Category Archives: The Hard Stuff

A Little Venting..

You know what is insanely frustrating?  Being misunderstood and fighting with someone you love. 

I had a really great weekend but it ended quite horribly, with a big fight with my Mom.

Basically, she wanted to talk about my internship and the grad program I got accepted to.  She asked what my internship would involve and I told her all the different aspects to it and her only response was – “well, how would YOU know how to do that?”  Um, its called training, and you know, being in classes designed to learn to do this exactly!  Geez…

So we moved onto the whole financial aspect of it.  My internship pays my tuition and also provides a $7,000 stipend.  I would THINK that she would be happy about this, but instead she tells me I should be worried about next year and if they are going to all the sudden have to cut my stipend or tuition remission.   Anyways, she went on to ask a bunch of other questions like whether I will defer my student loans or not and what I want to do with my degree and what the salaries in this field are like.

But it wasn’t a conversation, it felt more like an interrogation.  There was no feedback, just question, a nice long answer from me and then she’d make a face and then ask another question.

Finally, I said “I don’t like talking to you about this because you are just always negative.”

And she flipped her lid. 

I pointed out how she never even said congratulations to me or really anything positive at all, pretty much throughout this whole process.  She countered that she said “good luck” before my interview and asked how it went afterwards.

Which, yes she did ask how my interviews went, I will give her that but she again had not a positive thing to say.  I told her about the program and answered a few questions she had and she didn’t have a single bit of feedback.  Except at the end when she said, sighhhh “I just wish the timing was different.”  (referring to the economy and the schools in our state having big budget cuts)

The thing is that I do understand that she is just worried about me and wants to make sure I am fully thinking this through.  My problem is the fact that she NEVER has anything positive to say to me about it at all.  If she would just act a little happy for me then I wouldn’t mind all the questions and the worrying.  But its like I waste my breathe answering her questions because she never has anything nice to say – all she does is just make these stupid skeptical faces.

And the part that really upsets me is that she says that it’s all in my head and that she isn’t being negative.  But I know its not in my head.  It’s just very frustrating.  She gets mad and says I never talk to her about anything but I feel like I can’t.  I’d rather talk to the people around me who are truly supportive and excited for me.  But of course she is one of the most important people in my life so I want to talk to her about school but she makes it so hard and she refuses to take any responsibility for that.

Anyways, I know this is probably not the most coherent post but I just needed to get it out I guess.  So thanks.

Update: I talked to my Mom when I got home and we smoothed things over.  She still believes that I had a preconceived notion that she is unsupportive of my decision which may be true to an extent but I also believe that she doesn’t realize the way the things she says come off to me.  Regardless, she did tell me she does think it is exciting and I finally got a little positiveness out of her.

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Filed under The Hard Stuff

A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.  🙂  I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over – full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck. 🙂

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Over Analyzing, Past loves, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

But What About Your Boyfriend?

It seems that, without fail, when I start talking to someone about how I’m applying to grad school, the conversation always end up turning in this direction:

Them: So where are you thinking of going?

Me: Well, (university nearby) is the only school I would be able to commute to, unfortunately, the others are all at least an hour and a half away.  The farthest is 4 hrs.  So it really depends where I get in.

Them: Ohhhhh but what about your boyfriend?

To which, I normally respond, what ABOUT my boyfriend?  No, I don’t want to leave him.  In fact, I have moments where I think about going away and get scared if we are still together this could fuck everything up.  But what exactly am I suppose to do?  I NEED to go to the school that a) accepts me and b) will give me an assistantship that covers my tuition.  If it’s the school nearby, then great! I would be happy to go there.  And if it’s not, well… we will just have to make it work.

Because I have to do what I have to do.  And we only have barely 2 months under our belt, what if we aren’t even together in a year?  There’s a lot that could happen and while I truly hope things continue to be great, who knows.  I just don’t see why I should be expected to plan my future around my relationship.  Well, at least not in this case.  I only have one option nearby.  And I don’t think I should limit myself to that one program.  If the roles were reversed, while I would HATE for him to leave me to go to grad school, I would understand if he had to and I would support him.

I don’t really like to dwell on this aspect of it because I don’t know whats going to happen with the whole application process.  I don’t know where I”ll be accepted.  So why start worrying now about long distance and such when I could very well end up going to the university nearby?  But people seem to keep making me think about it… even make me feel guilty – like how in the world could I even consider moving a couple hours away, to go after the career I want.  And I just don’t get it.  Its not like I’m trying to leave him for no reason.

And while I know my boyfriend would love for me to go to the school as close to him as possible, he also reinforces that I need to do what I need to do.   That I need to find the program that’s right for me.  He is completely supportive, even if the idea of being hours away isn’t quite appealing to him.  Which I know it isn’t, but he does not give me a guilt trip for.  However, other people are doing a good job.

All this even made me have a dream the other day that he was secretly mad at me for thinking about leaving.  Maybe I do feel guilty, but this plan was in motion before I met him, and I just can’t rationalize changing this particular plan for a guy, even if I am crazy about him. 

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Filed under Honest to blog, New Beginnings, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis

Maybe I Think Too Much for My Own Good, Some People Say So, Other People Say No No

Man, am I happy to see this week coming to a close.  It was just a heavy week.  Nothing terrible happened to me but I just felt like this week was filled with sad news and a lot of reflecting.

When I posted about my bad day on Monday I forgot the saddest part – I came into the office to learn that one of my coworkers, a 27 yr old girl called out that morning because her husband had died in his sleep.  They were together for 11 years, he was only 31.  Not only did my heart break for her but it was a reminder of how suddenly people can exit our life.

