Category Archives: Over Analyzing

Just Breathe…

Sometimes, I have to remind myself of this simple fact.  Sometimes, I let the little stresses of life consume me.  I feel my chest get tight and realize I am in fact barely breathing. 

I had the interview days at one of my top choices for grad school on Thursday and Friday of last week.  It went pretty well, I think.  I’m not the best at interviewing but I don’t think I completely bombed it.  I know I should feel relieved that the hard part is over.  And I do.  However, I also can’t kick the anxiety of analyzing everything I said and didn’t say during my SEVEN interviews over two days.   I should find out by the end of the week if I will be offered an internship/formal invitation to join the program so on the up side, at least I don’t have to torture myself for too much longer.

However, it has been frustrating me that I have been having such a hard time unwinding from the stress of the interview days.  I should feel satisfied that I accomplished what I set out to do – which was to try my very best.  I did that, and to be honest, I even surprised myself a little.  After the first interview, my nerves calmed down and the rest of the day seemed so much easier.  I guess the reason I feel like I’m bad at interviewing is that I get myself too worked up and then I can’t think straight.

Anyways, I guess I just felt like I couldn’t shut my mind off, even during my relaxing weekend.  All I could think about were the two days of interviews and learning about the program.  Obsessing.  I was definitely obsessing – and I wasn’t happy about it.  I just can’t seem to fully kick that annoying hint of anxiety and nervousness. 

I just keep trying to remind myself that it’s out of my hands.  I’ve done my part, I tried my hardest and now all I can do is hope for the best.  If I’m meant to go to this school it will work out.  If I don’t get in, it will be okay too.  And I just need to find peace in the fact that I went for it and did the best I could.

Inhale.  Exhale.

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy, Over Analyzing, The Quarter Life Crisis

A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.  🙂  I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over – full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck. 🙂

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Over Analyzing, Past loves, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

Insanity: Doing the Same Thing Over and Over, Expecting Different Results

“So… I have a confession to make…” I admited to Molly as we sat on her couches, mid Office marathon.  “…I was suppose to hang out with The Ex last night.. but I ended up cancelling.”

“Oh god.. what were you suppose to do?”

“It’s probably gonna make you nauseous but we were suppose to go to the beach, drink wine, yada yada… Remember we had that planned a year ago and never made it?  Well… okay, really, it all started on Saturday night…”  I gave her a quick rundown of Saturday-Monday’s events.

“Oh good girl for cancelling! But what made you change your mind?”

“You know, honestly, I just woke up on Wednesday and thought to myself… I can’t go.  I can’t do this.  Nothing has changed, he hasn’t grown up and we still want different things.  Why am I going to put myself through this again?  I can’t start going backwards.. I can’t go back to how things were.  I didn’t even give him an excuse.  I simply said, ‘I don’t think we should hang out.  I want to but I can’t.’ And I mean… it’s not like we were even going to be hanging out as friends.  Clearly, this was a date.. and he wanted it to be romantic and really, I kept asking myself, ‘What’s the point?'”

“Ah, yes!  I’m so happy you realized that.”

“I mean, it wasn’t easy… I was actually pretty upset about it.  Even though I knew I made the right decision..”

“Yea.. it’s like your a smoker, okay?  And it’s like you went and bought the pack of cigarettes, picked them up, realized they were no good for you and decided to throw them out.  That’s not easy… I’m really proud of you!”

“haha.. I love the analogy Mol..”

“Ya like that right?  But seriously… next time don’t even bother wasting your money buying the pack.”

*     *     *    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     * 

So… there you have it. 

I couldn’t go through with the date.  Something about writing the previous post… Seeing the story staring back at me, made me wake up on Wednesday morning with a slightly clearer head.  I don’t even know where the strength came from but suddenly, I knew that I could not go.  I actually got all teary eyed in my cube when I cancelled.  Becaue I really did want to go… I really did want to see him but I knew I couldn’t.  I knew that in the end I would end up regretting it.  And out of nowhere, to my great surprise, my head ended up winning after all. 

