Update from Quarter Life Crisis Land

Turns out that nagging little Quarter Life Crisis Biatch is giving me just the kick in the butt I needed.

Update Resume – Check

Research/Apply to Jobs – Check

Where I want to work: NYC

Where I want to Live: Hoboken

When I want to move out: August/September (or as soon as I find a new job!)

So that’s my plan.

In addition, I have been dieting (and really sticking to it!) and I’ve finally taken a jewelry making class. So lots of positive changes and decisions being made. It feels good. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe I am in the midst of a QLC but I think its a good thing. I think it’s good that I want to make a great life for myself. While things are still very confusing and up in the air, it’s a very exciting time. I’m excited to get a new job and to move out. I’m excited to really stick to my diet and finally get healthy.  I’m excited to finally be learning to make jewelry and getting my creative juices flowing.  I’m excited to see what the future holds but still, the unknown can be scary.

Can we talk about my dating life for a minute?  I might have a plan for everything else but my dating life is a mess.  I feel like I know what I want and what I’m looking for but at the same time, it’s like I’m not ready for it.

I know I want to be with someone who will really appreciate me and treat me how I deserve and love me even though I am a crazy, crazy girl.

And I know I don’t really want to be alone but I’m scared to open up to any new prospects.

And I know I don’t want to talk to guys from my past who have proven to me that they do not care enough about me yet I am drawn to them because at least I know what to expect.

I guess I just feel like my wall is up and I don’t see it coming down anytime soon.  But I guess I have enough other things to think about that dating doesn’t need to be a priority right now.

So, that’s all folks.  My Quarter Life Crisis update in a nut shell.

Eventually everything falls into place…
until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment,
and know that everything happens for a reason

My Quarter Life Crisis is a Nagging Biatch

Lately, I’ve been consumed with thoughts of change.  It all started innocently enough.  Passing thoughts of changing my appereance or learning something new.

Dye your hair strawberry blonde. Get a tattoo. Pierce something.

It’s not unusual for me to think about change but lately the thoughts have been growing louder and more persistant. 

Start running.  Learn to make jewelry.
Figure out what you want to do with your life.

And I can’t seem to drown them out as hard as I try.

Take a big risk. Pack up your life and move across country.  Do something that scares you.  Just take a risk.

It’s not that these thoughts are bad to think about.  But when they start screaming all at once, my chest gets tight and its hard to breathe.

Go back to school.  Get a new job.  Leave this one you don’t even like.  What exactly are you doing?

I guess life has been pretty stagnant for awhile.  I’m sort of stuck in a bubble of safety living at home, hanging out with my best friends from high school, all still living here in my hometown.  Not having to really step outside my comfort zone for two years now.  Just moving along.. going with the flow… standing still when I should be moving forward.

How about you start dating again?  Take a chance with that. 

Or maybe, move away even if everyone else is staying. 

Update your resume.  Send it out.  Look in all different places.  You’ll never leave without a reason.

And these thoughts, they just don’t stop.  I can’t make them stop.

Hi, this is your quarter life crisis talking and I’m here to stay.

LOST, LOST, LOST… Oh and an Update on WorkSpouse

I think it’s a bullet post kind of day… partially because I’m posting from work and partially because my head is filled with so many thoughts of LOST I can barely function. 🙂

• Right now, I can hardly contain my excitement for the LOST finale tonight.  I really think it’s going to be amazing.  From what I’ve been hearing from interviews with the producers and castmates, there are two big shockers at the end and one will leave us wondering how the show will even go on! 
• Also, any guesses for who the major death is going to be?  It’s supposedly going to be as sad as when Charlie died.  I don’t know if I’m prepared for this.  Last week, I kept having a nagging feeling that it would be Sawyer but I really don’t think they would do that with the whole love triangle going on.  Perhaps, Jin or Sun?  That would be so sad.  I guess we’ll see.  Make sure you have the Kleenex handy!
• I have a mini work event in the middle of the day today which is also bringing me happiness.  I get a 90 min break plus free food.  Saweet.
• The day after I wrote the post about WorkSpouse I decided to ask him what was going on with the crazy girl he is seeing.  WELL, they are basically in a relationship… apparently, he made her break up with her boyfriend a couple states away.  I don’t know if I was just emotional from rehashing the whole thing on here or if it’s because my Girl Time is coming but I lost it.  I was mad and upset and I basically told him that we are not friends anymore.  My exact words were: “I just can’t look at you the same anymore.  You treated me like every other jerk I talk to and thats not okay.  I want to still be good friends but we aren’t… and I blame you for that.”  I felt lied to and mistreated and I don’t want to be friends.  Maybe that is immature but I was a really great friend to him and I feel like he does not deserve my friendship anymore. 
• To end this on a happier note, because I really am in a great mood despite the stupid boy drama, this weekend my seester graduates college!  I’ll be out of town for a few days and probably won’t be posting.  I get to see some of my family I don’t see often and I’m super excited.  I’m so proud of my sis and can’t wait until she uses her new degree in dental hygiene to benefit me with some free teeth whitening. 🙂

