Category Archives: Past loves

A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.  🙂  I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over – full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck. 🙂

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Over Analyzing, Past loves, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

Well, She Doesn’t Speak English

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my love life is straight up comically tragic most of the time. Really, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to. Before I get into this story, let’s recap me and The Ex, which is no easy feat. We were together in some way for about a year, it was always changing and always dramatic. The basis of most of our problems was the fact that he felt that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I met him when he was about 2 months out of a three year relationship and he told me from the beginning that he just couldn’t commit. It was never about being faithful but more the other aspects of relationships. But we still tried to make it work although obviously when two people want different things how can it work? We pretty much ended things in April/May but since then he still tells me he cares about me/likes me/would want to be with me but just can’t commit. Things were over but still lingered. Although lately, I’ve been very strong about not talking to him.

So on Saturday night, I’m out with all my friends at a party which The Ex did not attend. I was around all his friends and it made me miss him. I hadn’t talked to him since I ignored his texts so when I got home around 1am, in my tipsy state I decided to text him. Okay, honestly, I also had a weird feeling maybe he was out with a girl and it was bothering me. When I asked what he did that night he tells me he “went out, but not drinking or anything.”

Hmmm… that doesn’t sound like him… out but not drinking?

“Oh… were you on a hot date?”

Insert his expert question avoider skills here but eventually he says,

“Yes, I was out with a girl.”

Cue the waterworks. I knew he wouldn’t take out a girl unless he really liked her.

Then he asks me,

”So why text me tonight?”

“I was just thinking about you… while you were out on your hot date.”

“Little jealous?”

“Are you surprised?”

”No, but I just enjoy it.”

“That’s really mean.. why would you enjoy me being unhappy”

“No not unhappy.. just jealous.. not unhappy.. and it makes me feel wanted.”

“I know you claim to have never felt jealousy before so I’ll let you in on a little secret.. it’s not a happy feeling.”

”Ohhh, you learn something new everyday.”

Cut to the next morning…

“So, do you want this girl to be your girlfriend?”

“Why would you ask me that?”

“Because I don’t want to be surprised…”

“What do you mean surprised?”

“I mean, I don’t want to hear out of the blue you have a girlfriend…”

“So if she’s my girlfriend, you want me to tell you first, I’m confused, lol.”

“No, I mean I want you to tell me if you’re planning on making her your girlfriend so that I can prepare.”

“Why would you need to prepare?”

”Because for the last year and a half you’ve been telling me you didn’t want a girlfriend and I believed you…”

“Well, I wasn’t lying but maybe you should prepare yourself then.”

“So NOW you’re ready for a real relationship? Obviously, you just didn’t want to be with me then and I wish you had just been honest with me.”

“But that’s not the case.. it had nothing to do with you.”

“You just didn’t want to be with me… WHY ELSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE NOW?”

“Well, she doesn’t speak English.”

I’m going to pause here for effect.

Let that sink in.

Okay.

Continue…

“That’s cool.”

“Wow, you aren’t even going to ask how I talk to her? lol”

“Maybe there is no talking.”

”No, turns out I can speak Spanish, who knew.” (Sidenote: he has a thing for Spanish girls… oh and in actuality he barely knows any spanish)

“Figured. Well, you knew I was never turning into a Spanish girl.”

”I knew that. Don’t take this all personal.. I really do like you.”

“It is personal. Clearly, you didn’t like me that much, the jig is up!”

“I didn’t realize I was doing a jig…”

“I want you to be happy but I feel really foolish and stupid and it hurts.”

The End.

She’s only been in the US for 2 or 3 months and works in the kitchen of his restaurant. It makes me nauseous that I can care about someone who would rather settle for a relationship in which there is little communication.

When I think about it, I do get it. The language barrier will allow him to avoid the aspects of a relationship he doesn’t want to deal with. He doesn’t want to have a girl get close to his family, check, the girl can’t even talk to his family! He doesn’t have to worry about talking about serious feelings because hey, there lucky if they can talk about the weather.

But honestly, this all kind of feels like a bad joke.

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Filed under Boys are Dumb, Past loves, Relationships, The Ex, This is my life, Why I shouldn't drink

My Heart’s Greatest Weakness

It was Sunday night when an all too familiar feeling of disappointment swept over me.  I had almost forgotten this feeling.  You know when you can actually physically feel your heart hurt?  That’s what it feels like when he disappoints me.  And all the sudden the questions were back:

“Why doesn’t he care?  Why doesn’t he miss me?  Why doesn’t want to see me?  Why did he ever say those things if they weren’t true?!”

I was curled up in bed when the tears came.  I was not hysterical… the tears just needed to escape for a minute.

I had asked him to let me know if he could make it to the party on Saturday.  He said if he didn’t have to work he would definitely go.  I believed him… because he said he missed me and he said he really wanted to see me and you know what?  I WANTED to believe those things were true. 

But he did not go.  He did not call.  He just did nothing.  And worst of all, he seemed to think that was okay.

In my wine induced state of drunkenness on Saturday night, I had sent an angry text or two – I can never hold back when it comes to him.  Then later on, I had sent a couple more taking back half of what I had said… yea, basically I took the express train to Crazytown.  Thankfully his phone was dead and the next day, he was unphased by my crazy behavior:

“What happened?” He asked.

“I was just really bothered by the fact that you didn’t come last night and you didn’t even let me know like you said you would.  I am sorry for acting crazy last night… I just really don’t want to talk about it.”

“No problem… so did you have fun?”

“Yea, it was a good time.. What did you end up doing?”

“I just went to a party with Mark.”

“See, this is why I was upset.  You chose to go to a party with a guy you see everyday over seeing me.  I mean, it’s fine, at least I know the truth now.”

