Category Archives: Reminiscing

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

For me, 2009 was a year of self reflection, taking chances, opening myself up and letting go.

It turned out to be a pretty big year, but in a quiet way, maybe that’s why I didn’t realize it while I was going through it.  Nothing huge and dramatic really happened but somehow through new friends, a lot of self reflection and decisions, things are changing – I’m changing, life is changing, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time.  But don’t you think that is when the best things happen?  That exciting and scary feeling?  I think it’s a good sign.

I started off the year at a hotel party with a group of my best friends dancing my little heart out.  I didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight but I was really okay with that.  Actually, I was more than okay with it because the year before I had The Ex to kiss at midnight and THAT night went on to be my worst NYE thus far in life (thanks to a giant fight w/ him, the jerkface!).  So I learned, having someone to kiss at midnight does not a great New Years Eve make.   But back to last year’s New Year’s Eve, right after the ball dropped “Walking on Sunshine” came on, which just so happens to be my theme song at work.  I couldn’t help but think that it might be a sign from The Universe that this year might just be awesome.

And looking back?  Well, it kind of was.  Of course, there was hard stuff…. there’s ALWAYS going to be hard stuff.  But there was lots & lots of really good stuff too and that’s really the stuff I remember the most.  I went on two awesome vacations with my best friends and had countless fun nights out.  I tried snowboarding for the first time and finally took some jewelry making classes!  But this year was less about what I did and more about what I learned.

The beginning of this year was filled with some…. interesting dating experiences, to say the least (you know, like the guy who whipped it out, Work Spouse, Meantime Man & of course, the last of The Ex) and as awkward/upsetting/ UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE as some of those experiences were, I still wouldn’t take them back.  Because I learned from each bad date, from each disappointment, from each dating disaster and I filed away new information about what I do and DON’T want out of a relationship and a boyfriend.  Plus, let’s be honest – it made for some good blog fodder. 😉

But something that defined this year the most for me happened in the summer.  I reconnected with an old friend from high school, who I spent hours and hours getting to know again through conversations online.  He’s a deep, intellectual and introspective person and somehow through our conversations, I got to thinking a lot about my own life, my own thoughts and opinions, dreams and goals.  I started questioning things and ideas and beliefs I had my whole life and began to wonder if I’d been going through life with too many of my Mom’s opinions shaping the way I was living.  So, I vowed to make changes and to live life on my own terms.  I realized that if I kept living my life through my Mom’s eyes I would never be happy.  So, I made a big decision to apply to grad schools and to take a RISK!  Something I really feel like I haven’t done enough of in my life, mostly because my Mom tends to stress taking the safe route.  But I’m going after what I want and need to do right now.  I’m going after a new career path, one I feel passionate about and I’m giving it a try.  It is a risk – I know this but one that I feel is worth taking.

And then amidst all this decision making, self reflecting, growing and embracing who I am, something even more amazing happened.  I found myself talking to this sweet boy on OK Cupid and although I was pretty over the whole online dating thing, I felt like I should meet up with him.  At this point, my expectations were low and dating had really taken a back burner to the bigger ideas I had swirling around my head.  But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made because four months later, I sometimes forget what my life was like without him.  And I don’t mean that in a bad, my relationship is my whole life kind of way… more like, he fits into my world so perfectly and he fills in these little gaps I didn’t even know existed and just makes my life that much sweeter.  He is not my everything or my only happiness BUT he is who I get to share my life, my happiness WITH – which is what I think I’ve been looking for all along.

I have a feeling that I will always look back on 2009 very fondly.  Something about the little moments, the little revelations, the little ideas, that ended up having a big impact on me. 

Love & best wishes to you all in 2010.

xoxo

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Filed under Here Comes the Sap, Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Reminiscing, The Good Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, Warm Fuzzy Feelings

Sexiversary…

This morning I could only remember little bits and pieces of that day. My defense mechanism during break ups is to push the happy times out of my head. So today when I thought back to my favorite date of ours from one year ago, I really had to pull it out of the vault where I’d stored it away for safe keeping. But once I cracked it open just a little, the flood gates opened and it poured out…

*     *     *     *     *

When he first told me that I was all his Dec 8th-9th and that what we were doing was a surprise, I didn’t really know what to expect.

“I like surprises,” I told him.

But I liked being a little detective even more. Eventually, he gave me one hint…

“It will put us in the Christmas spirit… I didn’t know what we should do at first but when I found this, I kind of thought it was perfect…”

I had told him a few days before that I was so excited for Christmas and he had listened. Eventually, he ended up giving me the time “it” started. So like a good little detective, I Googled everything and anything I could think of until I found it – A Christmas Carol.

“Perfect, indeed” I thought to myself.

*     *     *     *     *

I got into the car the day of our date, and we took off…

“Don’t you want to know where we are going?”

“Oh, yes! Where?!”

