Some 2 0 1 0 Resolutions.

Two thousand and ten (well, at least that’s how I say it) It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?   A brand spankin new year, filled with promise.  I don’t know exactly what this year has in store for me but all I can do is hope for good things, no, actually I hope for really awesome things.  As I said in my last post, I feel like 2009 was a really great year for me, filled with personal growth and I think the goals/resolutions I have for myself this year will help keep the momentum going.  Oh, the possibilities, I am excited.

Find outlets for my creativity – Ever since my girl scout days, I have always loved crafting and using my creativity so this is a big goal for me this year.  I feel like I have all this creative energy pent up and not enough outlets to let it out.  First, I’d really  like to learn to crochet/knit.  There is a store right near my boyfriend’s house that offers classes so I’m going to look into those (so excited!).  I also want to continue to learn more about jewelry making, which I started this year.  And finally, I’ve been really wanting a DSLR camera for awhile now and I’m thinking of putting my Christmas money towards one.  I loved the photography class I took my senior year of college and I feel like I would use my camera SO MUCH MORE if it was digital.  If anyone has any suggestions for a good starter DSLR, feel free to let me know.   I’m really excited at all the possibilities to create and maybe next year I will be ready to open my own Etsy shop!

Get in shape/lose weight - This was a resolution last year and pretty much the only one that I 100% failed.  I’m still not off to a good start this year either.  What’s it going to take?  I need to get a grip because the last two and a half years have been a steady increase in weight and a steady decrease in the amount of excercise I get.  I sit all day long at my job; I need to get up and get active.  The hardest part is starting – I just need to find my motivation – where, oh where, are you hiding mister motivation!?  I put “get in shape” before “lose weight” because that truly comes first this year.  It’s not all about how I look anymore (although I’m not so happy about that either).  It’s just I feel very out of shape and I don’t like it.  Once it gets a little nicer out I’d really like to start running (Couch to 5K program).  I have always struggled with running so it will be a real challenge for me but I think that will actually help.  I like to be working TOWARDS something so having a strict plan might just be exactly what I need.  So, running at least one 5k is a big resolution for me this year and I really hope I follow through.

Finish applying to grad school - Ok, plain and simple – the process is annoying.  Seriously, every school wants something different from you.  I feel like I’m on a scavenger hunt to just decode exactly what the program requirements are.  Sometimes, I just want to say ughhhh, fuck it.  But I just need to buckle down and finish the rest of these applications.  The most annoying part is getting the recommendations.  I hate having to ask the recommenders over and over to submit their letters BUT I just need to do what needs to be done and stop putting things off.  One school down, five to go!

Be happy & appreciative for everything I have - I really would like to start a gratitude journal and list a few things every day or every few days that I’m thankful for.  I feel like it would really help put things in a positive perspective for me.  I already make an active attempt to be grateful for everything in my life but I think writing it all down would just take it to a new level.

What are your resolutions?

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

For me, 2009 was a year of self reflection, taking chances, opening myself up and letting go.

It turned out to be a pretty big year, but in a quiet way, maybe that’s why I didn’t realize it while I was going through it.  Nothing huge and dramatic really happened but somehow through new friends, a lot of self reflection and decisions, things are changing – I’m changing, life is changing, and it’s exciting and scary at the same time.  But don’t you think that is when the best things happen?  That exciting and scary feeling?  I think it’s a good sign.

I started off the year at a hotel party with a group of my best friends dancing my little heart out.  I didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight but I was really okay with that.  Actually, I was more than okay with it because the year before I had The Ex to kiss at midnight and THAT night went on to be my worst NYE thus far in life (thanks to a giant fight w/ him, the jerkface!).  So I learned, having someone to kiss at midnight does not a great New Years Eve make.   But back to last year’s New Year’s Eve, right after the ball dropped “Walking on Sunshine” came on, which just so happens to be my theme song at work.  I couldn’t help but think that it might be a sign from The Universe that this year might just be awesome.

And looking back?  Well, it kind of was.  Of course, there was hard stuff…. there’s ALWAYS going to be hard stuff.  But there was lots & lots of really good stuff too and that’s really the stuff I remember the most.  I went on two awesome vacations with my best friends and had countless fun nights out.  I tried snowboarding for the first time and finally took some jewelry making classes!  But this year was less about what I did and more about what I learned.

