Category Archives: Relationships

Because I had 14 minutes to spare at work…

I don’t normally like to talk about my dreams too much.  I don’t even enjoy hearing about dreams that much unless I’m being asked to dissect the meaning of them, which can be kind of fun.  But mostly, it’s always a bit anticlimactic – I mean, this stuff didn’t really happen so I’m usually just like “yea, that is a weird dream” and thats about it.  However, I had an interesting dream that I remember pretty vividly the other night.  And I’m gonna share it and you guys will probably be all “yea, that is weird” just like I usually say at the end of dream stories and move on with your lives, but I’m gonna share it anyway lol.  Cubie thinks this one is a bit telling of my inner secret thoughts.

So, the dream starts off with Boyfriend proposing to me.  I don’t even think it was suppose to be in the future, it was like now – just 3-4 months in, but I said yes and was happy, although I knew it was fast.  Then all the sudden it is another day and I’m on a deck in the summertime and The Ex comes up to me and gets down on one knee.  He starts to propose to me but when he grabs my hand, he sees the ring from The Ex and gets upset/mad.  He starts crying and keeps asking “Why? Why would you do that when you KNEW I was going to propose to you!?!” 

I feel bad and I’m shocked to see him showing EMOTION but I just look at him and say matter of factly, “yes, but why would I ever believe you?”

I give him a hug and tell him I’m sorry but I’m marrying Boyfriend. 

Then for some reason, I have a really quick wedding and it isn’t at all how I want it.  And my hair in particular is just AWFUL and I’m SO UPSET because you only get one wedding and mine is just terrible and not at all how I wanted it.  Even my Mom & sister tell me my hair looks like crap.

And then I woke up genuinely upset/relieved over this dream.  Mostly relieved that I didn’t really have awful, awful hair on my wedding day.

Whew.

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Filed under Boyfriend <3, Random Thoughts, Relationships, The Ex

Because I need to get this off my chest…

You know that scene in Elf, the one where he is all “I’m in love, I’m in LOVE! and I don’t care who knows it!”

That’s kind of how I feel on the inside – because I’m waiting for my boyfriend to say it first and now, it’s slowly starting to drive me crazy, heh.  I’m being patient, these things can’t be rushed but I’m starting to feel like if I don’t say it soon, I’ll just explode!

So, instead I’ll just tell you people. 🙂

(le love)

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Filed under Honest to blog, Relationships, The Good Stuff, Warm Fuzzy Feelings

Because I Think This Should Be Documented

Saturday night found me at my best friend’s engagement party.  I was there with my boyfriend.  The Ex was there with his 33 yr old woman friend. 

And I was okay.

Nope, I was great.

In fact, I found myself to be so deliriously happy with my boyfriend that I could not and would not let The Ex bring me down in the least.

And that my friends, is pretty fucking fantastic.

Because I didn’t know if I ever would get here.

And yet, here I am.

The End.

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Filed under Honest to blog, Relationships, The Ex

A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.  🙂  I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over – full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck. 🙂

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Over Analyzing, Past loves, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

Late Night Revelation

The last few days I have been struggling to come to terms with something…  the notion that The Ex is in love with his new g/f. I mean, we were on and off for two years and it was always, I really like you or I really care about you. Never the L bomb. At least not on his end. And not that I ever vocalized either.

But now here he is, a mere two or three months in with a new girl and they are “in love”. And I see him doing all those things that he refused to do for me. All the commitment he could never give to me. He’s IN IT with her, you know.  As opposed to always having one foot out the door with me.

But I knew what was bothering me was bigger than that. It wasn’t just about him, I knew it went deeper than that. On the way home from my boyfriend’s tonight I was thinking of how I’ve been slightly more on edge with him than usual, almost looking for reasons to get mad.  Looking at it know, its actually quite characteristic of myself when I’m feeling insecure – that’s when it hit me.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks… the bigger picture, the real thought taunting me:

I’m afraid I’m un-lovable.

The Ex couldn’t love me and I realized that although I know my boyfriend really LIKES me, I’m scared he’ll never be able to love me either.  And I drove home feeling broken.  Sometimes I think I’ve grown so much, like I have it all together but in that moment I felt small and lost… and really sad.  Sad because I guess I still don’t believe that I’m deserving of love.  Sad because can I really be in a healthy relationship with such an unhealthy line of thinking?  I don’t know.  Maybe this is just temporary.  All I know is I needed to get this out and that’s as far as my analyzing has gone as of 1am this morning.

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Filed under Honest to blog, Love, Relationships

But What About Your Boyfriend?

It seems that, without fail, when I start talking to someone about how I’m applying to grad school, the conversation always end up turning in this direction:

Them: So where are you thinking of going?