He pulls out the tickets and I am right, we are going to the play. I squeal like a girl and tell him how excited I am.

“See, you can too plan dates… this is just perfect. Thank you!”

I never did tell him that I figured it out beforehand.

The show was amazing and the town was even better. White lights decorated the streets and filled the air with Christmas spirit. We found a nice little Italian restaurant to have lunch in, complete with a bottle of wine. We held hands across the table and I remember being deliriously happy. I remember thinking – I’ve never, ever felt so much like myself with another guy.

*     *     *     *     *

As we drove to the hotel, he made a silly joke and I let out a laugh straight from the soul. He grabbed my hand and said,

“You know… I think you get my sense of humor more than anyone I’ve ever known…”

And he isn’t the type of guy to just say things like that so it really hit me straight in the heart. I didn’t say anything, just smiled.

When we started getting close to the hotel, I got quiet and my bouncing, jittery leg gave away my nervousness without me realizing it.

He looked over at me and laughed,

“Sweetie, relax, we’re just going to a hotel to spend the night (ed note: this part of the date was not a surprise he sprung on me.. we talked about this beforehand) .. don’t be nervous… It doesn’t mean anything has to happen.”

But I was a little nervous… and a little excited.  I  don’t know exactly what point that day I decided for sure I wanted to have sex with him but I knew it by that point.  But I was nervous… I mean you hold onto something tight for 22 years and of course it’s scary to let go.  But I couldn’t deny how I felt about him and what was I waiting for anyways?

*     *     *     *     *

The seven months of dating leading up to this point had been tumultuous and equally full of fights and laughs.  I think I liked that he could push my buttons, and I could push his.  I guess I always knew I’d end up hurt, but I just didn’t care.  There were many nights to come that I would question my choice to sleep with him but now, a year later, I can say for sure I don’t regret it.  Because I got those butterflies again just by writing this entry.  And I cared about him… well, I still do care about him very deeply.  Even after everything we’ve been through.  In a perfect world, I wanted to be in love my first time… but I feel like it ended up happening exactly how it was meant to and that feels good.

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Filed under Dating Stories, Let's talk about sex baybee, Love, Reminiscing, The Ex, This is my life

Rewind…

I found my old blog today from two years ago (which had a whopping four entries in it).  I was 21 and in my Senior year of college.  I really wanted to share this one entry because it still rings very true two years later.

November 6, 2006

I think Cosmo was thinking of me when they wrote this article about the stresses of life as a 20-something. Let me begin by saying, I enjoy being 21. I do. Some of my friends freak out and think we are old already but I don’t like to look at it that way. I think this is a wonderful age and I plan on enjoying it to the fullest extent. We are still living off our parents a little like when we were in high school but now they have a lot less control of us. We’re legally allowed to drink, none of us are married yet and we still have plenty of time to play. I have the best friends and I like that I am still young enough to be a little irresponsible. I can stay out late, all night if I want, and it’s okay. Your only young once and there’s no reason to hurry up the whole growing up process.

All that considered, I do agree that the 20’s are definitely a very confusing and stressful time. I only have a vague direction in life right now. People ask us all the time where we see ourselves in 5 years.. the truth is I have no idea. I couldn’t even tell you where I”ll be in ONE year. I might be in Grad School or I might have a full time job in NYC. I really don’t know. It excites me and terrifies me all at the same time. I think thats what your 20’s are all about. They’re about finding yourself and sometimes that means winding up in unexpected places doing things you never considered.

Back to COSMO.. Heres the 5 turmoils of being a 20-something in this day and age from the article..

#1 “I have no idea what my calling is.”
Sometimes I feel alone in this one. Most of my friends know what they want to be. Actually its the same for almost all of them, teachers. But that’s not me, I don’t want to be a teacher. Maybe it’s trickier for me because I chose a field (marketing) not really a profession. I mean, you don’t get a degree in teaching and then really have to think too hard about what your going to do with that. You basically just have to decide what grade and/or what subject. Marketing is a little more broad, you can market anything for all different types of companies. But I’m scared I’ll never find a job I’m passionate about. That’s really important to me. I want to love my job, maybe not my first job, but the job I settle into. So I definitely understand this statement but I guess thats what your 20’s are for. Exploring your options and figuring out what it is that makes you happy.

#2 “I’ve never been in a long term relationship.”
Oh god, don’t even get me started on this one. I am single, and so are a bunch of my girlfriends. At 21 years old it is VERY difficult to meet nice guys who want a relationship. But sometimes you can’t help but think there’s something wrong with yourself. The truth is the dating scene is different now than it was for our parents. Growing up we always heard of people meeting their future spouses in college. Nowadays, your lucky to find a boy who even wants to spend the money to take you out on one lousy date. Its sad but true. College is now all about the casual no strings attached hookup relationships. For girls looking for a relationship and love, it just really sucks. And yes I know there are exceptions to every rule, some girls luck out and find boyfriends but that usually happens the first couple weeks of freshman year.