Example #286 Why Dating Drives Me to Drink

I want to share what went down with WorkSpouse so I can refer to it from here on out and you guys will understand.  I found this draft of a post I wrote right before it all fell apart…

March 18th

Ever since the night me and Work Spouse made out, we’ve been talking non stop.  I had assumed it was just a drunken attraction as I’ve always just looked at him as a friend. The day that really changed it was my birthday.  He couldn’t come out the night before so we made plans for him to come over on my actual birthday and play Rock Band.  After we got tired of rocking we decided to just relax and watch TV and we started cuddling and then… making out sober for the first time.  And it was good, really good.  And comfortable.  That is the night that made me stop and think.

But then the next day he mentions how he told his Mom I’m his “friend he makes out with.” YES! THE WORDS EVERY GIRL DREAMS OF HEARING. He had been sticking to the fact that we were just friends and I was off limits for the following reasons:

He doesn’t date co-workers
I just dated his friend (Meantime Man)
We’re really good friends

I’m pretty much breaking every rule the kid has about dating.  Yet what he says and what he does is not matching up.  I know he doesn’t want a relationship but he acts like were dating, all while saying we are just friends!  So now, we are just stuck in some sort of friends/dating limbo.

For instance, last night I went up to his house, met his Mom, went to dinner (he paid), he held my hand the whole way home, we tried to watch a movie and ended up hardcore making out. So we’re… friends? We’re… friends w/ benefits (although not many)? Dating? Seeing each other?

He’s only about a month out of a three year relationship. I KNOW he doesn’t want a relationship right now… wait, does that sound familiar? Does that sound like the same story as The Ex? I know, and that’s probably why I’m on the express train to Crazytown right now.

The worst part is, he is a really close friend. He KNOWS about The Crazy. He has heard me talk crazy about other boys and he doesn’t want to do that to me. He is seriously one of the best guys out there.

So the dilemma? The complete, honest to blog truth is I feel myself falling for him. I mean, he is one of my closest friends and the physical chemistry? Off the charts. So really, what more could I ask for!? But, it’s complicated.

Really complicated.

There’s the really good friendship that could get ruined.

The fact that we work together.

The fact that I just was dating/sleeping with his friend.

Most importantly, I’m just really really scared of getting hurt and that’s why The Crazy is sneaking in. I mean, that’s what causes The Crazy afterall, it’s our fears.

So, bottom line – if I feel like I will end up getting hurt, do I break it off now? Or do I try to just go with it and have fun and see what happens?

*    *     *     *     *

Well, I never even got around to posting that entry before eventually things got weird.  Well, he got weird.  Later on, we talked about it and just like I was scared of getting hurt, he was scared of getting hurt, or worse, hurting me.  It sucked.  I was disappointed. 

But, the real kicker.  The reason I kinda think he’s an asshole now is that around the same time he got weird, he starting spending all his time with another girl, who was also just his “friend.” 

She has a boyfriend who lives a couple states away.

A baby.

A baby daddy who she still sleeps with.

Cannot keep a job.

And he spends all his time with her.  It’s been, oh, a month and a half now.  And because we’re such great friends, I found out that they are sleeping together and pretty much dating, even though he told me he would never. 

And the reasoning why he’d want to be with her over me?

“Well, it’s just easy.  There’s no strings attached.  I don’t have to worry about her getting attached to me or me getting attached to her.  Plus, it could fall apart and I could never talk to her again and I wouldn’t care.  If things went bad with us, I would be so upset about losing you as a friend.”

Yada, yada, yada.  I actually got over the whole thing pretty quickly probably because I found his behavior so ridiculous and unattractive. 

Apparently, guys would rather date girls who don’t speak English (that’s over already btw) and girls who already have a boyfriend then put work into something real and THAT is frustrating as hell.

The Cali Gays Just Love Me…

When I went out to LA a few weeks ago, my friends and I stayed with our gay guy friend, let’s name him Best Gay.  So, of course staying in West Hollywood with Best Gay we have to designate at least one night to the gay bars.  But first, let’s talk about what happened at the gay bars last year… this is one of those stories I feel like would only happen to me.

We were at a little gay bar in WeHo and upstairs they had beer pong set up (my kinda place).  I spot this really cute, blonde, surfer guy – total OC Cali boy playing beer pong.  I was mid thought of how hot he was and how I should flash a smile his way when I snapped back to reality and realize I am in fact in a gay bar.  So we are there for a few minutes when I walk by the pong table and Cali Boy steps in front of me to say hi. 

