, it’s stupid and you only have yourself to blame for a shrunken sweater.

So what exactly would my warning label read?

WARNING!
Handle with Care
May exhibit jealous tendencies, always running just a few minutes late, a tad on the messy side, may shut down when feeling attacked, may sometimes let The Crazy take over, requires a generous amount of affection, forgives but doesn’t forget, may care too much or fall too hard, can be overly sensitive and emotional, likes to eat cookies in bed, may explode if provoked enough!

Hmmm… and I don’t have a boyfriend because…? 😉

Happy Friday!

13 Comments

Filed under Blogs I Heart, Boys are Dumb, My Crazy, Random Thoughts, The Ex

On Love.

I love dusk, when the sky turns different shades of beautiful.  I love summer nights and looking at the stars.  I love a hot cup of coffee shared with my girlfriends and good conversation.  I love being in the arms of a man who makes me feel safe.  I love lazy days spent indoors watching a movie.  I love being snowed in with good company.  I love a margarita on the rocks with mexican food.  I love laughing until my stomache hurts and there are tears in my eyes.  I love that I find happiness in the little things in life. 

*     *     *     *     *

I love a lot of things, but ask me if I’ve ever been in love and that’s a different story.  When I was fifteen, my boyfriend of 1 month told me he loved me and I would answer with a “love ya too.”  I knew I wasn’t in love with him.  My boyfriend at 17 told me he loved me and I thought I loved him too.  I thought I loved him because I stayed with him through so many lies and betrayals but that wasn’t love, I tell myself in hindsight, it was insecurity.  When I was 21, I fell in like with my best guy friend.  I fell so hard but I didn’t fall in love, I tell myself.  That takes two people, doesn’t it?   And at 22, I met The Ex.  We never said I love you.  Our relationship was complicated and still I feel like I can’t admit I was in love with him.  I think I may have been, I think he may just be my first love but I can’t say it.  It’s funny how easily I can say I love other things.

*     *     *     *     *

I can say I love sand between my toes and the smell of salt water.  I love long soft kisses and a man’s hands playing with my hair.  I love my family and our craziness.  I love playing in the snow.  I love the sound of laughter and children giggling.  I love learning new things and finding new hobbies.  I love staying in my pajama’s all day on a Sunday.

*     *     *     *     *

Maybe I can say I love him, maybe I was in love with him but maybe, just maybe, I love the thought of a greater love even more.

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Filed under Love, My Crazy, Relationships, The Ex, This is my life

Tidbits, Take Two!

I enjoyed writing and reading the comments to my first Tidbits post so much that I decided I needed to do another.  So here we go, Tidbits… Take two:

  •  I always make sure to have a glass of ice water next to my bed every single night.  I have been doing this for as long as I can remember.
  • When I was growing up my passion was figure skating.  In fact, I think that skating just might have been my first great love.
  • I have two OCD like car superstitions.  One, do not let me catch you leaving one of my seats down!  My ex boyfriend in high school once told me it was bad luck and ever since I am crazy with it.  Second, going through yellow lights I kiss my hand and touch the ceiling for good luck. (I just read tonight that apparently it is supposed to bring you good sex? lol I must be racking up vouchers for the future or something because I haven’t been getting much lately!) 
  • I want a love like Jim & Pam (okay so they are fictional characters but still, it’s what I want!)
  • I say I want to meet a nice boy but when I look back on my choices, I never seem to give them a chance. 
  • I love cuddling and kissing a lot.  I consider them hobbies.
  • I have a hard time really opening up to people.  Even on here, sometimes I feel like I am holding back…  I want to change that. 
  • Some of my favorite movies include Swingers, When Harry Met Sally, Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • I went through a phase in high school where I was obsessed with Heath Ledger.  For an entire summer I watched 10 Things I Hate About You before I went to bed… every single night… I’m not even exaggerating.

Your turn to share a tidbit or two friends… don’t be shy! 🙂

7 Comments

Filed under All Things Listy, My Crazy, Random Thoughts

The One Where I Throw Shoes and Make Other Equally Bad Decisions

It’s story time bloggy buddies.  Ben put together a fun little contest to share our best hangover stories.  I’m sure most people’s stories include the physical agony but mine is more about the awkwardness that comes when you get drunk and make bad decisions with your coworkers on a Thursday night (aka when you need to see them the very NEXT day). 