Me: Well, (university nearby) is the only school I would be able to commute to, unfortunately, the others are all at least an hour and a half away.  The farthest is 4 hrs.  So it really depends where I get in.

Them: Ohhhhh but what about your boyfriend?

To which, I normally respond, what ABOUT my boyfriend?  No, I don’t want to leave him.  In fact, I have moments where I think about going away and get scared if we are still together this could fuck everything up.  But what exactly am I suppose to do?  I NEED to go to the school that a) accepts me and b) will give me an assistantship that covers my tuition.  If it’s the school nearby, then great! I would be happy to go there.  And if it’s not, well… we will just have to make it work.

Because I have to do what I have to do.  And we only have barely 2 months under our belt, what if we aren’t even together in a year?  There’s a lot that could happen and while I truly hope things continue to be great, who knows.  I just don’t see why I should be expected to plan my future around my relationship.  Well, at least not in this case.  I only have one option nearby.  And I don’t think I should limit myself to that one program.  If the roles were reversed, while I would HATE for him to leave me to go to grad school, I would understand if he had to and I would support him.

I don’t really like to dwell on this aspect of it because I don’t know whats going to happen with the whole application process.  I don’t know where I”ll be accepted.  So why start worrying now about long distance and such when I could very well end up going to the university nearby?  But people seem to keep making me think about it… even make me feel guilty – like how in the world could I even consider moving a couple hours away, to go after the career I want.  And I just don’t get it.  Its not like I’m trying to leave him for no reason.

And while I know my boyfriend would love for me to go to the school as close to him as possible, he also reinforces that I need to do what I need to do.   That I need to find the program that’s right for me.  He is completely supportive, even if the idea of being hours away isn’t quite appealing to him.  Which I know it isn’t, but he does not give me a guilt trip for.  However, other people are doing a good job.

All this even made me have a dream the other day that he was secretly mad at me for thinking about leaving.  Maybe I do feel guilty, but this plan was in motion before I met him, and I just can’t rationalize changing this particular plan for a guy, even if I am crazy about him. 

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Filed under Honest to blog, New Beginnings, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis

Randomness, I has it.

* I was out to dinner with one of my single girlfriends tonight and we were discussing her dating situation.  She, like me before I met the Boyfriend, has had a string of bad luck with guys.  As we were talking, I remembered a quote I often reminded myself of when I was feeling lonely and like no one would ever be able to love me (what can I say, I have a flare for the dramatic)

Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes… all you need is one.

*  I would stop and think, all it takes is one person to change everything.  One person to understand me and love me exactly how I am.  Insecurities and all.  Someone who will love me despite my flaws.  Not everyone is going to love you, it’s just about finding that one special someone.  I believe that.

*  Today was kind of rough.  I NEVER expected to be so stressed out about applying to grad school.  The majority of the stress is coming from not knowing how I will pay for this.  My student loans already make me want jump out the window, I don’t think I can afford any additional payments.  The only solution – pray hard that I get an assistantship that will cover full tuition.  CROSS YOUR FINGERS EVERYONE!!!!!!

*  While we are on the subject, after lots of thinking and soul searching, I have decided to get my masters in higher education/student affairs with the goal of being a career counselor at a college or university.   I figure if anyone knows how confusing choosing a career/major can be, it’s me.  So I would love to help students figure out what they would really love to do.

*   I was terrified to tell my Mom about my plan though.  I never talked about what went down last year when I was thinking of going to school for school counseling.  My Mom did NOT react well.  Even told me she thought I would be bad at it.  Gee, thank you.  But she responded much better this year, probably because it was obvious I had thought this through very carefully.

*  I had a thought as I was walking to my car after work today.  It was freezing outside and the coldness was biting the exposed part of my feet and chest.  I tried to cover myself better and started wondering if it was ALWAYS so damn cold in October.  I thought back to when I was a little kid and Halloween would come around and I always wanted to just wear my costume with no long sleeve shirt underneath.  (I felt that it ruined the authenticity of the costume lol)  But you know my Mom would FORCE me to because it was usually cold.  I thought about how I’d be so busy running around, having fun collecting candy that I didn’t even NOTICE the cold.  I sort of long for that sort of care free feeling.

*  Approximately 2.5 seconds ago, I removed The Ex from my friends list on Facebook.  I needed to stop stalking him and his new g/f (who is 35 with 3 kids, who he apparently LOVES after a hot second)  I’m not sure how I feel about this.

*  And finally, now that Twitter is unblocked at work (yayyyy) I have a feeling I will be tweeting again so follow me if you would like!! 🙂

http://twitter.com/littlemissxo

 

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Filed under All Things Listy, Random Thoughts, Relationships, The Quarter Life Crisis