The beginning of this year was filled with some…. interesting dating experiences, to say the least (you know, like the guy who whipped it out, Work Spouse, Meantime Man & of course, the last of The Ex) and as awkward/upsetting/ UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE as some of those experiences were, I still wouldn’t take them back.  Because I learned from each bad date, from each disappointment, from each dating disaster and I filed away new information about what I do and DON’T want out of a relationship and a boyfriend.  Plus, let’s be honest - it made for some good blog fodder.

But something that defined this year the most for me happened in the summer.  I reconnected with an old friend from high school, who I spent hours and hours getting to know again through conversations online.  He’s a deep, intellectual and introspective person and somehow through our conversations, I got to thinking a lot about my own life, my own thoughts and opinions, dreams and goals.  I started questioning things and ideas and beliefs I had my whole life and began to wonder if I’d been going through life with too many of my Mom’s opinions shaping the way I was living.  So, I vowed to make changes and to live life on my own terms.  I realized that if I kept living my life through my Mom’s eyes I would never be happy.  So, I made a big decision to apply to grad schools and to take a RISK!  Something I really feel like I haven’t done enough of in my life, mostly because my Mom tends to stress taking the safe route.  But I’m going after what I want and need to do right now.  I’m going after a new career path, one I feel passionate about and I’m giving it a try.  It is a risk – I know this but one that I feel is worth taking.

And then amidst all this decision making, self reflecting, growing and embracing who I am, something even more amazing happened.  I found myself talking to this sweet boy on OK Cupid and although I was pretty over the whole online dating thing, I felt like I should meet up with him.  At this point, my expectations were low and dating had really taken a back burner to the bigger ideas I had swirling around my head.  But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made because four months later, I sometimes forget what my life was like without him.  And I don’t mean that in a bad, my relationship is my whole life kind of way… more like, he fits into my world so perfectly and he fills in these little gaps I didn’t even know existed and just makes my life that much sweeter.  He is not my everything or my only happiness BUT he is who I get to share my life, my happiness WITH – which is what I think I’ve been looking for all along.

I have a feeling that I will always look back on 2009 very fondly.  Something about the little moments, the little revelations, the little ideas, that ended up having a big impact on me. 

Love & best wishes to you all in 2010.

xoxo

Because I Still Heart Being Random on Friday’s

It’s Friday, party people!!  Woot Woot. 

After yesterday did a wonderful job of kicking my ass, I am kicking today’s ass.  Or well, maybe The Universe just loves me today.  Actually, it’s a fact – it told me in my note this morning:

Did you know, LMO, that every time you cry there, harps go quiet here, angels stop dancing, and the stars look down in stunned silence?  Which is why we often say, “If LMO ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy.”
You are loved,
    The Universe

See, Universe = lots of love today.  Does the universe send you a love note every morning?  No?  Well then go here and get to it: http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/

I really can’t believe Christmas is only TWO WEEKS away.  Can you guess who’s done pretty much NO shopping?  Who’s that you guessed?  Did you say LMO?  Well then yes, you are correct you smart little cookie, you.  I was off to a terrible start too, as I’m getting my boyfriend a customized Dolphins jersey and I put off ordering it until a couple weeks ago because um, I don’t know, the website never SAID it was on BACKORDER!!!  So anyways, I ordered it only to learn that it will probably take 2-4 weeks to ship and once it does, it goes out UPS ground and takes another 3-6 days to be delivered.  So I crunched the numbers and proceeded to freak out because, oh shit! it very well might not be here for Christmas!  Tear tear.

Well, wouldn’t you know I checked my e-mail this morning only to discover it shipped out today.  Cue happy happy dance!

I’m really looking forward to this weekend – I have nice mix of relaxation, productivity and fun planned.   Tonight Boyfriend & I are going to go looking for some ugly sweaters for our party we have next weekend.  Do you guys have any tips on where we should look!?  Then tomorrow is all about Christmas shopping and relaxing once I’m done.

Then on Sunday, I’m going up to NY to go to my aunt’s baby shower.  I can’t believe we are going to have a little baby in the family – it has been a long time! like 13 yrs!  So happy for her and can’t wait to meet the little guy or girl in February.