I can tell you exactly how it would have gone if I went.  We would have had a great night.  We would have had so much fun together, making each other laugh, cuddling, kissing and never running out of things to talk about.  I would have had butterflies and put those rose colored glasses back on. I would have been that much more attached again.  I’m sure that this would have probably led to hanging out again… and then again.  I’m sure that before I knew it we’d be dating again but I’m also damn sure, all the same issues would still be there

In high school, I had a school counselor I used to talk to.  He had a poster hung on his wall that read “Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”  I couldn’t help but think of that quote yesterday.  I mean, clearly, I’m acting insane because I keep expecting different results with The Ex even though nothing truly has changed.  I do love being around him but he can’t give me what I want.  He can’t fully commit to me and I really would be settling if I started seeing him again.  I deserve more that that.

Molly always called him my “bad habit” “my addiction.”  In a way, she’s right.  I am addicted to the situation, to the rollercoaster ride of it all.  We’re up and then we’re down.  We’re fighting and the next minute we’re laughing.  One second I’m on cloud nine and the next, I’m crying.  One second I love him, the next I hate him.

But it’s toxic this addiction.. and now I’m trying to kick it, cold turkey.

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Filed under Over Analyzing, Relationships, single life, The Ex

My Obsession with a Sex Addict

I have so much going on in my head today, I don’t even know where to start.

I read an entired blog (Hi, My Name is Steve and I’m a Sex Addict) in a weekend. It was like a good book I couldn’t put down. I was completely hooked on his life. At times, I even forgot it was real. When he started the blog he was 33, having a relationship with a 17 yr old and fucking just about every hot girl he came in contact with. If you cut to today, about 4 years later, he is happily married. I was so mesmerized by his writing, his life, his decisions. His blog really made me think about things- love, relationships, dating, men, life.

It made me realize how much I love reading blogs of annonymous writers. The honesty in their posts, from the details of their sex lives to their inner most thoughts. It’s voyerism, I feel like I’m spying on their life. I get to know the details that you normally don’t hear about. I love it.

But today, after reading his blog and with all the information that I found out from being in this man’s head, I feel confused and sad today. I know it sounds so odd that his blog made me sad and I’ve spent all day trying to figure out what it was that is bothering me. I’m still not sure. Maybe its the fact that he fucked around so much.. he broke so many hearts.. and yes he got his broken a time or two but he ended up happily ever after. It makes me look at the men in my past and how many bruises to the heart they’ve given me. Then I get to see them go off and end up HAPPY. And here I am, bruised, scared to open up but scared to be alone, with no happy ending in sight. It feels unfair. I don’t mean to say that Steve doesn’t DESERVE a happy ending. It just seems so easy for him to fuck around, not get hurt, and then end up happy with mild bruising along the way.

One of the things I thought about most was his more serious relationships and when he fell in love; I began wondering if I will ever find that. I wondered if any guy will ever look at me and think I’m the most beautiful girl they’ve ever see. I wonder if some guy will be able to think they could spend forever with me. I wonder if a guy would actually want to be a better person because of… me.

I found it so interesting how he handled his breakups. He’s a typical man in that he doesn’t dwell on a breakup. He was in love with Lila- his 17 yr old. He cut her out and was onto the next within a WEEK. He never really even dealt with it. She, on the other hand, was devastated. She didn’t understand how he could move on so fast… and he tells her “he’s a guy… it’s what guys do.”

Me- I’m the typical girl. I need to learn from what I’ve been through. I need to learn lessons to heal the pain. I can’t even get into all the things I learned from being with The Ex… I should start a running list.

I know this is just a ton of rambling and jumbled thoughts but thats how it feels in my head. One minute I’m thinking one thing and then the next minute I’ve completely changed gears. Hopefully I will start writing more often and maybe the thoughts will get clearer.

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Filed under Blogs I Heart, Over Analyzing, Relationships, The Ex