Category Archives: When the CraZy takes over

A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.  🙂  I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over – full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck. 🙂

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Filed under Honest to blog, My Crazy Thoughts, Over Analyzing, Past loves, Relationships, The Hard Stuff, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

Please Hold, While I Have a Fucking Moment

God, Facebook is the Devil sometimes.

I hate it.

Hate, hate, hate it.

I was having a really good day.  I was ready to come on here tonight and tell you guys how date #3 went really well.  In fact, at the end of the night, I didn’t even want to leave.  I was perfectly content all wrapped up in his arms.

Then tonight, I went on Facebook and decided to torture myself by looking at The Ex’s page (I have him hidden from my newsfeed which really does nothing except cause me to actually go to his profile in order to stalk him out, which I do practically every day, sad I know).  It had been a couple days though but lately there’s been this girl.  This girl leaving comments on every status update… inside jokes and comments that led me to believe they were dating.

Tonight, I have decided it’s definite.  And I hate that I care.  We’ve been over for a long time… well, we did have another fling in May which maybe is why I still care.  But either way, I KNOW deep down he is NOT the guy for me.  I gave so much to someone who gave so little.  He does not deserve me, even he would try to convince me of this.

But back to the moment I had, after I saw the comments, I felt sucker punched.  I got nauseous and shaky.  I closed the window and tried to compose myself by thinking of all his flaws and the mean things he’s said and done to me.  Somehow my attention shifted to the New Boy.  And all of the sudden I was all Negative Nancy about it.  All FORGET IT! I’m better off alone, without ANYONE!! Fuck guys!! Being all super dramatic in my head.  Cursing all guys ever born.

I’ve calmed down now… I’m feeling slightly better.  I know that he can’t make me happy but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.  Knowing maybe he could be the guy I imagined he was for some other girl.  But the truth is, he will probably treat her the same shitty way.  Only thinking of himself, only doing the things that benefit him, calling all the shots.  I don’t want that.  I don’t and I know it.

But still, if I need to actually see this in the near future at a party, well, I’m just not ready for that yet.

P.S. I have the best bloggy buds ever, thanks so much for the feedback on the last post!  🙂

8 Comments

Filed under Boys are Dumb, Dating Stories, Honest to blog, My Crazy, The Ex is a douchebag.. the end, When the CraZy takes over

New Boy, New Crazy

Hi bloggies, I’m back! and so is The Crazy.  Oh who am I kidding, The Crazy never really leaves me, it just lays dormant for a little while.  Anyways, I’ve been feeling a little nutty the last couple days.  Nutty over a boy.  Notice, I didn’t say smitten but nutty, as in I’m thinking so much, my brain might explode.

I’m not giving him a cute little name yet… I feel like it’s too soon for that.  So, I met him online… oh, and he just so happens to have the same name as The Ex, which is actually a lot more annoying than I anticipated it being!  The Ex’s name just holds so much weight to it, ya know?  I say that name and I think of him.  But when I talk about the new boy with my friends we just call him OK (because we met through OK Cupid lol) so that makes life slightly easier.

 So the new boy, well, I feel like he is just very genuine.  He is super sweet and nice, but a little on the shy side.  The thing is that while the first date flowed really well and I had a good time, I didn’t know how much we sparked.  Maybe I was thinking about it too much or maybe it’s the fact that he’s just so nice.  However, I did want him to kiss me at the end, which he did not!  (side note: end of date = awkwardness, unless you’ve already kissed earlier in the date)

So first date was on Thursday, second date was on Sunday.  He came over to just hang out since I had the house to myself.  We watched Beerfest (actually very funny movie) and then played a little Rock Band.  We ended up being all cuddly during the movie and the night ended which a couple cute kisses.  After he left, I found myself really happy but at the same time questioning things.  Do we have enough in common?  Is the chemistry enough?  Is there spark? 

I spent most of yesterday thinking about it.  I can’t help but notice that this is what I do with nice guys.  I look for reasons to run.  If a guy’s into me, I get freaked out.  If he acts uninterested or like a jerk, I’ll be dying to see him again.  But really, when a nice guy likes me, it’s almost like I don’t know what to do with myself and I become really critical of the situation.  I hate being like this.