Every year, my company hosts a sales conference and one night in particular is a big vendor event that turns into a party afterwards.  It has actually been referred to as the Spring Break of the company (oh and btw most of the employees are people who are straight out of college).  So during the event, we get drink tickets and I happily used mine on some wine.  The thing about wine is it goes directly to my head.  I’m talking after one glass I feel a little buzz already.  So I have a couple glasses of wine and when the event ends at 9pm I’m feeling real good.  But the night is just starting, thats when people move to the bar in the hotel.  Now, there are a couple characters in this story.  At the time, I had been casually seeing my coworker, M.  Then there is Briefcase Boy (he brings in a briefcase everyday with only his lunch in it, so yea that sums him up).  Now BB in the preceding weeks had been dropping hints that he had a crush on me but I wasn’t interested at all.  Lastly there is Work Spouse

So I’m hanging out with my team and work friends at the bar when M buys me a drink (Stoli Vanilla and Ginger Ale).  Then BB buys me another one (hey, who am I to turn down a drink).  The drunker I get, the more I start flirting with M and he asks if I feel like going out to his car for a few minutes…

“Well, I’m having fun with everyone and I’m really not about to go hook up in your car so…”

“Nah, let’s just go cuddle for a few.”

Apparently, it wasn’t very hard to convince me but I made it clear we would only be cuddling (ok maybe kissing too).  So we go to M’s SUV and he puts down the seats.  We lay down and I’m wondering why I even am there since things were pretty much done with M and he really didn’t treat me the best.  Also I was texting The Ex and he was upsetting me and making me hate all boys (including the one laying next to me)  Also, I was flippin drunk at this point.  He noticed I was upset…

“What’s the matter?” He asked.

“Nothing..”

“Who are you texting?  What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing!”

“Just tell me.. I lovee youu (slurred).. come on, tell me.. I looove youu..”

“What? Shut up!”

“What? I lovvveeeee youuuu” more slurration

“Why are you saying that?! No, you don’t!”

We were kinda sorta dating for like a month and a half and he was always very hot and cold with it.  He did not love me, he barely even knew me THAT well.  I want to hear those words but not out of some drunk boys mouth who does not even mean it.  I had to get out of there.

I spring up and say “I’m leaving, where are my shoes?”

I start rummaging through all the junk in his car looking for my flip flops when I come across another girl’s shoes…

“These are.. GIRLS shoes?!”

“Oh yea.. um… yea, those?  Well, those… those are my sisters…”

“Ha, are these your ex fiance’s?  You DO still see her don’t you?  These are not your sisters..”

“Yes, they are, they are my sisters”

“YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR!! Everytime you lie you use the sister excuse… you barely ever see your sisters!! Ugh, just admit they are you ex’s!!!!!”

“What? They are my sisters!”  He was a horrible liar.

“God, you are such a fucking liar!”  Sidenote: I dated a pathological liar and also lived with one in college.  I have a VERY sore spot for lying.

I held the shoe in my hand.  It was a plaid flat with a buckle.  And all the sudden I just chucked it right at him across the car. 

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Find my shoe, I’m leaving..”  I find the match to the fiance’s shoe and decide I need to throw that one too.  I stumble out of the car and go back inside while he drives home furious.

But the night does not end there.  I go back to the bar and now have to deal with BB creepily sneaking up behind me and whispering things such as “Don’t you want to take a chance?” “What!?” “Don’t you want to take a chance on me?” Blank stare .  “What, you only like bad boys?  I can be bad.”  Okay, I’ve got to go. 

So I decide to meet up with WS.  I really don’t know what comes over me but I cannot stop flirting my little butt off with him.  Long story short and bad decision later, we end up making out, something he always said he wouldn’t want to do while we were still working together.  Oops.

Eventually, at 3am or so I find my way back to my friends and our room.  I fill in Cubie on the shoe throwing incident and we go to bed. 

Four extremely short hours later, it was time to get up and get ready for work.  I thought I was going to die.  I was so tired, so nauseous and barely even functioning.  Cubie practically had to rip me out of the bed.  There was no showering, I was lucky I was even keeping my eyes open.  So finally we make it to work and as I’m walking towards the entrance I look over and who is walking towards the entrance at the exact same time? Yea, M.  Shit.  Shit.  What do I do?  I decide I need to assess the damage.

“Hey”

He gives me a half smirk which I had no idea how to read.

“So, uh you still mad at me?”

“Do you really even have to ask?”  Well, this is going to be a fun day. 

I walk inside, head towards my cube and pass WS.  I wave and decide I am going to pretend like nothing happened.  Things were fine until he decides to ask 10 million questions “Do you regret it?  Do you hate me now?  Are we okay?”  Oh boy.

Next, an awkward IM exchange with BB where he apologized for being so drunk and obnoxious.  

I sit at my desk and try to piece together the whole exchange with M.  Most people forget the end of their night but I like to be different and forget the very middle.  I remembered throwing the shoes.  I knew I threw them because I was mad he lied to me but so much was fuzzy.  It was awhile before I remembered the “I love you” part.  I decide to apologize in which he responds by asking me not to speak to him for at least a week.  Ouch, but what do I care, he’s a liar anyway. (P.S. he did eventually admit they were the ex-fiance’s like one week later)

So next year, I’m planning on keeping all shoes in check and NOT making out with any coworkers, not even one. 

Learn from my mistakes and don’t be a jonze.

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Filed under My Crazy, This is my life, Uncategorized, When the CraZy takes over, Why I shouldn't drink