A Rational Revelation and Finding Peace…

I know my last post was quite melodramatic so a big THANK YOU for all your kind words.    I know I’ve been pretty slack on responding to comments but I promise I’m going to work on that.  Your words mean a lot to me!  But back to the last post, it was a combination of being overly emotional (my womanly time of month) and also very stressed over grad school and just straight up struggling to come to terms with the fact that The Ex seems to have done a complete 180. 

But after a few days, I have a fresh perspective on things, which I thought I would.  In the moment I needed to get out my fears and insecurities.  I don’t really believe I’m unlove-able – I mean, I did the other night but it was just one of those times when The Crazy took over - full force.  I let myself be upset about it for a day or two but then I told myself it was time to pull it together. 

I cut the pity party and asked myself, “HOW can you find peace with this situation? Because that’s what you need to do.“

It truly comes down to perspective and the way we choose to view life and the things that happen to us.  I could easily sit here and hurt and cry why couldn’t he love me or why couldn’t he do these things for me?  But where would that get me?  A big fat nowhere, except maybe with mascara down my cheeks, stuffing my face with some Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie ice cream in front of the TV crying over, like, The Notebook.

So, there I was with a question, now what was the answer?  It took me a few days before I had a bit of a revelation (again, although not as crazy and irrational as the last time)  It’s actually quite simple, he is in a different place now.  I look at how he is living his life and that is undeniable.  Perhaps, meeting his girlfriend made him want to change or perhaps he got tired of living the life he was living – of not really caring about anything or anyone, going out and partying all the time, not wanting to finish school and getting by doing as little as possible.  Maybe he finally snapped out of it, like I’d always hoped.  I guess the foolish thinking of mine was that once he snapped out of it, he would want to be with me.  But that was not the case and you know?  Its okay.  Our relationship was already too tainted to ever work, with too much resentment on both sides.  So he moved onto someone else and so did I.  It’s time I stop putting all the blame on myself.

The biggest thing I realized is that finding this peace has lifted a weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  I had so much anger towards him and the situation for so long, that it was a ball of negative energy following me around, weighing me down.  And it was self inflicted, I know that I chose to look at it from the worst perspective – the perspective where I was the one rejected and not good enough.  That’s what it comes down to – feeling not good enough.  But maybe that’s not how I want to look at it anymore.  And this peace and letting go of the anger, it is absolutely freeing.

So today, I ask you… do you have anger weighing you down?  Maybe you don’t even realize it but perhaps it’s time to find your peace.  Good luck.

Late Night Revelation

The last few days I have been struggling to come to terms with something…  the notion that The Ex is in love with his new g/f. I mean, we were on and off for two years and it was always, I really like you or I really care about you. Never the L bomb. At least not on his end. And not that I ever vocalized either.

But now here he is, a mere two or three months in with a new girl and they are “in love”. And I see him doing all those things that he refused to do for me. All the commitment he could never give to me. He’s IN IT with her, you know.  As opposed to always having one foot out the door with me.

But I knew what was bothering me was bigger than that. It wasn’t just about him, I knew it went deeper than that. On the way home from my boyfriend’s tonight I was thinking of how I’ve been slightly more on edge with him than usual, almost looking for reasons to get mad.  Looking at it know, its actually quite characteristic of myself when I’m feeling insecure – that’s when it hit me.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks… the bigger picture, the real thought taunting me:

I’m afraid I’m un-lovable.

The Ex couldn’t love me and I realized that although I know my boyfriend really LIKES me, I’m scared he’ll never be able to love me either.  And I drove home feeling broken.  Sometimes I think I’ve grown so much, like I have it all together but in that moment I felt small and lost… and really sad.  Sad because I guess I still don’t believe that I’m deserving of love.  Sad because can I really be in a healthy relationship with such an unhealthy line of thinking?  I don’t know.  Maybe this is just temporary.  All I know is I needed to get this out and that’s as far as my analyzing has gone as of 1am this morning.

20SB Blog Swap

Hello loveys, 20 Something Bloggers’ 6th Blog Swap is happening today and I was lucky enough to get paired with the very lovely Doniree.  You can find me over here at her travel & food blog, Nomadic Foodie, dishing about a few of my favorite NYC spots and other goodies.  While Doni is here telling us all about where to get some good food and beers (she clearly knows the way to my heart) in Minneapolis.