The thing is that he contacts me just enough.  Not overwhelming but he is consistent.  He’s respectful.  He thinks about me instead of just himself.  He tries to plan cute dates for us.

And yet, is there a spark?  I don’t know! Is that bad?  Is what I assume a “spark” with the jerks just because its more difficult, more thrilling.  Is it actually just a figment of my imagination because I’m having to work to get a guy to like me? 

Tonight is our third date.  I’m going to his house and he’s cooking us dinner (+ 5 cute points)  I feel like tonight will be a big tell of whether something is really there or not.  I know I sound crazy and that I should just take about 100 chill pills and calm the fuck down but I just get nervous about these kinds of things.

So, I was just curious bloggy buds, have you ever had chemistry develop slower?  Have you ever been unsure in the beggining?  Does it usually mean something is not there?  Do you think I’m a whackadoo worrying like this?  Ok, Go!

8 Comments

Filed under Dating Stories, Honest to blog, New Beginnings, Relationships, When the CraZy takes over

My Quarter Life Crisis is a Nagging Biatch

Lately, I’ve been consumed with thoughts of change.  It all started innocently enough.  Passing thoughts of changing my appereance or learning something new.

Dye your hair strawberry blonde. Get a tattoo. Pierce something.

It’s not unusual for me to think about change but lately the thoughts have been growing louder and more persistant. 

Start running.  Learn to make jewelry.
Figure out what you want to do with your life.

And I can’t seem to drown them out as hard as I try.

Take a big risk. Pack up your life and move across country.  Do something that scares you.  Just take a risk.

It’s not that these thoughts are bad to think about.  But when they start screaming all at once, my chest gets tight and its hard to breathe.

Go back to school.  Get a new job.  Leave this one you don’t even like.  What exactly are you doing?

I guess life has been pretty stagnant for awhile.  I’m sort of stuck in a bubble of safety living at home, hanging out with my best friends from high school, all still living here in my hometown.  Not having to really step outside my comfort zone for two years now.  Just moving along.. going with the flow… standing still when I should be moving forward.

How about you start dating again?  Take a chance with that. 

Or maybe, move away even if everyone else is staying. 

Update your resume.  Send it out.  Look in all different places.  You’ll never leave without a reason.

And these thoughts, they just don’t stop.  I can’t make them stop.

Hi, this is your quarter life crisis talking and I’m here to stay.

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Filed under My Crazy Thoughts, Random Thoughts, The Quarter Life Crisis, When the CraZy takes over

Example #286 Why Dating Drives Me to Drink

I want to share what went down with WorkSpouse so I can refer to it from here on out and you guys will understand.  I found this draft of a post I wrote right before it all fell apart…

March 18th

Ever since the night me and Work Spouse made out, we’ve been talking non stop.  I had assumed it was just a drunken attraction as I’ve always just looked at him as a friend. The day that really changed it was my birthday.  He couldn’t come out the night before so we made plans for him to come over on my actual birthday and play Rock Band.  After we got tired of rocking we decided to just relax and watch TV and we started cuddling and then… making out sober for the first time.  And it was good, really good.  And comfortable.  That is the night that made me stop and think.

But then the next day he mentions how he told his Mom I’m his “friend he makes out with.” YES! THE WORDS EVERY GIRL DREAMS OF HEARING. He had been sticking to the fact that we were just friends and I was off limits for the following reasons:

He doesn’t date co-workers
I just dated his friend (Meantime Man)
We’re really good friends

I’m pretty much breaking every rule the kid has about dating.  Yet what he says and what he does is not matching up.  I know he doesn’t want a relationship but he acts like were dating, all while saying we are just friends!  So now, we are just stuck in some sort of friends/dating limbo.

For instance, last night I went up to his house, met his Mom, went to dinner (he paid), he held my hand the whole way home, we tried to watch a movie and ended up hardcore making out. So we’re… friends? We’re… friends w/ benefits (although not many)? Dating? Seeing each other?