“Nooo.. come on, it’s not like that jerk.”

“Listen, it’s okay.  Obviously, you don’t miss me or want to see me becuase if you really did, you would have taken the opportunity to see me.”

“Really, it’s not like that.  I will take my next opportunity!”

“It’s really okay.  It’s better that I know the truth.”

“But it’s not the truth.  I do miss you.  I do want to see you.”

“I just wish you could understand how it looks/feels from my perspective.”

“I’m sorry sweetie..”

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

I woke up on Monday in a bit of a mood.  My head was saying, “See! I told you soooo.  You should always listen to me, you silly girl.”  Frankly, my heart was too tired to argue.  “I’m done,” I thought.  “I’m done… I need to keep moving forward.”

And then he texted me.

“Hey you..”

I just stared at my phone.  I really didn’t expect to hear from him so soon.  Sometimes, I feel like guys have this radar that detects when a girl is ready to move on.  It’s almost like they can hear you thinking “I’m done” and they know they need to step up or they will lose you…

We make small talk for a couple minutes but I’m not myself.  I’m still hurt and I don’t really feel like joking around.

“I really want to take you out tomorrow night.  I want to go to the beach.”

It was about a year ago when we initially tried to go to the beach at night for a date.  It ended up raining that night and then it was too cold out to go.  When I saw him a couple months ago I had said that I was disappointed we never made it there.  He said we still could but I said no.

“I’m sure Mark would like to go with you.”

“No, I want it to be romantic.  I want to go with you.  How about I bring a blanket and some red wine… Will you go with me?”

I knew I should say no… I really knew it… but I could feel my head losing the battle.

“Well, tomorrow is no good for me anyways…” I reply.

“Okay so Wed?”

I don’t answer.

“Or Thursday? Come on, I’m trying!”

I don’t answer.

“I’m sorry about the other night… Please let me make it up to you…”

With every text he sent it was getting harder to say no.  I knew deep down that I really did want to go.  My head was losing out to my heart.  I felt like I couldn’t help it, my heart just had the stronger pull… and I guess I wasn’t really “done.” 

“Well, tomorrow is no good.. but… I guess Wed or Thurs could work.”

“Okay, Wednesday night… It’s a date. :)”

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Filed under Boys are Dumb, My Crazy, Past loves, Relationships, The Ex

Sunday Blues

My heart aches a little today. I was involved with a guy, let’s call him The Ex, for about a year and it ended for good two months ago. In the last two weeks I’ve felt that I’m truly moving on and actually feel HAPPY again. See, he was no good for me. He did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated. However, last night I got drunk and I decided to confess to him that no matter how much I move on I still keep thinking about how I want to have sex with him. Just talking to him today threw me for a loop.

The thing that makes my heart ache is how he cares so little about me and i care so much about him. Even though I know he’s wrong for me, I lost my virginity to him and that gives him a special place in my heart. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him… but I can’t.

I’m sick of letting him have this hold on me. I don’t have that hold on him and it just tears me up. Why was I not enough? Why doesn’t he miss me? How could he just stop caring about me? Did he ever really care about me?

When I let it get me down, these are the questions I ask myself. This is why I can’t talk to him or see him. Because this is how I feel afterwards. I deleted his number completely from my phone today. I need to not see him, not talk to him, and I wish so badly that I could just stop thinking about him.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I can’t torture myself like this anymore, I just need to move on. It’s hard because we have mutual friends so I know I will have to see him but I want to be done with him. I want to stop asking why I wasn’t enough. I want to not care if he’s seeing other girls. I just want to be happy and not think about him.

I would have done anything for him. I put my whole heart on the line, i trusted him when he said he’d be around and he took my heart and he stomped on it, a number of times. Why do I still care? He doesn’t deserve me to ever speak to him again. Like I said.. i really wish I could hate him…

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Filed under Boys are Dumb, Past loves, The Ex

Oh Let’s Go Back to the Start…

I remember… how it all started with innocent flirting on our college graduation trip to Mexico. High school flirting like dunking me in the pool and realizing how ticklish I am. I still remember the first night we were there, we ended up sharing the pull out sofa together and we stayed up laughing at everything and nothing. I was amazed at how easily I could be myself around you. You even walked outside to the bar to get me a cup of water at 2 in the morning just because I was thirsty.

I remember… how fickle I was about you at first. When you gave me too much attention it was too easy and I was bored but when I had to fight for your attention it annoyed me. But everything about the way you acted was intriguing and kept me on my toes and I secretly loved it all.

I remember… our first kiss. We were sitting at the table with another friend who in his drunkeness decided to call us out on the sexual tension between us. It had been four days of flirting and he was right. He walked away and I still remember right before we kissed my stomach started doing little flips in anticipation. And when we did kiss, it was amazing; more amazing then i could have ever imagined.

I remember… how we couldn’t stop kissing after that. We ended up on one of the pool lounge chairs, making out like teenagers while the hotel employees were trying to clean up for the night but we were lost in our own world.

I remember… how we argued even back then. You have a tendency of saying the wrongs things and I have a tendency of being too emotional. Even our first week knowing each other we would fight, the way couples do. No, thats probably not normal, but nothing about us ever was.

I remember… how I convinced myself that you were completely wrong for me and I had no interest in dating you once we got home. But when you failed to ask me for my number when we said goodbye, you managed to spark my interest.

I remember… how one year ago, it all started with a hello and a smile as you sat in the back of the SUV on the way to the airport. I never could have planned how much impact you would have on my life and emotions over the next year.. and to think it all started with a little innocent flirting…

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Filed under Past loves, Reminiscing, The Ex, Vacation