*     *     *     *     *

Minneapolis – The Herkimer

Since LMO is taking over my Travel and Food blog, I figured I’d expose her readers to a taste of some awesomeness here in my hometown of Minneapolis-St. Paul, so that when you find yourself in these fine Twin Cities, you at least have a place to start your food and brew journey.

My recommendation is that you start your journey in the Uptown area at the intersection of Lyndale and Lake (or of hipsters and cool kids), at a place called The Herkimer.

It’s a brewpub that – you guessed it – brews their own beers.  Want to feel like a regular?  Don’t ask for a Coors Light.  Just ask what’s on tap right now, as they rotate their selection seasonally (for ulitmate freshness! and just to keep us guessing).

How I found the Herk:

I started playing co-ed rec (read: drinking league) softball with my college friends the year after we graduated.  The Herkimer happened to be the bar sponsoring the team we joined, so we’d belly up after game nights on Tuesdays and refuel with beers and burgers and [what's been voted as the Twin Cities' best!] french fries.

What it’s like

The atmosphere and staff have a somewhat alternative vibe, and a shuffleboard table lines the side wall in the back.  When softball season ends, we show up on Thursday nights in the winter and participate in the shuffleboard leagues.

And the music?

No live music, but it’s got my favorite jukebox ever.  Mostly because it’s lined with some good old Replacements albums, and as a Minneapolis girl – this, I adore.

The Herkimer has kind of become the Cheers among my college friends – not necessarily in that everyone knows our names, though some do – just in that it’s become our place, the default when we’re looking for a good, reliable place to get great food and beers.

What about you?  Where’s your Cheers?

But What About Your Boyfriend?

It seems that, without fail, when I start talking to someone about how I’m applying to grad school, the conversation always end up turning in this direction:

Them: So where are you thinking of going?

Me: Well, (university nearby) is the only school I would be able to commute to, unfortunately, the others are all at least an hour and a half away.  The farthest is 4 hrs.  So it really depends where I get in.

Them: Ohhhhh but what about your boyfriend?

To which, I normally respond, what ABOUT my boyfriend?  No, I don’t want to leave him.  In fact, I have moments where I think about going away and get scared if we are still together this could fuck everything up.  But what exactly am I suppose to do?  I NEED to go to the school that a) accepts me and b) will give me an assistantship that covers my tuition.  If it’s the school nearby, then great! I would be happy to go there.  And if it’s not, well… we will just have to make it work.

Because I have to do what I have to do.  And we only have barely 2 months under our belt, what if we aren’t even together in a year?  There’s a lot that could happen and while I truly hope things continue to be great, who knows.  I just don’t see why I should be expected to plan my future around my relationship.  Well, at least not in this case.  I only have one option nearby.  And I don’t think I should limit myself to that one program.  If the roles were reversed, while I would HATE for him to leave me to go to grad school, I would understand if he had to and I would support him.

I don’t really like to dwell on this aspect of it because I don’t know whats going to happen with the whole application process.  I don’t know where I”ll be accepted.  So why start worrying now about long distance and such when I could very well end up going to the university nearby?  But people seem to keep making me think about it… even make me feel guilty – like how in the world could I even consider moving a couple hours away, to go after the career I want.  And I just don’t get it.  Its not like I’m trying to leave him for no reason.

And while I know my boyfriend would love for me to go to the school as close to him as possible, he also reinforces that I need to do what I need to do.   That I need to find the program that’s right for me.  He is completely supportive, even if the idea of being hours away isn’t quite appealing to him.  Which I know it isn’t, but he does not give me a guilt trip for.  However, other people are doing a good job.

All this even made me have a dream the other day that he was secretly mad at me for thinking about leaving.  Maybe I do feel guilty, but this plan was in motion before I met him, and I just can’t rationalize changing this particular plan for a guy, even if I am crazy about him. 

Friday Smiles!

The weekend is finally here party people!!