I bet it will be another boy.  When I was younger, I always wanted a little girl cousin to play with, teach her how to do curl her hair and let her play with my makeup.  I am the oldest cousin on my Dad’s side of the family, then comes my sis who is two years younger then my one girl cousin who is two years younger than my sis.  But she was the biggest brat when she was younger so she did not fulfill my hope for a little girl cousin!  So after her, I have FIVE BOY COUSINS.  Every time one of my Aunt’s would get pregnant, I would pray for a girl, please a girl!  And every time, it was a boy.  I wonder if now, I’ll finally get my little girl cousin, lol.  That would be cute.

Have a great weekend lovlies!

Because I had 14 minutes to spare at work…

I don’t normally like to talk about my dreams too much.  I don’t even enjoy hearing about dreams that much unless I’m being asked to dissect the meaning of them, which can be kind of fun.  But mostly, it’s always a bit anticlimactic – I mean, this stuff didn’t really happen so I’m usually just like ”yea, that is a weird dream” and thats about it.  However, I had an interesting dream that I remember pretty vividly the other night.  And I’m gonna share it and you guys will probably be all “yea, that is weird” just like I usually say at the end of dream stories and move on with your lives, but I’m gonna share it anyway lol.  Cubie thinks this one is a bit telling of my inner secret thoughts.

So, the dream starts off with Boyfriend proposing to me.  I don’t even think it was suppose to be in the future, it was like now – just 3-4 months in, but I said yes and was happy, although I knew it was fast.  Then all the sudden it is another day and I’m on a deck in the summertime and The Ex comes up to me and gets down on one knee.  He starts to propose to me but when he grabs my hand, he sees the ring from The Ex and gets upset/mad.  He starts crying and keeps asking “Why? Why would you do that when you KNEW I was going to propose to you!?!” 

I feel bad and I’m shocked to see him showing EMOTION but I just look at him and say matter of factly, “yes, but why would I ever believe you?”

I give him a hug and tell him I’m sorry but I’m marrying Boyfriend. 

Then for some reason, I have a really quick wedding and it isn’t at all how I want it.  And my hair in particular is just AWFUL and I’m SO UPSET because you only get one wedding and mine is just terrible and not at all how I wanted it.  Even my Mom & sister tell me my hair looks like crap.

And then I woke up genuinely upset/relieved over this dream.  Mostly relieved that I didn’t really have awful, awful hair on my wedding day.

Whew.

Because I need to get this off my chest…

You know that scene in Elf, the one where he is all “I’m in love, I’m in LOVE! and I don’t care who knows it!”

That’s kind of how I feel on the inside - because I’m waiting for my boyfriend to say it first and now, it’s slowly starting to drive me crazy, heh.  I’m being patient, these things can’t be rushed but I’m starting to feel like if I don’t say it soon, I’ll just explode!

So, instead I’ll just tell you people.

(le love)

Because I Heart Being Random on Fridays…

Thanks for sharing in my happiness of the last post – it WAS a fucking fabulous feeling.

Anyhoots, today was a bit of a doozy… you know how sometimes things build up inside of you and you don’t even realize it?  And then something small happens and all the sudden you are totally coming undone and sitting there like what just happened?  Yea, that was what happened at approximately 5:45pm.  However, it was nothing big and just a bunch of things related to still living at home, graduate school application stress, family stress, and the topper was basically having a hissy fit over the fact that my boyfriend and I never get any time to ourselves.  I mean, we do but not really because we both live at home and our parents both treat us like we are still in high school.  Anyways, more on that another day.

Onto happy things, because it’s almost Friday – woot woot.  My best friends and I were going to do our annual Secret Santa this year but then one of my friends had the idea to just do small $10-$15 gifts for each of us so that we could all exchange.  So, I thought about it and decided I want to get most of my stuff on Etsy and support my little crafters out there!  Here is what I’ve purchased so far:

I bought these two cutie cute necklaces from Bead Up

And this adorable wallet and hair pins from Your Wishcake

But I am definitely not done yet!  Do you have your own Etsy shop or know of one I should check out?  Leave a comment! Thanks

Let’s see what other happiness can I share?  Well, here’s my favorite pic from the engagement party on Saturday:

Also, please note, this is the face I insist on making when I’m drunk. One day I will make a collage of pictures of me making this stupid face b/c its that ridiculous lol.