And it was a tough week in Hollywood as well with Ed McMann, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson all passing.  I’m watching MTV right now and they are doing a tribute to MJ and its breaking my heart.  It makes me sad that the last ten years of his life he has been so greatly scrutinized by the public but now that he is gone, the world is showing there love for him – except that is not what he got to see before he left us.  He will always be one of the greatest pop icons of all time.  I think that when its all said and done people will remember him for being a great artist rather than all the controversy that surrounded him and that’s how it should be.

I was at my friends house on Monday night and she wanted to watch the Jon & Kate announcement, which of course was that they are seperating.  Which led to marriage and divorce being on  my mind a lot this week.  Specifically, the fact that sometimes parents stay together for the kids (which I believe my Mom did for us)  I don’t want to get into the whole thing right now but that has also been on my mind a great deal.

Anyways, if I learned anything this week its to appreciate the people in your life and never take them for granted because things can change and people can be gone in the blink of an eye.

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Filed under Here Comes the Sap, Honest to blog, The Hard Stuff

Today was one of those days…

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed

after not being able to fall asleep most of the night

I was tired, cranky and crampy

I was late to work

One of the first emails I read was a rejection for a job I applied to in Philly

My job seemed extra annoying and unfufilling

Plus there were no new job postings that interested me

And on the drive home from work

All I could think about was

Having someone wrap their arms around me

Tell me I look beautiful in sweatpants

Find one of my idiosyncrasies cute

Remind me that it will all work out

Hold me tight

Kiss my forehead

And let me fall asleep in their nook

But there is no one

And most days that is okay

but today I really wanted someone.

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Filed under Beyond the walls.., Here Comes the Sap, Honest to blog, The Hard Stuff

Our Lives Can Change With Every Breath We Take…

Sometimes it scares me that life has the ability to change in less than a second. One minute my biggest problem is which pairs of shoes I should take on my vacation and the next minute, my biggest problem is my Mom making it through open heart surgery. Little bit of a difference there, huh?

Her surgery went well on Monday morning. I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so scared in my life. I know it’s a common surgery but it just sounds so scary – I mean it’s the heart, you don’t want to mess around with that. Since Monday, some of the anxiety has subsided but it’s still there. She’s getting better but not without some bumps on the way. After a surgery like that, your body is pretty much in shock but my mom is young and she is trying as hard as she can to recover as fast as possible.

It just has been taking an emotional and physical toll on me. I went back to work today and I could barely stay awake. Part of me wished I had taken the day off to get some sleep but I need to save my days in case she needs me when she gets home.

But let me rewind a minute back to Friday, when I was going back and forth on whether I should try to go on vacation still. My mom was pushing me to go, telling me she’d be upset if I missed it. But when it came down to it, I couldn’t leave her…or my sister… or my dad. I just kept thinking there will be other vacations, other cruises but I only have one Mom. I realized that if I went, I could really end up regretting going and then I’d be stuck on a boat for 8 days feeling guilty/upset/stressed. But I would NEVER regret staying because I would know that I had been there for my family. That’s when I knew for sure I wanted to stay. And I really haven’t had much time to be upset about it. I am 100% sure I made the right decision.

Right now, all I can be is grateful. Grateful that the surgery went well. Grateful that so far she has been recovering well. Grateful that she knew to go to the doctor when she did. Grateful that she has an amazing cardiologist who got her a great surgeon. Grateful that she could find out she needed this before something worse happened.

This story really begins back in June. One night she got sick, she was nauseous and she had a weird sensation in her chest. She thought she better go to her doctor and make sure everything was okay. Test after test, bloodwork after bloodwork, and then a final test and all was not okay. Three arteries were clogged. Her cardiologist performed angioplasty and stents were put into two of those arteries. It’s not a very invasive procedure and recovery was very quick. It scared me but in comparison it was nothing.

Four months went by and she was doing everything she was supposed to: taking her medicine, eating healthy (as she always did), exercising (again, as she always did) when out of nowhere on Thursday night, she said I need to go to the hospital NOW. When she had the angioplasty done, her doctor somehow blocked the artery so she could feel the sensation of the clogged artery and told her, “Remember this feeling. If you EVER feel this, you need to come to the hospital immediately. Do not wait to see me in the office.” So she remembered and she did not mess around.

When I spoke to her on that Thursday night while she was at the hospital, she said the feeling had subsided and her EKG had come back fine. She thought she would be going home that night or at least in the morning. We thought everything was fine but the next morning when they took her in for the test in which they can see the condition of the arteries, the stents they put in were clogged. Her heart disease was too aggressive and her only option was the triple bypass.

The crazy thing is my mom is one of the healthiest people I know. She eats so healthy, she exercises and she doesn’t smoke. But heart disease runs in her family. And I guess when it comes down to it, you can do everything right but if you have aggressive heart disease through genetics, you only have so much control over it.

This situation has made me realize how very important it is to LEARN the symptoms of a heart attack. The symptoms are different in men and women. My mom has never felt pain, it almost feels like indigestion. That’s why it is such a big killer of women, because they don’t expect it to be their heart and they wait too long to get help. So ladies and gents, learn the symptoms and if you EVER think you could be experiencing a heart attack do NOT chance it. Because if it IS a heart attack every single minute, even second counts.

And to all my readers who left me comments and well wishes and for those of you who kept my mom and my family in your prayers I thank you. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

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Filed under I love my friends, The Hard Stuff, This is my life