I love Fridays (who doesn’t?!) it’s the start of the weekend, I can dress down at work & there’s usually a FREE breakfast (hey, its the little things in life =P ) Moral of the story, there always seems to be a lot of reasons to smile on Friday.

Today, one of those reasons include some recent below the ankle action:

From left to right, Skechers Dark Brown slouchy boots, black & silver Mossimo heels from Target, and finally black & white plaid Roxy shoes from Journeys (best part of those are that the inside is completely fur!)

ALSO! I don’t know if you guys know this butttt… I am slightly in loveeeee with Taylor Swift, or Tay Tay as I adoringly refer to her.  Anyways, I missed her when she was touring this summer which I was beating myself up over.  HOW COULD I!?  And then The Universe heard my sadness and the next thing I know, I hear on the radio that she added extra dates just for me!  Okay, or maybe they said she was having a great time touring and didn’t want to stop just yet.  Either way, this is making me giddy:

I am SO THERE.  I’m marking my calendar as we speak to remind myself to get tickets!!!

Oh yeah, and click away from your Google Readers today if you’re feeling nice, to take a look at my new header.  I’ve been playing around with it for a week now and I think I finally got one I like! Smiles.

And finally, after a long week of work and studying I get to do lots of cuddling tonight which I can’t even tell you how much I’m looking forward to.

While I was looking for a picture of people cuddling, I found this, which also made me smile.

(we heart it)

Ah, too cute.

So, tell me – what has you smiling today?

Randomness, I has it.

* I was out to dinner with one of my single girlfriends tonight and we were discussing her dating situation.  She, like me before I met the Boyfriend, has had a string of bad luck with guys.  As we were talking, I remembered a quote I often reminded myself of when I was feeling lonely and like no one would ever be able to love me (what can I say, I have a flare for the dramatic)

Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes… all you need is one.

*  I would stop and think, all it takes is one person to change everything.  One person to understand me and love me exactly how I am.  Insecurities and all.  Someone who will love me despite my flaws.  Not everyone is going to love you, it’s just about finding that one special someone.  I believe that.

*  Today was kind of rough.  I NEVER expected to be so stressed out about applying to grad school.  The majority of the stress is coming from not knowing how I will pay for this.  My student loans already make me want jump out the window, I don’t think I can afford any additional payments.  The only solution – pray hard that I get an assistantship that will cover full tuition.  CROSS YOUR FINGERS EVERYONE!!!!!!

*  While we are on the subject, after lots of thinking and soul searching, I have decided to get my masters in higher education/student affairs with the goal of being a career counselor at a college or university.   I figure if anyone knows how confusing choosing a career/major can be, it’s me.  So I would love to help students figure out what they would really love to do.

*   I was terrified to tell my Mom about my plan though.  I never talked about what went down last year when I was thinking of going to school for school counseling.  My Mom did NOT react well.  Even told me she thought I would be bad at it.  Gee, thank you.  But she responded much better this year, probably because it was obvious I had thought this through very carefully.

*  I had a thought as I was walking to my car after work today.  It was freezing outside and the coldness was biting the exposed part of my feet and chest.  I tried to cover myself better and started wondering if it was ALWAYS so damn cold in October.  I thought back to when I was a little kid and Halloween would come around and I always wanted to just wear my costume with no long sleeve shirt underneath.  (I felt that it ruined the authenticity of the costume lol)  But you know my Mom would FORCE me to because it was usually cold.  I thought about how I’d be so busy running around, having fun collecting candy that I didn’t even NOTICE the cold.  I sort of long for that sort of care free feeling.

*  Approximately 2.5 seconds ago, I removed The Ex from my friends list on Facebook.  I needed to stop stalking him and his new g/f (who is 35 with 3 kids, who he apparently LOVES after a hot second)  I’m not sure how I feel about this.

*  And finally, now that Twitter is unblocked at work (yayyyy) I have a feeling I will be tweeting again so follow me if you would like!!

http://twitter.com/littlemissxo

 

The Balancing Act

Life is all about balance.

It’s about deciding what is important to us, prioritizing and then planning our time accordingly.

Right now, the balancing act?  The prioritizing?  The deciding how to spend my days?  It’s getting a little tricky.