And finally, my favorite quote of the week courtesy of a tweeting Rev Run:

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice, to be able to be thankful for a good one – Marjorie Rawlings

Oh so very true.

Happy Weekend Bloggy Buds!

Because I Think This Should Be Documented

Saturday night found me at my best friend’s engagement party.  I was there with my boyfriend.  The Ex was there with his 33 yr old woman friend. 

And I was okay.

Nope, I was great.

In fact, I found myself to be so deliriously happy with my boyfriend that I could not and would not let The Ex bring me down in the least.

And that my friends, is pretty fucking fantastic.

Because I didn’t know if I ever would get here.

And yet, here I am.

The End.

Taking the Time to Be Thankful…

I’m thankful for my friends, the ones who are there to encourage me when I need it, to talk me back from the ledge when I’m thinking of jumping and to calm my crazy thoughts when I go into overanalyze mode.  They are more than my best friends they are my sisters, they are my soul.

I’m thankful to have a boyfriend who accepts me as I am – who doesn’t think I’m a complete weirdo – well maybe he does, but he actually adores me MORE because of my weirdness.  One who does thoughtful things and makes me feel special… all the time.  One who doesn’t make me cry.  One who goes out of his way to treat my friends just as well as he treats me.  One who plain old gets me and my craziness.  So thankful to have finally gotten lucky. 

I’m thankful for my family.  We aren’t perfect but we love each other.  We band together when we need to.  I’m lucky to have parents who put their children before themselves.  Who spent their lives trying to provide a wonderful life for my sister and I.  As I grow older, I realize not everyone is lucky enough to have parents like that.

I’m thankful for the professors and coworkers who are writing me recommendations for grad school.  Life is busy and not everyone is willing to give up their time for other people.  So these people, helping me go after what I want, is so appreciated, they have no idea.

I”m thankful that my Mom does not fully support my choice to go back to grad school.  She wants me to be happy but she’s worried for me, financially and otherwise.  But I’ve spent my life complying with the views of my Mom and its time to make a decision on my own.  And knowing that I don’t have her full support scares me but it makes it all the more important that I stand by my decision.

I’m thankful for The Ex and the things I know I will never put up with ever again after being with him.  I’m thankful that after going through that storm, I can appreciate the great thing I have now even more.

I’m thankful for this blog, my outlet.  The place I let my Crazy out.  My outlet for getting over The Ex.  I’m thankful for my blog friends, the ones I can count on for advice or to write a post that reaches my heart or motivates me or makes me laugh or just puts things in perspective.

I’m thankful for dark chocolate. Weight Watchers. Wii. LOST. chick peas. love. life. laughter. pictures. memories.  movies. having a JOB. having a free place to live. having people who love me in my life. dunkachinnos. finding the courage to take a risk.

AND FOR YOU, MY READERS, on the other end of this little corner of the internets who take the time to read my silly little thoughts.  Thank you.

A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.    I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over - full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.“

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck.

Late Night Revelation

The last few days I have been struggling to come to terms with something…  the notion that The Ex is in love with his new g/f. I mean, we were on and off for two years and it was always, I really like you or I really care about you. Never the L bomb. At least not on his end. And not that I ever vocalized either.

But now here he is, a mere two or three months in with a new girl and they are “in love”. And I see him doing all those things that he refused to do for me. All the commitment he could never give to me. He’s IN IT with her, you know.  As opposed to always having one foot out the door with me.

But I knew what was bothering me was bigger than that. It wasn’t just about him, I knew it went deeper than that. On the way home from my boyfriend’s tonight I was thinking of how I’ve been slightly more on edge with him than usual, almost looking for reasons to get mad.  Looking at it know, its actually quite characteristic of myself when I’m feeling insecure – that’s when it hit me.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks… the bigger picture, the real thought taunting me:

I’m afraid I’m un-lovable.

The Ex couldn’t love me and I realized that although I know my boyfriend really LIKES me, I’m scared he’ll never be able to love me either.  And I drove home feeling broken.  Sometimes I think I’ve grown so much, like I have it all together but in that moment I felt small and lost… and really sad.  Sad because I guess I still don’t believe that I’m deserving of love.  Sad because can I really be in a healthy relationship with such an unhealthy line of thinking?  I don’t know.  Maybe this is just temporary.  All I know is I needed to get this out and that’s as far as my analyzing has gone as of 1am this morning.