He’s starts making small talk and I’m not thinking anything of it because, well, I’m in a freaking gay bar, why would this boy be hitting on me?  Until…

“So, yea… I was just playing beer pong and I guess it reminded me of being in college.  Next thing I know I saw a cute girl and really wanted to hit on you.”

“Oh.. umm.. I thought.. umm”

“Well, I was in a frat at college and they all thought I was 100% straight.  I guess the peer pong reminded me of that and the next thing I know I saw you and wanted to hit on you.”

“Oh.. wow..” ::insert lots of giggles here because I didn’t know what to do::

“Ok, I’m about to go all Dr. Phil on you.  My best guys friends growing up turned out to be gay so I felt pressure from them to be gay.  I’m suppose to go meet them now at this crazy gay club down the street.  They all don’t understand why I don’t get a boyfriend already.  I did the guy thing for like two years and now, I don’t know.  I feel like it’s not what I want but then I won’t really fit in with them…”

Seriously, I have some magical force that attracts only the most CONFUSED guys (well, I’m pretty sure this was the only sexually confused guy… but in general all the guys who go after me are a ball of confusion about life)

So anyways, he proceeds to go on with his life story which was all pretty interesting.  Meanwhile Best Gay is trying desperately to flag me down and find out if this kid is gay or not.  I just kept saying “I’ll tell ya later!” 

Anyways, eventually we both moved on to other bars and that was that.  The night that a hot blond Cali Bi Guy hit on me at the gay bar and proceeded to tell me his life story.

*     *     *      *      * 

And the gay boy love continued this year.  We went to this crazy gay club where the go go boys wore little shorts and walked around on stilts, if that helps paint a picture of this place.  So me and Banana, decide we are tired of standing and sit our butts right on the subwoofer, which put us pretty much right in front of where a whole bunch of guys were dancing.

So one guy decides the subwoofer should be used as a stage.  I kept referring to him as the GoGo Boy Wannabe.  Anyways, so I moved down a little so he could dance but I was not getting off that speaker, the vibrations felt nice (as we told the boys) and it was a place to sit heh.

So anyways, during one of his dance breaks he asks me and Banana, “Did you girls come from the Britney (Spears) concert!?!?!”

“Ohh no, we didn’t.. haha”

“Oh, well you LOOK like you did! I went last night and tonight!” and shows us his bracelets from the show.

Before we could say another word our little GoGo was dancing again… with a drink in his hand.  I was wearing a dress and when GoGo got a little too crazy with the dance moves he spilt his drink on my leg.  So what’s a gay boy to do?

He screams “I’m so sorry!”  And before I knew what was happening he was licking up the drink off by leg.  I start screaming and then he gives my leg a little bite.  At this point, I really can’t decide whether to scream or laugh so I just do both.

And then you know what he did?  He got right in my face and in his most flamboyant voice he playfully said “Well, honey, now what did you expect coming here?”

The One Where I Get a Little Sappy

You know what I think one of the very best feelings in the world is?  Real, true, gut wrenching laughter that comes straight from the soul.  There was plenty of that on Saturday night and I remember thinking that I wish I could just bottle up that feeling.  It doesn’t matter what was said or done to cause the laughter, hell a good portion of the night was spent laughing just because the girls had to end every sentence with  “and I had a great day in my pants.”  Boys make up silly rules during a game of Kings.

I don’t know if it’s my new (optimistic) view on life or maybe it was the fact that we were up at a college but life just felt lighter.  It felt more carefree, like before people were getting engaged and married and buying houses and working full time.  On Saturday night all I could think of was how lucky I was to have the friends I do and so lucky to have nights like that Saturday night.  And maybe it was the fear that those nights with ALL of my friends being together might be numbered.  Soon we’d start moving, getting married, having families and I just remember thinking, I want to cherish this time.

That night we went out to a lounge and danced our hearts out.  Everyone danced, even the boys.  And the best kind of dancing, the kind of dancing that can only occur when you are completely oblivious to the fact that people might be watching you.  Where you and your girlfriend twirl each other around without a care in the world.  And you sing at the top of your lungs and dance without feeling a bit self conscious.

I didn’t even notice who else was at the bar.  I just saw all my friends.  That might seem like a weird thing to say but a couple years ago when I used to go out, one of the main goals of the night was usually to find a guy.  Maybe just to make out with or maybe to get a date but I would run off with my partner in crime and find boys.  And while that was fun and there are some stories I wouldn’t trade for the world, that time has passed.  These days, I’ve realized

I’d rather spend my nights laughing with my friends and trying to bottle up that favorite feeling of mine.