Things are good, don’t get me wrong.  It just seems like everything is really intense right now and I’m just trying not to drop any balls.  I have less than 4 weeks to study for the GREs. 4 WEEKS. And I’m only getting one shot at this so basically, I need to sacrifice a lot of time to study for the next month.

And of all times, NOW is when work decides to get ridiculously busy and stressful.

It’s funny how love, err, like tends to be inconvenient.  Of all the times for me to finally meet someone I’m crazy about, I don’t think right now is exactly the best or most convenient time.  However, I guess thats how it works sometimes, when we aren’t looking… blah blah blah. I promise I’m not complaining, I’m ridiculously happy but like I said things are just intense right now.  And intense, in the best way, as far as my relationship goes.  I feel like I can’t get enough of him but right now, I can’t be halting the rest of my life to see him all the time.

I’m just starting to feel the pressure of it all.  The pressure to find time for my Honey but not forget my friends, and find time to study as much as I need to.  To research the schools I’m going to apply to.  To keep myself focused on WORK when I’m at WORK.  And then there’s my family complaining that I’m tossing them aside.

If you ask me though, it seems that the aspect of my life that’s really falling to the wayside is my “me time“.  I guess something’s gotta give and that something appears to be that time where I just lay in bed and blog or read or just watch TV.

I think it’s important for me to remember that this is temporary.  I remind myself that studying for the GREs will only be 4 weeks.  That the whole initial application process will be over by January and that will free up some time and be a weight off my shoulders.

I guess the only thing to do is to embrace the craziness.  What else can I do?  I’m busy and stressed but so excited at the same time.  I’ve got a man who I adore.  I have amazing friends and family.  I’m both terrified and excited to go back to school next year (if I get in that is).  A new career path and maybe even a new town or city could come along with that.

So, yea things might be crazy and stressful and life might require some extra balancing, prioritizing and planning then I’m used to… but if that is my biggest problem right now? Then I’d say life is pretty damn good.

Some Odds & Ends

Loveys, I have been exhuasted lately.  I can’t even form any full thoughts today so instead I’m just sharing a few odds & ends.  First, an interesting arcticle I read the other day:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/29/o.finding.lasting.love/index.html

I liked the idea behind this article.  That we should look for “relationships of shared virtue” or those people who bring out the very best in us.  Lately, I have been thinking about how The Ex brought out this nasty, crazy girl in me I didn’t like.  In contrast, The Boy makes me actually want to be a better person and at the same time, also makes me love the person I already am.  I think that right there puts a lot in perspective.

Next, a quote I read on this lovely lady’s blog:

If the picture doesn’t load, the quote is “Be with someone who knows what they have, when they have you.” Le love.

Lastly, a couple things that are making me all sorts of happy these Fall days:

Sam Adam’s Octoberfest & the fact that it’s getting cold enough out to wear my Uggs!

Do you have any odds or ends to share?!

This Summer I…

Focused on me, and learned a lot in the process…

Let The Ex prove once and for all he is not worth my time…

Saw a movie that changed my life…

Realized the older I get, the more comfortable I become with who I am, inside and out…

Spent time at my favorite spot in the world, the beach…

Strengthened the bond with my closest girlfriends…

Took a lot of pictures…

Had a BLAST..

And ended it all, with finding a very special someone.

Summer 09 – you were good to me

Smitten

He calls me beautiful.  He keeps his promises.  He listens to me when I talk and remembers the things I tell him.  He is always planning thoughtful dates for us, even though we can have fun together no matter what we are doing.  He has this cute little deep laugh that happens when he is being mischievous that drives me crazy, in a good way.  He understands that I’m silly, not ditzy.  He laughs at me and my little idiosyncrasies.  He holds me like he never wants to let me go.  He likes to remind me that he thinks I’m amazing.  He understands that my friends are a big part of my life and takes the time to get to know them.

He makes me smile… a lot.

He is the kind of boy who buys me Beatles Rock Band just because he feels like doing something nice for me and knows I want it.   He’s the kind of boy who wants to take me to the Jets game on Sunday even though he’s a Dolphins fan.  He’s the kind of boy I always wanted but never thought I’d ever be able to call my own… but I can.