He’s only about a month out of a three year relationship. I KNOW he doesn’t want a relationship right now… wait, does that sound familiar? Does that sound like the same story as The Ex? I know, and that’s probably why I’m on the express train to Crazytown right now.

The worst part is, he is a really close friend. He KNOWS about The Crazy. He has heard me talk crazy about other boys and he doesn’t want to do that to me. He is seriously one of the best guys out there.

So the dilemma? The complete, honest to blog truth is I feel myself falling for him. I mean, he is one of my closest friends and the physical chemistry? Off the charts. So really, what more could I ask for!? But, it’s complicated.

Really complicated.

There’s the really good friendship that could get ruined.

The fact that we work together.

The fact that I just was dating/sleeping with his friend.

Most importantly, I’m just really really scared of getting hurt and that’s why The Crazy is sneaking in. I mean, that’s what causes The Crazy afterall, it’s our fears.

So, bottom line – if I feel like I will end up getting hurt, do I break it off now? Or do I try to just go with it and have fun and see what happens?

*    *     *     *     *

Well, I never even got around to posting that entry before eventually things got weird.  Well, he got weird.  Later on, we talked about it and just like I was scared of getting hurt, he was scared of getting hurt, or worse, hurting me.  It sucked.  I was disappointed. 

But, the real kicker.  The reason I kinda think he’s an asshole now is that around the same time he got weird, he starting spending all his time with another girl, who was also just his “friend.” 

She has a boyfriend who lives a couple states away.

A baby.

A baby daddy who she still sleeps with.

Cannot keep a job.

And he spends all his time with her.  It’s been, oh, a month and a half now.  And because we’re such great friends, I found out that they are sleeping together and pretty much dating, even though he told me he would never. 

And the reasoning why he’d want to be with her over me?

“Well, it’s just easy.  There’s no strings attached.  I don’t have to worry about her getting attached to me or me getting attached to her.  Plus, it could fall apart and I could never talk to her again and I wouldn’t care.  If things went bad with us, I would be so upset about losing you as a friend.”

Yada, yada, yada.  I actually got over the whole thing pretty quickly probably because I found his behavior so ridiculous and unattractive. 

Apparently, guys would rather date girls who don’t speak English (that’s over already btw) and girls who already have a boyfriend then put work into something real and THAT is frustrating as hell.

19 Comments

Filed under Boys are Dumb, Cubicle Life, Dating Stories, When the CraZy takes over

The One Where I Throw Shoes and Make Other Equally Bad Decisions

It’s story time bloggy buddies.  Ben put together a fun little contest to share our best hangover stories.  I’m sure most people’s stories include the physical agony but mine is more about the awkwardness that comes when you get drunk and make bad decisions with your coworkers on a Thursday night (aka when you need to see them the very NEXT day). 

Every year, my company hosts a sales conference and one night in particular is a big vendor event that turns into a party afterwards.  It has actually been referred to as the Spring Break of the company (oh and btw most of the employees are people who are straight out of college).  So during the event, we get drink tickets and I happily used mine on some wine.  The thing about wine is it goes directly to my head.  I’m talking after one glass I feel a little buzz already.  So I have a couple glasses of wine and when the event ends at 9pm I’m feeling real good.  But the night is just starting, thats when people move to the bar in the hotel.  Now, there are a couple characters in this story.  At the time, I had been casually seeing my coworker, M.  Then there is Briefcase Boy (he brings in a briefcase everyday with only his lunch in it, so yea that sums him up).  Now BB in the preceding weeks had been dropping hints that he had a crush on me but I wasn’t interested at all.  Lastly there is Work Spouse

So I’m hanging out with my team and work friends at the bar when M buys me a drink (Stoli Vanilla and Ginger Ale).  Then BB buys me another one (hey, who am I to turn down a drink).  The drunker I get, the more I start flirting with M and he asks if I feel like going out to his car for a few minutes…

“Well, I’m having fun with everyone and I’m really not about to go hook up in your car so…”

“Nah, let’s just go cuddle for a few.”