#3 “How long will I be emotionally dependent on my parents?”
I thought this one didn’t really apply to me until I read the blurb about it. I call my parents for everything, I’ll admit it. I call my mom when I need advice on school, internships, life decisions. I call dad when anything goes wrong with my car, computer or anything else electronic. Well I guess I can thank Cosmo for pointing out something I didn’t stress about before but now I might have to add to the list.

#4 “Paying the bills keeps me in a constant state of panic.”
I don’t pay my own bills yet. But I’m sure this one isn’t too far away..

#5 “Am I ever going to have the life of a real adult.”
I don’t really have this issue… I’m in no rush to be a real adult.. 🙂

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Filed under Boys are Dumb, Random Thoughts, Reminiscing, single life, This is my life

The Color Beige

It was Senior year and I was in my Peer Leadership class.  Mrs. Rose announced the activity for the day would be, “If you were a color, what color would you be?”  By this point in the year, I was pretty tired of these questions.  What animal would you be, what fruit would you be… seriously? Enough already. 

Our desks formed a circle and we went around the room, concentrating on one person at a time.  Each sharing what color we felt they represented.

Soon, it was my turn and my classmates began…

“I think Little would be yellow, because she is bright and cheerful.”

“I thought of Hot Pink because its girly and fun, just like she is.”

“I also think Yellow because its such a bright and happy color.  And Little always has a smile on her face.”

Then, it was Mrs. Rose’s turn.  She looks at me and says, “I think you are the color beige.”

A little gasp escapes me and I question, “Beige? For…for… boring?” At the time, I was going through a phase where I thought I was boring and her answer had stung my heart a little.

She answered “No, just listen to my reasoning.  I say beige because the color can transform based on the colors around it.  Among loud, bright colors, beige can fade into the background.  Amound other pastels, it can blend in.  Among other colors, it can pop out at you.  Depending on your company, you can blend in, hold back or stand out.  And that’s why I think you are the color beige.”

I sat there for a minute and thought about what she said.  I thought about the way I react when I meet new people and how I act when I’m part of a group… 

Put me in a group of loud, outspoken, strangers and I’m likely to be intimidated.  I come off timid and I’m happy to sit back and take in the conversation around me, laugh at the jokes, listen to the crazy stories and keep the attention off me.

Now, place me with a group of shy people and I will be the one to stand up and try to bring everyone out of their shells.  I know what it is like to feel shy so I try to make them feel comfortable just like I appreciate when people do for me. 

With my best friends, that is when I blend in.  They are the colors that match me best.  I feel like when I am with them, I am my true self.  Sometimes I’m the listener, sometimes I am the storyteller.  But there is no being shy or being outspoken.  It is just me being me. 

I realized what a true assessment Mrs. Rose had made.  There I was sick of these silly, pointless, little activities and now six years later I still haven’t forgotten what she said that day.

Oh and it turns out that being Beige… well… I kind of like it.

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Filed under Beyond the walls.., Random Thoughts, Reminiscing

Oh Let’s Go Back to the Start…

I remember… how it all started with innocent flirting on our college graduation trip to Mexico. High school flirting like dunking me in the pool and realizing how ticklish I am. I still remember the first night we were there, we ended up sharing the pull out sofa together and we stayed up laughing at everything and nothing. I was amazed at how easily I could be myself around you. You even walked outside to the bar to get me a cup of water at 2 in the morning just because I was thirsty.

I remember… how fickle I was about you at first. When you gave me too much attention it was too easy and I was bored but when I had to fight for your attention it annoyed me. But everything about the way you acted was intriguing and kept me on my toes and I secretly loved it all.

I remember… our first kiss. We were sitting at the table with another friend who in his drunkeness decided to call us out on the sexual tension between us. It had been four days of flirting and he was right. He walked away and I still remember right before we kissed my stomach started doing little flips in anticipation. And when we did kiss, it was amazing; more amazing then i could have ever imagined.

I remember… how we couldn’t stop kissing after that. We ended up on one of the pool lounge chairs, making out like teenagers while the hotel employees were trying to clean up for the night but we were lost in our own world.

I remember… how we argued even back then. You have a tendency of saying the wrongs things and I have a tendency of being too emotional. Even our first week knowing each other we would fight, the way couples do. No, thats probably not normal, but nothing about us ever was.

I remember… how I convinced myself that you were completely wrong for me and I had no interest in dating you once we got home. But when you failed to ask me for my number when we said goodbye, you managed to spark my interest.

I remember… how one year ago, it all started with a hello and a smile as you sat in the back of the SUV on the way to the airport. I never could have planned how much impact you would have on my life and emotions over the next year.. and to think it all started with a little innocent flirting…

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Filed under Past loves, Reminiscing, The Ex, Vacation