Apparently, it wasn’t very hard to convince me but I made it clear we would only be cuddling (ok maybe kissing too).  So we go to M’s SUV and he puts down the seats.  We lay down and I’m wondering why I even am there since things were pretty much done with M and he really didn’t treat me the best.  Also I was texting The Ex and he was upsetting me and making me hate all boys (including the one laying next to me)  Also, I was flippin drunk at this point.  He noticed I was upset…

“What’s the matter?” He asked.

“Nothing..”

“Who are you texting?  What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing!”

“Just tell me.. I lovee youu (slurred).. come on, tell me.. I looove youu..”

“What? Shut up!”

“What? I lovvveeeee youuuu” more slurration

“Why are you saying that?! No, you don’t!”

We were kinda sorta dating for like a month and a half and he was always very hot and cold with it.  He did not love me, he barely even knew me THAT well.  I want to hear those words but not out of some drunk boys mouth who does not even mean it.  I had to get out of there.

I spring up and say “I’m leaving, where are my shoes?”

I start rummaging through all the junk in his car looking for my flip flops when I come across another girl’s shoes…

“These are.. GIRLS shoes?!”

“Oh yea.. um… yea, those?  Well, those… those are my sisters…”

“Ha, are these your ex fiance’s?  You DO still see her don’t you?  These are not your sisters..”

“Yes, they are, they are my sisters”

“YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR!! Everytime you lie you use the sister excuse… you barely ever see your sisters!! Ugh, just admit they are you ex’s!!!!!”

“What? They are my sisters!”  He was a horrible liar.

“God, you are such a fucking liar!”  Sidenote: I dated a pathological liar and also lived with one in college.  I have a VERY sore spot for lying.

I held the shoe in my hand.  It was a plaid flat with a buckle.  And all the sudden I just chucked it right at him across the car. 

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Find my shoe, I’m leaving..”  I find the match to the fiance’s shoe and decide I need to throw that one too.  I stumble out of the car and go back inside while he drives home furious.

But the night does not end there.  I go back to the bar and now have to deal with BB creepily sneaking up behind me and whispering things such as “Don’t you want to take a chance?” “What!?” “Don’t you want to take a chance on me?” Blank stare .  “What, you only like bad boys?  I can be bad.”  Okay, I’ve got to go. 

So I decide to meet up with WS.  I really don’t know what comes over me but I cannot stop flirting my little butt off with him.  Long story short and bad decision later, we end up making out, something he always said he wouldn’t want to do while we were still working together.  Oops.

Eventually, at 3am or so I find my way back to my friends and our room.  I fill in Cubie on the shoe throwing incident and we go to bed. 

Four extremely short hours later, it was time to get up and get ready for work.  I thought I was going to die.  I was so tired, so nauseous and barely even functioning.  Cubie practically had to rip me out of the bed.  There was no showering, I was lucky I was even keeping my eyes open.  So finally we make it to work and as I’m walking towards the entrance I look over and who is walking towards the entrance at the exact same time? Yea, M.  Shit.  Shit.  What do I do?  I decide I need to assess the damage.

“Hey”

He gives me a half smirk which I had no idea how to read.

“So, uh you still mad at me?”

“Do you really even have to ask?”  Well, this is going to be a fun day. 

I walk inside, head towards my cube and pass WS.  I wave and decide I am going to pretend like nothing happened.  Things were fine until he decides to ask 10 million questions “Do you regret it?  Do you hate me now?  Are we okay?”  Oh boy.

Next, an awkward IM exchange with BB where he apologized for being so drunk and obnoxious.  

I sit at my desk and try to piece together the whole exchange with M.  Most people forget the end of their night but I like to be different and forget the very middle.  I remembered throwing the shoes.  I knew I threw them because I was mad he lied to me but so much was fuzzy.  It was awhile before I remembered the “I love you” part.  I decide to apologize in which he responds by asking me not to speak to him for at least a week.  Ouch, but what do I care, he’s a liar anyway. (P.S. he did eventually admit they were the ex-fiance’s like one week later)

So next year, I’m planning on keeping all shoes in check and NOT making out with any coworkers, not even one. 

Learn from my mistakes and don’t be a jonze.

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Filed under My Crazy, This is my life, Uncategorized, When the CraZy takes over, Why I shouldn't drink